


still

by Stjosten



Series: Still Universe [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe, Asexual Character, But its fun, M/M, Neil navigates life, Non-Sexual Intimacy, OOC, Oblivious Neil, Pining, Swearing, alcohol use and mentions, allison is a heart throb, andrew works at a bar, but boy is there a lot of fluff, i guess, like so much pining, lots of talk about sex, neil is a mess, shitty apartment living, soft, sort of a slow burn, there is a lot of flirting, there is very little plot to be found
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:22:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 53,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26408668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stjosten/pseuds/Stjosten
Summary: Neil's new life in New York City is loud and overwhelming. He's barely making things work with a roommate whose just on the edge of too much, a shitty apartment that can't seem to retain any heat, and a never ending job hunt that keeps coming up empty. What he doesn't expect to find in New York is something to keep him from floating away. It ends up finding him anyway.
Relationships: Matt Boyd & Neil Josten, Neil Josten & Allison Reynolds, Neil Josten & Danielle "Dan" Wilds, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Series: Still Universe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2084298
Comments: 596
Kudos: 876





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A warning before you read this is ooc. If you don’t like ooc content don’t read! (It’s not SUPER out of character but it’s different, very different so don’t be surprised by softer characters and a lot more flirting. Okay? Okay.)

Neil woke up for the third night in the row to the sound of his roommate having very, _very_ loud sex in the room next to him. 

The walls were paper thin in their small dinky apartment in the middle of the city. Part of him wished he had moved in with Dan and Matt when they offered, but he _knew_ that they would hover too much. The point of moving was to start over, and starting over meant that he needed time to figure things out for himself. Preferably without the influence of friends that tended to act more like parents. 

New York City was the perfect place for someone like Neil. There were crowds large enough to get lost in and too many interesting looking people for him to stand out. 

Hiding wasn’t a necessity anymore, but it was an added comfort. 

A particularly loud moan had Neil sitting up in bed and throwing his only pillow at the wall. It made no difference, not when his roommate’s bed was currently pounding against the thin plaster wall between them like it was trying to break through and give Neil a show. 

He crawled out of bed and grabbed his cigarettes from the desk by his window. The latch was broken so he had to shake it and then smack it before it came loose. He pulled open his window and snuck outside to the cold air. 

This city truly did not sleep. The streets were as busy as ever, even in the middle of the night. Neil curled up, tucking his legs against his chest, on the small landing of his fire escape. 

There was a growing crowd right below him, some waiting to be let into the bar on the first floor of their apartment building, some standing outside smoking cigarettes. Neil watched quietly as he lit his own cigarette. He tapped against the metal railing with his fingers and drummed up an imaginary beat that matched the pacing of his heart. 

He didn’t mind Allison. She was nice enough, if not a bit overbearing and energetic, but she tended to mind her own business and worked a lot so she was gone most of the time. Neil also really didn’t care that she was fucking someone almost every night. It would be fine if he didn’t have to hear it. 

It made him feel dirty in the same way he would feel dirty if he accidentally stepped in a muddy puddle. He wanted to wash himself off and change clothes and never talk about it again. 

His cigarette burnt down to the filter and he lit another, watching the crowds meander and a group of men laugh and shove each other around. 

Sex, drinking, partying. Things that he had no experience with, things that he didn’t encounter before moving to New York. Now it seemed to be everywhere and Neil was completely out of his element. 

He had only been here for 2 weeks, that wasn’t enough time to decide if he hated it or not, and the truth was that it was much better here than anywhere else Neil had been. Even if the apartment was small and the heater was broken so it dropped to unbearably cold in the middle of the night, and even if his roommate was loud and had messy sex where Neil could hear. It was better than the alternative, which was having nothing at all.

***

Neil woke up to music playing through the apartment and the sounds of Allison cooking. His phone said it was 9 am and for some godforsaken reason Allison was awake enough to have a mini party in their kitchen. 

He didn’t bother getting dressed, just dragged himself out of bed, in his old tattered sweatpants and t-shirt, and made his way into the kitchen. 

Allison was barely dressed, standing over the stove in her underwear with a bright pink sheer robe on top. The old radio on the counter was playing something bright and peppy that Neil didn’t recognize. He sat down at the kitchen table and laid his head on the cool wood.

“Morning, cutie,” Allison said. She turned around and ruffled his hair. “Coffee?” 

“Yes,” Neil said, turning his head so he could watch her move around the kitchen, “Black.” 

“I know,” Allison said with a curve of a smile. She grabbed a bright red mug from the cabinet and filled it with the freshly brewed coffee on the counter before placing it in front of Neil, just inches away from his face. 

“Thanks,” Neil mumbled against the table. He sat up straight and wrapped his hands around the mug, letting his body soak in as much warmth as he could manage. Their apartment was cold, and even with the added bonus of heating coming up from the floors below, it still managed to be next to freezing. 

“Food?” Allison asked, turning back towards the stove and waving around her spatula. Stray bits of egg came loose and flew across the kitchen. Neil watched it go and then shrugged. 

“Sure,” he mumbled. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Allison asked, “Did you sleep?” 

“Actually,” Neil started, realizing that there was no time like the present to just rip the bandaid off. There was no good way to tell your roommate that their loud sex kept you up at all hours of the night. “Can we talk about-” 

“Hey.” Neil turned to see the subject of said conversation enter the room. The guy that Allison brought home was _big_ and somehow looked even bigger in their tiny apartment. He walked into the kitchen, passed Neil without a second glance, and went to Allison’s side to spare her a kiss on the cheek. 

Neil felt like slumping back onto the table and hiding his face in his arms. So much for their conversation, but at least the guy was _dressed_.

“I have to go,” The guy said, he kissed Allison soundly and Neil looked away, “See you later?” 

“Maybe,” Allison replied teasingly, “We’ll see how I feel.” 

The guy left with a smirk on his face, winking at Allison before he slipped through the door. He slammed it closed hard enough to shake the walls.

Allison was watching Neil with a smug look on her face. That was standard really. Allison seemed to enjoy pushing his buttons whenever she had the chance. 

“What?” He asked, annoyed. 

“He’s hot, right?” Allison asked, dreamily, “I love when they’re buff like that. Arms for _days_ to hold on to when we’re-” 

“Allison,” Neil groaned. 

She let out a full belly laugh. “God you’re such a _prude_.”

Neil slumped back onto the top of the table and watched her finish cooking with his chin resting on his forearm. 

He didn’t think he was a prude, just uninterested in hearing about something so private. He wasn’t like Allison, comfortable and confident. Neil struggled to look in the mirror, let alone think too hard about his feelings.

Maybe he should just suck it up. It would be easier to just pretend it didn’t bother him than try and dissect _why_ it bothered him so much. 

“All done!” Allison turned off the stove and grabbed plates from the cabinet. They were chipped on the edges and there were hairline cracks through the center. Allison dumped a generous amount of eggs and bacon on both plates and handed them off to Neil. 

“Fork?” Neil asked. 

Allison hummed and opened the drawer, rummaging around until she pulled out one fork and a spoon.

“I think we need to go shopping,” she said with a sigh and a sad smile. Neil rolled his eyes and took the spoon from her hand without asking. 

They ate in relative silence, the only sound was the radio playing, it was old enough that there was a dull hum that came through with the music. Every once in a while it would crackle unpleasantly. They finished eating and Neil cleaned the dishes. He opened the drawer to count how many utensils they had. 

“Right,” he said, holding up one fork and several spoons and some wooden chopsticks from the last time they ordered take out, “We need forks.” 

Allison laughed and ruffled his hair. “I’ll steal some from work.”

Neil sighed and dropped the utensils back into the drawer. He was going to have to find a job at some point, there was only so much money left over from his mother in his savings account, and anything that his father left behind had been confiscated by the FBI two years ago. New York was expensive and even though Neil was used to living with the bare minimum, even he knew that they needed fucking _forks_. 

Allison disappeared into her room and Neil retired to the couch. He grabbed Allison’s large fluffy white blanket and cocooned himself, sinking into the old fabric that seemed to just give in under the slightest amount of pressure. 

“What did you want to talk about?” Allison asked when she emerged from the bedroom, wearing actual clothing this time and, as always, looking like she didn’t belong in their shitty two bedroom apartment. 

Neil curled himself tighter into the blanket and shrugged.

“Don’t be like that,” Allison said with a huff, “What’s wrong?” 

“Can you like-” Neil paused and then moved the blanket so his voice wasn’t muffled by the thick material, “Give me a heads up when you bring people over at night?” 

Allison’s eyebrows jumped up and then her lips curled in a sort of smirk that said she was going to give him _so much shit_ for this. Neil immediately let out a groan and covered his face with the blanket. 

“Oh my god,” Allison said emphatically, “Did we keep you up?” She wiggled her eyebrows and then dropped down to the couch beside him, reaching out and grabbing the blanket so she could pull it away from his face. “Are you uncomfortable?” 

“I hate you so much,” Neil let out, pushing her hands away. The blanket fell from his face and his cheeks burned. 

“You’re so fucking cute,” Allison declared, she reached out and squeezed his cheek, her nails poking into his skin, “You’re so innocent and cute and an all around _baby_.” 

“Fuck off,” Neil groaned, pushing her hand away once again. 

“I will give you a heads up next time,” Allison said sweetly but her smirk was more devious than kind, “Do you want me to put a sock on the door or do you want a text telling you when I’m about to fuck?” 

Neil stood up from the couch and threw the blanket at her before retreating to his bedroom. It was embarrassing enough to have to ask, she didn’t need to rub it in his face. 

“Neil!” Allison called after him, she laughed through her words as she said, “Come back! I was only teasing! Of course I’ll send you a text next time!” 

Neil ignored her and slammed his bedroom door shut. Their neighbor started banging against their shared wall on the right, probably pissed off with the amount of noise coming from their apartment so early in the morning.

“Don’t fucking knock at me!” Allison called through the walls. Neil shook his head and grabbed his phone and pack of cigarettes and retreated out onto the fire escape. 

The crowds in the morning weren’t as boisterous as they were at night, but there were still a lot of people milling about on the streets below. 

Neil lit a cigarette and watched them pass, listening to the sound of Allison having a one-sided argument with their neighbor from inside the apartment. 

***

Neil spent most of his day hiding inside, but ventured out in the afternoon to start job hunting. He stopped by several stores and cafes that were close by and put in applications. By the time he was done it was late evening.

Dan sent him a text asking how he was doing and Neil replied with a simple _I’m fine_ that received an angry emoji and a _you always say that_ in response. He didn’t reply. He knew how much Dan hated his easy lies, so it was pointless to try and feed her any.

He stopped by a small bodega on the way back to the apartment, grabbing some instant noodles and random packages of food that he could make when he got back. He bought a new pack of cigarettes and gave the cat at the counter a pet before heading home. 

Allison was working, so he knew that the apartment would be empty. He spent most of the evening sitting on the old couch, watching tv, and eating. He ignored any more texts from Matt and Dan including a message that said _we’re worried about you_.

They were _always_ worried about him. Neil had met Dan two years ago when he was finally freed from his father. She was interning at the law office where Neil’s attorney worked. She would bring him coffee and talk to him about her personal life. When she finished school and her internship she moved up to New York City to live with her fiance and attend NYU’s law school. 

It might be because of the way they met, but Neil suspected that it was just in Dan’s nature to want to take care of people. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing but to someone like Neil, who wasn’t used to open affection, it could be too much to handle. 

They were there for him while he adjusted to life outside of his father’s home and Neil wouldn’t trade that for anything. He just wished that they knew that he _didn’t_ need them to baby him. Even Allison had the decency to let Neil do whatever the fuck he wanted without trying to hover and tell him to be more careful. 

At 11 pm Neil’s phone went off and he looked down to find a text message from Allison. He knew it was coming and honestly he didn’t know why was he surprised that she was going one a four day streak of tormenting Neil into the late hours of the night. 

**Allison:** omw home with company 😘 you’ve been warned

Neil let out a low groan and stood up from the couch. He threw out his package of instant noodles, grabbed his cigarettes and lighter, and escaped out of the apartment before he could accidentally run into Allison and whatever impossibly large man she brought home with her. 

He stood by the front entrance to their apartment building without much purpose. He could text Dan and Matt and see what they were doing. It was a Friday, so they were probably home and spending the night-in together. He really didn’t want to third wheel and he knew that as soon as Dan saw what he was wearing, and probably how much weight he had lost, she would demand he move into their spare bedroom that instant. 

Neil tilted his head back against the brick of the building and stared up at the fire escape above him. 

He felt sort of useless. Two weeks in New York and he still hadn’t managed to get a good grasp on his place here. What did people do on Friday nights? Drink and go to clubs or hang out with friends. 

Neil had no desire to do any of those things, and he didn’t want to bother his friends and, well, he didn’t _have_ that many to begin with. It was him and the rest of New York City, silently waiting for the pavement to swallow him into the sewers so he could live out the rest of his life in solitude. 

The apartment was out of the question for _at least_ a few hours, not unless Neil wanted to once again suffer. He looked up at the blinking bar sign. He could just sit at the bar and drink soda until he thought it was safe. He hadn’t spent much time in bars, actually he had _never_ been to a bar before, but he honestly was out of options. It was better than sitting out in the November cold without much of a purpose. 

Neil walked to the front door and let himself in, the bouncer checked his ID in the small first room and then motioned for him to go inside, giving him a once over and an amused look.

The inside of the bar was dark. Very dark. The walls were painted black and the lighting was so low that it really didn’t do any favors in the way of visibility. It was already pretty packed, but that was to be expected. Neil slipped through the crowd and ignored the looks that were sent his way.

There was one spot open at the corner end of the bar and Neil helped himself to the seat and leaned away from the guy next to him.

Neil felt as safe as he could with his back to the wall and the majority of the club laid out in front of him. He watched the crowd move through the dance floor in a mirage of black leather and bright colors. 

“What do you want?” 

Neil looked up at the bartender standing in front of him. He was small, a lot shorter than the rest of the people in the club, maybe even shorter than Neil. The pale blonde of his hair was catching the lights from the dance floor, casting him in reds and purples. 

He was sort of intimidating. He gave Neil an unimpressed look while all Neil could do was _stare_. 

“Hello,” the guy said, waving a hand in front of Neil’s face, “Anyone in there?” 

Neil sputtered and then glared. “Yes,” he bit out.

The guy looked far too amused, he didn’t smile, but his eyes were dancing with something dangerous. Neil just kept glaring at him. 

“Are you going to order or just sit there?” 

Neil looked over the back of the bar, at the display of alcohol that he couldn’t even start to name. 

“I, uh,” Neil started, suddenly feeling embarrassed, “I don’t drink.” 

“You’re sitting at a bar,” the guy stated, “And you don’t drink.” 

Neil bit his lower lip, “Yeah.” 

“Here for a hook up then?” 

Neil felt his face burn and he tried to push away the sensation, bottling it up and burying it deep. 

“No,” Neil tried to say with resolution, but it came out stunted and awkward. 

The guy’s lips twitched upwards. Neil hadn’t noticed before, but he had a septum piercing that shined ever so slightly when he smirked. 

“So what are you doing here?” He asked. 

“Andrew!” Someone called from across the bar. 

The guy turned and waved over at the other bartender, signaling them to wait a second. 

“Hold that thought,” Andrew said, knocking his knuckles against the bar top and then walking away to join the other bartender. Neil tried not to watch him as he helped the other guy pour drinks. He pulled out his phone and looked over the series of emojis that Allison sent him, mostly innocent but for some reason were dirty when coming from her. 

“Here,” Andrew said, dropping a can of ginger ale on the counter. Neil slid his phone into the pocket of his sweatshirt and wrapped his hands around the cold can, letting his fingers collect the condensation. 

“So,” Andrew started. A customer came up to his side and yelled out an order. Andrew rolled his eyes but started making the drink without getting too far from Neil. “You were going to tell me why you’re here.” 

Neil watched him pour the liquor out and then hand it off to the patron, making down his drink on a tab and then turning to give Neil his full attention. 

“My roommate has commandeered the apartment,” Neil said, and then added on, “I live upstairs so it was easier to just come here than somewhere else.” 

Andrew leaned on to the counter with his elbows and looked Neil over. His gaze was heavy and thoughtful. Neil thought about turning his face away just to be a contrarian, but he kept his eyes on Andrew and held himself steady. 

“What’s your name?” Andrew asked. He stood up straight and tapped his fingers against the bar. He had a black ring on his pinky finger and black tape wrapped around his pointer and middle. Neil was sort of tempted to reach out and tug on the tape or ask why it was there. He squeezed the can of soda a bit tighter just to stop himself. 

“Neil,” Neil said looking away from Andrew’s hand and focusing on his very sharp gaze. “Hi.” 

Andrew smirked and his cheek dimpled. “Hi,” He said, amused. 

Another customer came up and yelled out a drink order. Andrew turned and started working, waving the customer away when he tried to lean too far over the bar. 

Neil watched him. He was quick and efficient, his hands moving in a flurry as he poured out shots and then shook up a mixer filled with alcohol and something sickeningly pink. The crowd at the bar started to wane and at some point Andrew brought over a can of sprite instead of ginger ale to replace his soda. 

Allison finally sent a text at 1 am giving the all clear with a bunch of water droplet emojis. Neil didn’t reply. He let out a deep sigh and pocketed his phone. He caught Andrew’s attention from across the bar and waved him over. 

“Finally ready to order a real drink?” Andrew asked. 

“No,” Neil replied, “I’m leaving. What do I owe you?” 

Andrew took the empty can and threw it out in the trash behind the bar. “Don’t worry about it.” 

“Are you-” Neil started, but stopped when Andrew just gave him an amused look and leaned on the counter of the bar, just out of reach. 

“I’m sure,” Andrew said, his voice low but still managing to carry a heavy weight over the loud music. 

Neil swallowed and nodded, not knowing what to say. Andrew leaned back and tapped his taped fingers against the counter. 

“I’m sure I’ll see you again?” Andrew asked, “Next time your roommate kicks you out.” 

“Yeah,” Neil said awkwardly, “Maybe.” 

“Good,” Andrew stated. He turned away and went back to the other end of the bar.

Neil slipped off the stool and forced his way through the crowd and out the front door. The temperature had managed to drop down to freezing. He tucked his arms against his torso and hurried to the apartment building’s door and slipped inside. 

The apartment was quiet and Neil was glad he had the foresight to hide out in the bar instead of suffering through another night of loud sex and the awkward breakfast conversations that would surely follow. Neil pulled out his cigarettes and crawled out of his window and onto the fire escape. 

His breath came out in smoky puffs against the cold air. He curled up tight, watching the crowds come and go until his cigarette was burnt to the filter and he felt calm enough to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! I plan on updating this fic every Friday! It is sort of plotless and mostly full of fluffy moments and a lot of flirting and pining from the boys. Also a lot of talks about life and sex and Neil just navigating life. I am here to bring nothing but pining and Neil being a mess, which is pretty much my brand.
> 
> If you enjoy please feel free to leave kudos and comments :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I said Friday but I have no impulse control so here is chapter 2!

Allison was once again in her underwear cooking the next morning. They were out of bacon so all they had for breakfast were sad looking scrambled eggs eaten with spoons. 

“Where did you go last night?” Allison asked as she dried off the dishes that Neil had been cleaning. 

“Nowhere,” Neil said. He didn’t want to admit that he had hidden out in a bar by himself for the majority of the night, as if it wasn’t enough that he had to hide out of his apartment while Allison got laid. 

“Right,” Allison said, and hummed, she put the last dish away and leaned against the counter on her hip, “Do you have friends I don’t know about?” 

Neil turned off the sink and dried his hands off on a spare towel. 

“I have friends,” Neil replied, “And I don’t think it’s any of your business what I do with my free time.” 

Allison let out an incredulous laugh and then stopped when she saw the look on Neil’s face. “Oh, you’re serious.” 

Neil rolled his eyes and left the kitchen, retreating to his bedroom so that he could be away from her judgmental stare. 

“Get dressed!” She called after him, “We’re going shopping today.” 

“I thought you were going to steal forks from work,” Neil said, stopping just inside his bedroom door.

“I lied,” Allison said, waving her hands, “Fifteen minutes! Wear something nice.” 

Neil flipped her off and walked into his room. He had to do laundry at some point today, if not today then tomorrow. He didn’t have a lot of clothing and there were only so many times you could get away with wearing a shirt before it started to smell. 

He cycled through his options and grabbed an NYU sweatshirt that Dan had given him and a pair of ripped jeans. Allison was already waiting for him when he came out of his room, and as always she was dressed like she didn’t belong here. 

“God,” She said, scrunching her nose when she caught sight of him, “You’re a mess.” 

“Thanks,” Neil replied dryly, “Let’s go.” 

They walked out of their apartment and were immediately hit with good old north eastern chill. Neil tried to hide his face in the collar of his sweatshirt, but it kept slipping. Allsion acted unaffected, only wearing a light peacoat over her outfit. 

They walked to the closest home goods store and Allison walked through the aisles like she owned the place. Neil watched her grab a random pack of utensils and look them over before shoving them into his hand.

“Pink forks,” Neil stated, looking at the bubble gum pink packaging. 

“Pink everything,” Allison replied, “Don’t be boring.” 

The woman behind the checkout counter gave them a curious glance and Allison flipped her hair in a way that said _don’t talk to me_. Sometimes all Neil could really do in Allison’s presence was go along with the ride. She was a force of nature in her own right and Neil was grateful that she was strong enough to brave the stares when Neil couldn’t even make eye contact with most strangers. 

“Do you need to go anywhere else?” Allison asked, once they were back outside in the chilly air. People passed around them in waves but Allison stood in the center of the sidewalk without a care in the world. Forcing people to navigate around her. 

“No,” Neil said, “We can go back.” 

“I have to stop at work,” Allison said, “Will you be okay going back alone?” 

Neil nodded, “I’ll be fine.” 

“Kay,” Allison said. She took the utensils out of her purse and shoved them into the pocket of Neil’s sweater, “Bring these home and wash them for me, cutie.” 

“Fine,” Neil replied, he turned to look away but Allison reached out and pinched his cheek. Neil pushed her hand away. “Stop.” 

“Don’t be a brat. See you later,” Allison said with a wink.

Neil watched her disappear into the crowd and then started a slow walk back to the apartment. When he got back he pulled his laundry together and shoved it in his backpack so he could walk down to the laundromat.

The bar on the first floor was closed but there were lights on inside that suggested that someone was there cleaning after the night before. Neil didn’t let his eyes linger on the tinted windows. Curiosity was dangerous and Neil had a tendency to be more curious than most. 

He absently rubbed his fingers where the tape had been on Andrew’s hand. Neil had gone with Matt and his mom a few times to the gym where she trained as a boxer. They had both taped their fingers and hands before putting on gloves. 

Neil didn’t think Andrew taped his fingers for fighting. It didn’t look the same and it seemed like an odd choice when working at a bar. It was probably something that Neil didn’t understand. Allison always did strange things with her hair and make up just because she thought it looked nice. 

The laundromat was mostly empty when Neil arrived. The attendant was popping bubblegum behind the front counter and reading a magazine. She didn’t bother looking up when Neil entered, just waved a hand in a half-hearted greeting and kept reading. 

The washing machine ran in circles and circles and Neil sat in front and watched his clothes cycle through. He pulled out his phone and checked the missed messages from Dan and Matt while he waited. 

Their group chat was sitting at 25 unread messages, most of them were conversations between Dan and Matt. Why they talked to each other through a group chat when they lived in the same house was beyond him, but he sort of guessed that it was because they wanted him to be more involved in their lives. In any capacity. 

**Dan:** come over for dinner tonight

 **Matt:** YESS NEIL DINNER I’M MAKING STEAK

 **Dan:** and pie

Neil sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He had been in New York City for just two weeks and hadn’t seen Dan and Matt since he first arrived. He owed them a visit and it would be an added bonus not to eat take out or instant noodles or sad eggs. 

**Neil:** Okay. What time?

 **Dan:** oh my god you actually replied

 **Matt:** NEIL FINALLY

 **Dan:** Come by at 6! Do you need a ride?

 **Neil:** no i’ll take the subway

 **Matt:** so proud of you 

The washing machine buzzed loudly. Neil flinched and looked around to make sure that no one had noticed. The only other person in the laundromat was half asleep on one of the benches, and the attendant was now texting with the magazine laid out in front of them. 

Neil stood up and switched his laundry over and then fell back onto the bench. He didn’t bother reading the rest of the messages that started to swarm in, even the one from Allison that had a bunch of heart emojis and kissy faces. He shoved his phone in his pocket and leaned back against the wall behind him. 

The dryer shook violently and all Neil could do was listen and wait. 

***

Dan and Matt’s apartment was cleaner, nicer, and had actual heating. 

He lived with them the first few days in New York, but decided not to stay. They had more than enough room and the apartment was nicer than anything he could afford in the city, but Neil was stubborn. He had to make way on his own. 

“Have you found a job yet?” Matt asked. Neil was sitting at the island in their kitchen, watching as Matt prepped dinner. Dan was next to him with a glass of wine in her hand. 

“Not yet,” Neil said, “I've been looking.” 

“Anything promising?” Dan asked. 

“No,” Neil admitted, “It’s shit really.” 

“I know a place that’s hiring but-” Matt paused and turned around. He had an apron on, a red frilly thing with strawberries across the front. “It’s at a comic book store next to the bakery where Dan’s friend works.” 

“Oh yeah,” Dan said cheerfully, “The one in the alley?” 

“Yup,” Matt said, “Sort of a creepy looking place but the employees are chill. I can take you this week if you want.” 

Neil felt compelled to say that he could go alone. He didn’t need someone to hold his hand. He wanted to learn to be self sustaining. That was the _entire_ fucking point of moving here and trying his hand at living on his own. 

The sentiment was nice, probably. To someone else it would have just been an innocent suggestion, but Neil heard the underlying message, even if it wasn’t intentional. 

_You can’t get anything done on your own._

“I’ll be fine,” Neil said, “Just send me the address.” 

Matt didn’t push. He shrugged and smiled. “I’ll text it to you.” 

Dan talked about her classes and the many trials and tribulations of becoming a lawyer. Neil listened and nodded when appropriate. Dan would be a good attorney. She cared about people and valued the truth above everything else. She had taken care of him back in Baltimore during her internship. Neil had complete faith in her. 

They ate and then Matt forced Neil onto the couch to watch a movie. It was a romantic comedy that felt more sad than it did funny, but Dan laughed at the right moments and Matt sniffled during the love declarations. 

Neil left with a full stomach and a bag full of leftovers. Allison wasn’t home when he got back. He put the leftovers in the fridge and found a sticky note posted on the door. 

_you didn’t clean the utensils, you gremlin_

Underneath Allison’s bubbly handwriting was a poorly drawn angry face. Neil sighed and grabbed the unopened package and dumped them into the sink. He cleaned every single one with more care than he should, just wanting to do something with his hands that didn’t feel destructive. 

Matt sent him the address and thanked him for coming over. Dan sent him a message full of hearts and a command that he should come over again soon. 

***

The comic book store that Matt had suggested was in fact in the strangest location Neil had ever seen. Matt hadn’t been lying when he said that it was in an alley. An alley that was just big enough for one car to fit through and was packed with small front end stores and a small cafe that spilled out onto the narrow sidewalk. 

Neil probably wasn’t dressed well enough to make a good first impression, but the weather was starting to get to him and he ended up leaving the house in a sweatshirt and plaid shirt combo that didn’t match. 

The comic book store was easy to spot. The front window showcased stickers and posters of classic superheroes and brand name comics. There were figurines lining the bottom, characters that Neil had never seen before and didn’t recognize. There was a giant _Help Wanted_ sign posted in the window of the front door. It looked faded and old, as if it had been hanging there for a while.

The bell over the door rang out when he walked inside, light music played over the speakers and it smelled faintly of a cinnamon candle that made Neil’s nose itch. 

The guy behind the counter looked like he just stepped off the beach in California. All fluffy blonde hair, tanned skin, and bright eyes. He gave Neil a wide, inciting grin.

“Welcome,” The guy said. The nametag on his shirt read _Jeremy_ and had a lightning symbol next to his name. 

“Hey,” Neil said. He walked over and stopped by the front counter. There was an empty basket in front of the register with a sign that said _My name is Luther and I am a friendly cat that loves comic books! Please pet me!_.

Jeremy noticed him looking and said, “Luther is in the back. He likes to lay on the counter so we had to put a sign up so people would stop freaking out.” 

“Oh,” Neil said dumbly. The bodega near his apartment had a cat that lingered around. They never put any signs up in warning and the cat came and went without much complaint from customers. 

“Can I help you find something?” Jeremy asked. 

“I saw the help wanted sign,” Neil said, motioning to the door behind him, “I wanted to apply.”

“Really?” Jeremy asked, completely shocked. He scrambled behind the counter and then leaned down so that he was just out of view. Neil listened to him shuffling around and swearing under his breath and when he came back up he hit the back of his head on the underside of the counter. 

“Uh,” Neil said, shuffling awkwardly, “Are you okay?” 

Jeremy had a piece of paper in one hand and with the other he rubbed the back of his head. 

“I am more than fine,” Jeremy said with a grin, “Here is the application.” He dropped it down onto the counter and then grabbed a pen and slapped it down on top, “Feel free to fill it out like right now.” 

“Right,” Neil said awkwardly, “Thanks.” 

Jeremy nodded and kept smiling while he rubbed his head. Neil grabbed the pen and looked over the application. It was straight forward, just like every other paper application he had filled out in the last two weeks.

The first time he had filled out an application he had reverently said his name over and over under his breath as he wrote it down. It was the first piece of paperwork that he was able to fill out with his new legal name. It had been oddly cathartic. 

He skipped over the section that asked for past experience and signed the bottom and then slid it back over to Jeremy. 

“Thank you so much,” Jeremy said, “We have been waiting for someone to apply for months. I was about to lose hope. We don’t technically have a manager or anything but I will show your application to the owner. Actually, the owner is my dad so this will probably work in your favor. If it were up to me I would offer you a job right now! Wait, sorry that sounds really desperate.” 

Neil sort of wanted to take his application back and rip it up.

“Sorry,” Jeremy said, catching sight of Neil’s expression and settling down, “I’m rambling.” 

“A bit,” Neil replied before he could stop himself. 

Jeremy didn’t look offended. He laughed and kept on smiling, not a fake smile that people sometimes forced out when they were upset, but a real smile that was large enough to have it’s own gravitational pull.

“You’ll get along with Seth,” Jeremy said, “He also works here and he’s constantly telling me to shut up. I know I can be a bit much sometimes.” He looked down at the application and then said, “Thanks for applying, Neil. It was nice to meet you. I will give you a call by the end of the week.” 

“Thanks,” Neil said, and then awkwardly added, “Nice to meet you too.” 

Jeremy kept waving as Neil left the store and went back out into the alley. The bakery that Matt and Dan had told him about had it’s door propped open and the entire alley smelled like chocolate chips and pumpkin bread. 

Neil pulled his phone out and sent Matt a text letting him know that he applied. The reply was almost immediate and included a thumbs up and a _good luck_. 

The apartment was a good 3 miles away but Neil decided to walk anyway. 

The air was cold enough to cut against his skin as he walked and with each block he felt his nose start to hurt from the cold. It felt good to walk and clear his head, especially when he could blend in with the crowds that were on the streets with him. 

Couples held hands and people laughed and leaned into each other. A group of kids walked by and shoved each other playfully and Neil stepped out of the way to avoid getting hit. Business people walked faster than the rest of the crowd, always in a hurry and always cutting between people without stopping. Tourists wandered aimlessly and sometimes stopped in the middle of the sidewalk.

Sometimes it hit Neil how people could just exist in waves, never interacting, just passing through life like an aimless ghost. Sometimes Neil remembered that he was one of them. 

Neil got back to the apartment around 5 pm and found Allison standing outside the building with her phone pressed to her face and yelling at someone on the other line. She caught sight of him immediately and reached out and grabbed him by the pocket of his sweatshirt so that he couldn’t sneak past her and go inside. 

“Don’t talk to me about trying to make amends,” Allison said, her voice cracked around the edges, “I tried to make things work before I left but you and dad clearly don’t give a shit about what _I_ want.” 

Neil shuffled awkwardly and tried to wiggle out of her grasp but Allison only tightened her hold, his sweater pulling taught as she held him. 

The voice on the other end of the phone rambled on but none of it was coherent enough for Neil to make out. He looked away and tried to give her some privacy, but it was hard to ignore the distress on her face when she was this close. 

“Fuck you,” Allison said, “I’m not coming back.”

She pulled her phone away and hung up and then shoved it into her bag without much ceremony. 

“I hate people,” She confessed quietly. 

Neil looked back and watched as Allison pieced herself back together again. The clear sadness washed away and was pushed aside to make room for a false sense of strength that Allison carried with her like a weapon. Her hand loosened on his sweater but didn’t let him go. 

“Where were you?” She asked, curious but not demanding. 

“Applying for a job,” Neil replied, “Where were you?” 

“Just leaving for work,” Allison used her free hand to rub under her eyes, there weren’t any tears but Neil suspected that Allison had the tendency to make sure she didn’t cry anymore. “Think I might call out.” 

“Call out,” Neil said with resolution, “We can order take out or something, watch a movie.” 

Allison’s expression finally shifted to a genuine smile. 

“Sounds good, cutie,” She replied, removing her hand from his sweater and instead wrapping it around his shoulders and tugging him into a loose hug, “I’ll tell them I’m throwing up or something.” 

“I’m sure they’ll believe you,” Neil replied, “You might have to take a couple of days off to be really convincing.” 

Allison laughed and Neil was so grateful for the sound of it that he let out a sigh of relief. He wasn’t very good at giving someone comfort, but he suspected that Allison didn’t need much more than company. 

“You might be right,” Allison said. She turned them towards the building and ushered them inside. “So what are we feeling food wise?” 

They ordered Indian because it was what Allison wanted. They sat on the couch on either end, the fluffy white blanket covering both of their legs, take out containers balanced on the cushions between them, and a shitty movie playing on the tv. And it was the most comfortable Neil had felt in a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no Andrew this chapter I'm sorry!!! But he will be back in chapter 3 and will be just as flirty as ever :3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters in two days? I'm feeling chaotic what can I say.

Neil was sitting on his bed, awake, and wearing running shorts, looking through the news on his phone when Allison let herself into his bedroom. 

“Good morning,” Allison sang out. 

“Good morning, Allison,” Neil said, annoyed, “Just let yourself in.”

“I already did,” Allison said with a smirk. She left the door open and plopped down on the end of his bed. She was in her usual level of undress, wearing nothing but silky shorts and a tank top that said _bad bitch_ across the front. Neil watched her get comfortable with a glare. 

“God it’s freezing in here,” Allison complained, wrapping her arms around herself to try and contain body heat, “Do you sleep with the window open?” 

Neil didn’t but the window had a crack in the corner that let in cold bursts of air throughout the night. 

“You could put some clothes on,” Neil offered. He was annoyed and it probably wasn’t the right thing to say because Allison’s face lit up in amusement. Teasing was going to happen and Neil braced himself. 

“Aw,” Allison cooed, “Do you find me distracting?” 

“No,” Neil said with a glare, “If you’re cold you can put clothes on and then you won’t be cold anymore.” 

Allison let out a full belly laugh and reached out to give Neil a gentle shove. He almost fell back into the pillows on his bed, but he kept himself upright with an arm thrown out behind him. 

“You’re so fucking cute,” Allison said, “I don’t understand you at all. I walk around practically naked and you never look.” 

Neil felt his face flush. He kicked his leg at her in an act of pure petulance. It collided with her side and Allison laughed, grabbing his foot and tugging him across the bed. 

“Stop,” Neil complained, but he was smiling and it was hard to be mad when Allison was laughing. 

It was two days of a semi-awkward emotional upheaval in their apartment. Allison’s phone kept ringing, she kept picking it up and glaring before rejecting the call. The one time she answered it was to yell a harsh _fuck off_ before hanging up again. Neil didn’t know about Allison’s backstory in great detail. All he knew now was that she was on the outs with her parents and even if she pretended that it didn’t bother her, it clearly did. 

“I’m going to work today,” Allison said, she stopped her mindless tugging and circled her hands around Neil’s ankle so he couldn’t run away, “And I have a date tonight.” 

Neil threw his head back and groaned, letting his head fall into the pillows at the top of the bed. 

“Again?” He asked. 

Allison smirked. “Again. So if you don’t want to get an earful I suggest you make yourself scarce. Go see those friends that you apparently have.” 

Neil tugged his ankle loose from her grip. With one firm kick he had her falling off the side of his bed and onto the cold floor below. 

Allison yelped and yelled, “Ow! Rude!” 

“One day you should go to _their_ place so I can sleep,” Neil said. 

Allison stood up and brushed herself off. “Or maybe you can buy ear plugs.” 

“Maybe _you_ can buy me earplugs,” Neil said petulantly.

“Will you be okay while I go to work, baby Neil?” Allison asked mockingly, “Or do you need to come sit in the backroom of the restaurant so you don’t get lonely.” 

“You’re such an asshole,” Neil replied. He grabbed a pillow from under his head and chucked it at Allison, “Goodbye.” 

“Bye!” She left the room and the door cracked as it slammed shut. Neil could hear her humming to herself and walking through the apartment to her bedroom. There was no way that earplugs would be enough, not with the paper thin walls and Allison and her _whatevers_ being so _loud_.

Neil didn’t want to think about it too much. He got up off the bed and picked up his pillow, throwing it back onto the bed without looking where it landed. 

***

Neil was showered, dressed, and sitting on the couch eating leftovers from Dan and Matt when his phone rang. He looked at the unfamiliar number and felt a sharp pang of anxiety spear through his chest. He took a deep breath and reminded himself that he was safe. It was a New York area code, nothing to worry about. 

“Hello,” Neil answered. He leaned back on the couch and placed a hand over his heart to try and keep himself settled. 

“ _Hi, is this Neil?_ ”

Neil sat up straight. “Yes.” 

“ _Oh good! Hi! I was sort of worried that you gave us a fake number. That’s happened before. I don’t know why someone would apply if they were just going to give a fake number, but you now how people are._ ” 

“Right,” Neil said shortly, “Who is this?” 

“ _Oh my god,_ ” The voice said, “ _This is Jeremy. I should have started with that._ ” 

“Probably,” Neil replied under his breath, maybe with a bit too much attitude. Jeremy laughed it off and Neil was honestly not surprised. Even after one meeting it was clear that Jeremy didn’t really care how people treated him. He must have nerves of steel or maybe most of his friendships had been built on light bullying. 

“ _Sorry for the weirdness. Listen, we want you to come in for an interview this week if you have time. Just a formality I swear. Does tomorrow work for you?_ ” 

“Yeah,” Neil replied, but then remembered that he would be hiding out of the apartment for most of the night. He debated asking for a different day but knowing Allison there would be more than one visitor this week, which meant Neil had no idea what days he would actually get a full night's sleep. Not that he got that much anyway. 

“ _Great! What time works best for you?_ ” Jeremy asked. 

“Afternoon?” Neil offered, “Like four?” 

“ _Amazing. Perfect! I’ll see you tomorrow at four. Seth is also working so you’ll be able to meet him. That means there will be no surprises when you start._ ” 

The interview really _was_ a formality. For some reason it felt like Neil already had the job. 

“Great,” Neil replied, trying to sound genuine, but falling flat, “See you tomorrow.” 

“ _Okay! Bye!_ ” 

Neil hung up without replying. He dropped his phone into his lap and looked up at the cracked ceiling. 

_A job._

His first thought was _finally_ , his second was _what the fuck do I do with a job?_

Neil never had a job before. Even after his mother died he managed to get through that last year only using the money she had left him with. There was no need to pick up any odd jobs or something that paid under the table. He wasn’t sure if he would be any good at customer service, or working with the public in general. But it seemed like the comic book store was the sort of place that was painfully empty more often than it wasn’t. 

A job also meant that Neil had a reason to leave the apartment, which was something he didn’t have before. It also meant that he could be somewhere with actual heating when it started to get painfully cold. 

Neil twisted himself up with Allison’s white fluffy blanket and watched the TV blink in front of him. He sent Matt a text letting him know that he had an interview but didn’t bother waiting for a reply. He turned off his phone and laid back. 

Boredom was a privilege, one that he had never experienced before. He didn’t exactly hate it, not when it proved that for once in his entire life, he was safe. 

***

Allison sent him a warning text and Neil groaned, unearthed himself from the tangled blanket on the couch, grabbed his cigarettes and phone, and left the apartment. 

The air was bitter cold and tasted like winter. He hurried the few steps over to the bar entrance and let himself in. The bouncer once again gave him a once over, a curious look that told Neil that he probably didn’t belong or fit in here. Neil already knew this. He handed over his ID and the bouncer nodded at him and gestured for the door. 

The bar was much quieter than it had been on Friday. Of course, it was a Wednesday and bars weren’t known for being particularly packed on a Wednesday. 

The corner spot at the bar was open, Neil didn’t let his eyes linger on the bartenders, he went straight over to the stool he had sat in the last time he was here and took a seat. 

When he slipped his phone out of his sweatpants and scowled at the messages from Allison. 

**Allison:** 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆💦💦💦💦

 **Neil:** I hate you

 **Neil:** 🖕

It took Neil far too long to find the middle finger emoji. He was so distracted by his phone that he didn’t notice the bartender coming to a stop in front of him, not until there was a clink of a cold can hitting the bar with more force than necessary.

Neil looked up and caught sight of Andrew. He looked the same as he did the last time Neil had seen him. His hair was carefully disheveled at the top as if he had planned for it to look that way. The only difference was that the undercut of his hair had been shaved clean. It exposed the many, _many_ ear piercings that Andrew was sporting, all black and all shiny under the bar lights. 

“Hello again,” Andrew said, the corners of his lips were subtly tilted upwards, “Kicked out?” 

Neil frowned. “Obviously.” 

“You’re wearing sweatpants,” Andrew said, “In a bar.” 

Neil looked down and then looked back up to find that Andrew was thoroughly amused by Neil’s apparent embarrassment. 

Even if the bar was practically empty, the patrons were still well dressed, mostly in all black, with their clothing far too tight to be comfortable. 

“And?” Neil asked, but he knew what was coming. 

“And you look ridiculous,” Andrew replied, “But something tells me you don’t care.” 

Neil placed his phone face down on the bar and reached out to grab the can of soda that Andrew had brought over for him. It was cold to the touch and Neil’s already freezing fingers twitched at the feeling. 

“I don’t,” Neil said, “Is that a crime?” 

There was an older man sitting at the bar that let out a _I’ll drink to that_ before shooting back his short glass of liquor. Andrew looked over at him with amusement. 

“Don’t encourage him, Barry,” Andrew said.

“Let the boy live his life!” Barry replied, drunk but sober enough that he could slur together a reasonable sentence, “Let him wear sweatpants to a bar! I wish I had that kind of courage when I was your age.”

The last sentence was directed at Neil. The man placed his drink down and tapped the bar counter, signalling for another. 

Andrew moved the few steps over and refilled his glass with something dark like syrup. Neil wondered if it was just as sweet or if it tasted like the liquor his mother used to use on his open wounds. Harsh and hard to swallow.

“Are you drinking tonight?” Andrew asked, coming back over to Neil and leaning against the bar, “Or are you sticking to soda? I think I have some milk in the back if you’re interested.” 

Andrew was good at poking fun while looking only slightly amused. Jeremy would probably enjoy this type of easy banter. If Neil was more like Jeremy he could laugh instead of being annoyed and kind of offended. 

“I don’t drink,” Neil said, “I’m hiding out, remember?” 

“Right,” Andrew replied, “Why _does_ your roommate kick you out?” He asked but he looked like he already knew. 

Neil’s cheeks burned and he looked away, staring out into the dance floor of the club without really seeing anything. There weren’t many people out dancing, but the ones that were dancing were huddled close together, friends probably. 

“Did I strike a chord?” Andrew asked. 

Neil turned and glared at him. “You’re kind of an asshole,” Neil said without thinking, “Anyone ever tell you that?” 

Andrew smirked and his cheek dimpled and Neil’s heart did something sort of painful in his chest. It was unexpected and he had to refrain from reaching out and placing a hand over his heart. 

“I get that a lot,” Andrew replied. 

The drunk man to the side, Barry, let out a loud laugh and slammed his glass down. “Yeah he sure _gets that a lot_ ,” He yelled. As if it was an innuendo. 

Andrew turned back towards Barry and stole the glass away from him. “Stop breaking the merchandise,” Andrew warned, “I’m cutting you off. Here’s some water.” 

Barry let out a loud groan but accepted the water bottle that Andrew forced into his hands. 

“He’s right!” Barry said, pointing at Neil, “You _are_ an asshole.” 

Andrew didn’t reply. He turned back away from Barry and leaned against the edge of the bar, his body lax. Neil could see that there were now yellow strips of tape around his fingers instead of the black. The rings were still present, dark and inviting against his pale skin. 

“What if I made you a mocktail?” Andrew asked, “You can be my taste tester.” 

“A mocktail?” Neil asked, confused. 

“A cocktail without any of the cock,” Andrew said with a smirk on his face. 

Neil frowned. “No alcohol?” 

“No alcohol,” Andrew replied, raising his hands up in innocence, “Cross my heart and hope to die.” 

Neil watched him warily and then shrugged and nodded. Andrew went to work and pulled out various bottles of colorful liquid. Neil leaned his elbows onto the bar and watched him. The muscles in Andrew’s arms flexed while he shook up the first drink, pouring it out into a tall glass and placing it down in front of Neil. 

“What is it?” Neil asked, eyeing the bright red liquid. 

“Blackberry Mojito,” Andrew replied, and then added, “Without the rum.” 

Neil swirled the liquid around with his paper straw and watched the red liquid swirl.

“How do I know it isn’t poisoned?” Neil asked. 

“If you take a sip and don’t die,” Andrew replied, his voice dry, “Any other stupid questions?” 

Neil sent Andrew a hard glare but took a sip of the drink anyway. It wasn’t bad, sort of sweet from the blackberry, but not strong enough to make Neil gag. Andrew watched his reaction and then gave him a smug look.

“Good?” Andrew asked. 

Neil didn’t want to give him the satisfaction, so he shrugged and said, “It’s fine.” 

Andrew huffed out a laugh and then started cleaning up his work space. The music in the bar was lower than it had been on Friday. It was also much slower, more melodic than jumpy. Neil settled into the stool and picked up his phone, looking over the groupchat with Dan and Matt that was now overflowing with unread messages. 

He scrolled through and skimmed them, not really processing any of the words because half of his attention was taken with the bartender in front of him. 

Barry got up and paid his tab, stopping over by Neil and leaning against the bar beside him, looking him over. 

“You’re a pretty cute kid,” Barry said conversationally, “If I had a face like yours I would have gotten as much ass as I could in one night.” 

Neil dropped his phone down to the bar and gave Barry an incredulous look. “Uhm, okay?” 

“Barry!” Andrew called from behind the bar. Barry and Neil both looked over to see the twisted look of anger on Andrew’s face, a look that was quickly pushed aside in under a few seconds. “Leave him alone and go the fuck home.” 

Barry raised his hands up in defense. “I get it,” Barry said, “He’s yours.” 

“You’re old enough to be his grandfather,” Andrew shot back, “Goodbye.” 

Barry laughed and placed a hand on his stomach. He left the bar with an awkward shuffle, nearly colliding with the glass windows as he went. 

“He’s harmless,” Andrew promised, coming back over to Neil, “He just doesn’t have a filter when he’s drunk.” 

“Right,” Neil said. He wasn’t exactly embarrassed, but he felt a little bit more out of his element than he had before. “Was he- hitting on me?” 

Andrew shrugged. “Probably,” He said, “I didn’t hear him.” 

“But-” Neil stopped and then looked to the exit and then back at Andrew. His brain turned over and over again as he tried to figure it out. “He’s-” 

“A guy,” Andrew said, finishing his sentence, he looked more curious than he did amused and then he leaned forward on his elbow and tapped his knuckles against the bar top in a steady pattern. “This is a gay bar, you know that right?” 

Neil looked around the interior and, honestly he had no fucking idea. Now that he knew, he could sort of see it. There was a pride flag hanging over the railing on the second floor. He hadn’t even really noticed _that_ until just now. He knew where the exit was, and he knew the quickest way to get himself lost in the crowd in a hurry if he needed. But he hadn’t noticed it was a gay bar. 

“You’re unreal,” Andrew said, “You had no idea, did you?” 

Neil looked back to see a contemplative look on Andrew’s face. A calculating gaze as if he was trying to parse together Neil’s unclear pieces. 

“Does that bother you?” Andrew asked, not giving Neil the chance to reply. 

“No,” Neil said immediately, and he meant it, “I just didn’t realize.” 

Andrew’s expression lightened. A clear sign of relief. 

“You came into a gay bar,” Andrew stated, “Not knowing it’s a gay bar, in sweatpants, sexciled from your apartment. You’re _unreal_.” He paused and then added, “You need to be supervised.” 

“When you say it like that-” Neil said, feeling a bit sheepish. Andrew smirked again and his cheek dimpled and Neil sort of wanted to reach out and shove his thumb in the indent just to see what Andrew would do. He kept his hands to himself, tucking them under his knees.

“You’re a mess,” Andrew said, but it didn’t have any real heat or insult, “You just might be interesting.” 

Neil frowned. He almost asked what Andrew meant by that but then his phone buzzed against the counter. He flipped it over, revealing a text from Allison saying that she had kicked the guy out early. 

**Neil:** do you need me? Are you okay?

 **Allison:** I am perfectly capable of kicking some idiot out of the apartment. He’s gone. Don’t worry about it. Just wanted to let you know.

Neil stared at his phone and then looked at the half finished drink that Andrew had made him. He could stay. It was as simple as saying _okay_ and locking his phone and settling in for another hour of Andrew’s teasing and blackberry virgin mojitos. Neil looked over the waning crowd, watched how easily they seemed to all move together. Two were slowly making circles around the dance floor, they stopped to kiss and Neil looked away. 

Andrew watched him but didn’t ask. His gaze felt like a physical weight against Neil’s skin.

“I should go,” Neil said finally, his decision made. “My roommate said the guy gave her trouble.” 

Andrew’s eyebrows raised. “Do you need help?” 

“No,” Neil replied, he did his best to sound reassuring. He really could handle one asshole. Even if the guys Allison brought back were big and intimidating, Neil had dealt with meaner men in his lifetime. 

“Alright,” Andrew said. He hesitated for a moment before reaching out and taking the drink away. 

“Thanks,” Neil said, “I’m guessing you won’t let me pay.” 

“Nope,” Andrew replied, “I’ll see you again.” 

It wasn’t a question. Just a statement.

“Yeah,” Neil replied, “See you again.” 

He pocketed his phone and left the bar. Allison was on the couch when he made it up to the apartment. She looked unaffected and at ease. Neil sat down on the couch beside her, grabbing the blanket and covering them both. 

“That was fast,” Allison said, “Where were you?” 

“No where,” Neil replied, “What happened?” 

Allison waved him off. “He was shit at foreplay so I kicked him out. No biggie. He didn’t put up much of a fight.” 

“You should invest in pepper spray,” Neil said, “Or maybe a taser.” 

Allison laughed and threw her head back. She moved over and leaned against Neil’s shoulder, pressing her weight against him. 

“I’ll think about it,” Allison replied, “But all I really need are my sharp nails. One hit and they’re down for the count.” 

Neil shook his head but let out an amused breath of air that couldn’t really be passed off as a laugh but felt like one anyway.

“I have a job interview tomorrow,” Neil said, changing the subject to lighter territory.

“Oh?” Allison asked, “Where?”

An image of the dingy comic book store stuck in his head and Neil let out a sigh and shook his head. “You don’t want to know.” 

“Oh now I’m _really_ curious,” Allison said, “Are you going to start stripping? I would pay money to see that.” 

“Isn’t that the point of stripping?” Neil asked, “You literally have to pay to see it.” 

“Then I’m your first customer,” Allison said, she pinched his side and Neil pushed her hand away, “Let me see what you’ve been hiding under all of those layers.” 

“Fuck off,” Neil said, but it didn’t have any heat, just a twist of amusement and fond exasperation. 

Allison flipped on a movie and they spent the rest of the night wrapped up in a blanket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter should be up in like a few days? I want to say by next week to be safe. :) thanks for reading.
> 
> also I did not edit this chapter,, which is sort of on brand but I will probably go back later and fix some things when I can. ❤


	4. Chapter 4

Interviewing with Jeremy was truly a test of Neil’s patience. He rambled, _a lot_ and got lost half way through a question before bringing it back around again. Neil had to sit through about 10 minutes of an actual interview and 30 of Jeremy rambling. 

Seth was in fact a huge asshole. He looked like the type of guy that Allison would bring home. Tall, buff, and angry. He didn’t follow them into the backroom for the interview but at the 40 minute mark Seth had appeared in the doorway and told Jeremy to _cut it short_. 

It was sort of a dick move but Neil was quietly grateful. He didn’t know how much longer he could have sat there. 

He left with a job. It wasn’t surprising, but Neil still felt a bit giddy at the prospect. He texted the group chat with Matt and Dan. They both sent back congratulations and offered to make him a celebratory dinner. Neil said no. He knew that it was partially in celebration, but it was also partially because they wanted to make sure Neil was eating properly. Which he wasn’t. 

Allison was at work so Neil stopped at the bodega down the street so he could buy himself something to eat. The cat at the counter flicked her tail and bumped her head against Neil’s hand when he handed off money to the cashier. 

The apartment was a touch warmer today than it normally was. Neil went straight to the kitchen and popped his instant noodles into the microwave and leaned on the cabinet to wait. When they were finished he carried them out to his bedroom, climbed through his window and sat down on the fire escape to eat. 

The chill was a welcome relief, especially after a stressful interview and an anxiety induced ride back on the subway. Neil found that his nerves were particularly weak these days. When he had been on the run with his mother he could have handled anything thrown his way, but now that he was safe and comfortable and it was no longer _run, run, run_ Neil found that most activities gave him a certain sense of dread. 

Neil ate and then lit a cigarette and kept it cupped in his hand so that the wind wouldn’t blow it out.

Allison got back an hour later. Neil heard her throwing things around inside the apartment. He leaned back against the hard brick of the apartment building and quietly wished that she wouldn’t call out for him, but he only had a few moments of silence until he heard her calling his name through the apartment. 

Neil sat up and picked up his trash, pocketing his cigarettes and his empty container of instant noodles and leaned over so he could look in the window. 

The bedroom door flew open, revealing Allison. She stepped inside and caught sight of Neil on the fire escape. 

“What are you doing?” Allison asked, “You could fall.” 

“Good,” Neil replied sarcastically.

Allison rolled her eyes. “Get your ass in here. I’m bored.” 

“Didn’t you just get home?” Neil asked. He leaned against the window sill and stuck his head inside. 

“Yes,” Allison replied, “And like I said. I’m bored.” 

She turned and left the bedroom, leaving Neil’s door open in her wake. Neil let out a quiet groan and crawled back through the window. He wandered into the kitchen and threw out his trash. Allison’s shoes were in two different spots on the other side of the room, a footprint on the wall told Neil that she came in and kicked them off without even looking. 

When Allison stepped out of her bedroom again she was wearing a sweater and a pair of leggings. 

“You left a footprint on the wall,” Neil pointed out. Allison looked over and then shrugged.

“Who the fuck cares,” She said, “This place is a mess anyway.” 

“Still,” Neil said. Allison rolled her eyes and then fell onto the couch in a display that was _not_ graceful in the least. 

“We should do something tonight,” Allison said, “Go somewhere.” 

Neil raised an eyebrow and watched her. “Where?” 

“A bar,” Allison said, “A strip club. Dinner. _something_.” 

“Why?” Neil asked, “You never want to do anything with me?” 

He didn’t mean for it to sound desperate, but the look on Allison’s face told him that it might have slipped. 

It wasn’t that he wanted to be a part of Allison’s wild adventures, and he actively avoided going out whenever he had the chance, but the thought of her actually wanting to invite him along to something felt like too much. 

“Aw,” Allison cooed, “Are you feeling left out?” 

“Not particularly,” Neil replied quickly, “I’m boring remember? Why would you want to go to a bar with me?” 

“Have you ever even been to a bar?” Allison asked with interest.

Neil debated admitting to hiding in the bar downstairs but that would open a whole new world of questions. It was probably common knowledge that it was a gay bar and knowing Allison, she would turn it into a big revelation about Neil’s sexuality. A part of him also wanted to keep it to himself. It felt like something that was _just his_ , even if he didn’t drink, even if he didn’t go there to do what people normally did at bars. It was something he wasn’t willing to give away just yet.

“No,” Neil lied. It tasted a bit wrong in his mouth when he said it, but he gave himself very little room for regret. 

“Then I think it’s time we changed that,” Allison said, “What about we go out tonight, hm? You can invite your imaginary friends.” 

“I have _actual_ friends,” Neil said petulantly.

“Prove it,” Allison said in challenge, her face twisted with a devious smirk, “And I’ll shut up about it.” 

Neil let out a deep sigh and pulled out his phone, sending a text to the group chat with Matt and Dan and waited for the inevitable collapse of his known universe. 

***

To say Dan and Matt were excited would be an understatement. It took all of 2 minutes before Matt was calling and asking for details, which Neil did not have, followed up by a series of texts from Dan about what time and where and if she could bring a friend along. Neil felt so overwhelmed that he handed his phone off to Allison without a second thought and let her figure it out. 

Allison almost tried to force them into the bar on the first floor but Neil talked her out of it and tried to be as vague as possible. He attempted a _don’t you want to go somewhere you’ve never been before_ , which somehow worked and Allison ended up picking a bar on the upper side of the city. 

They went and Dan and Matt showed up with a blonde haired shadow that was dip dyed in rainbow stripes of color. She looked as out of place as Neil felt, wearing a conservative looking dress with a frilly collar. The bar was packed and, in Neil’s opinion, looked more or less exactly like the bar below their apartment building. 

It was dark and the bar was covered in blue and purple lights. Neil half expected to see Andrew standing behind the bar, mixing drinks, the light catching on his pale hair, but he wasn’t. In his place there were two women with black shirts and dark hair. Neil looked away from the bar and followed Allison over to a table in the back. 

“I can’t believe Neil was hiding you from me,” Allison said. Neil sat down at one of the chairs and sighed when Allison handed her bag off to him like he was a coat rack. 

“I’m not surprised,” Dan said with a laugh, “He doesn’t like talking about his personal life.” 

They talked. Neil barely listened. He ignored the sly comments about his mostly sad social life and didn’t look back up from the surface of the table until Allison and Dan disappeared into the crowd to get drinks from the bar. 

Dan’s friend, Renee, was quiet. She watched the crowds around them, assessing and curious, before her eyes fell on Neil. She smiled and it was warm and sweet and dripping like honey. 

“Hello,” She said, “I don’t think we’ve had a chance to talk. I’m Renee.” 

“Neil,” He said, leaning a little in her direction so he didn’t have to yell. There was an empty chair between them and Neil had placed Allison’s bag there so he didn’t have to hold it all night. He now realized that it was acting as an invisible barrier between them. Neil didn’t have it in him to feel bad.

“Neil is the one that got a job at the comic book store near your bakery,” Matt said, loud enough to be heard over the music. 

“Oh you did!” Renee said, looking happy about the news, “Jeremy is great, I’m sure you’ll get along well with him.” 

Renee _did_ seem like the type of person that would get along with someone like Jeremy. Jeremy, who was arguably the cheeriest person Neil had ever met, would be able to get along with _anyone_ , but Renee somehow had a similar energy. 

“You can stop by whenever you like,” Renee added, “I can give you coffee on your breaks and maybe something sweet if you’re interested.” 

“I don’t really like sweets,” Neil said, “But maybe.” 

Renee just gave him another warm smile and acted like it was no big deal. Dan and Allison returned to the table with a tray of drinks. Everyone received a glass of liquor except for Neil and Renee, who were both handed an unopened can of soda and an empty glass full of ice. 

Neil touched the cold can and ran his fingers over the condensation and for some odd reason he missed the bar below their apartment building. He sort of missed Andrew. 

Allison flipped her hair and leaned into Neil’s space and looked Renee over like a wild cheetah hunting out a small antelope. Neil swallowed and leaned back so he could watch them. 

“What do you do?” Allison asked, swirling her drink. 

“I own a bakery,” Renee said, “It’s actually next door to Neil’s job.” 

“Oh at the strip club?” Allison teased. Neil dropped his head into his hands and ignored the amused look on Dan and Matt’s face. 

“The comic book store?” Renee asked.

Allison threw her head back and laughed. A hand ended up in Neil’s hair and ruffled. Neil reached out to push her away. 

“ _That’s_ why you wouldn’t tell me?” Allison asked, still laughing, “Why am I not surprised? What the fuck are you going to do at a comic book store? Have you ever even read a comic?” 

He had, but that was a long time ago. They had been in Texas at the time. Mary had gone inside a store and asked around about a job, leaving Neil to stand outside in the blistering heat. He wasn’t _Neil_ then, he was _Dominic_. He remembered catching sight of a comic book stand outside a bookstore. He stood there and read through the first comic he could get his hands on. _Spider-man_. He didn’t retain any information, barely remembered what the story was about or who the villain was, but he had stood there and read it anyway. It was the closest thing to being a _normal_ kid that Neil had ever gotten, that _Dominic_ had ever gotten.

“I have,” Neil said, “Just so you know.” 

Allison schooled her expression and nodded. It was hard for her to contain her amusement and Neil was impressed at the display of restraint. 

“Anyway-” Allison said, and then she started sending off rapid fire questions in Renee’s direction. At one point Dan and Matt disappeared to get more drinks and when they came back Allison had taken over the spot next to Renee and Neil had managed to get a bit closer to Matt’s seat. 

Matt and Dan talked about work and Matt invited Neil to his mother’s upcoming boxing match. Neil agreed to go and Matt pulled him into a side hug that was more squeezing than actual hugging. 

Renee had to leave early to open the bakery and reminded Neil to stop by whenever he liked. Neil reluctantly agreed and watched as Renee gave Dan and Matt a hug and then shook Allison’s hand. Allison looked far too fond as she watched Renee go, her chin resting on the palm of her hand. 

“So _that_ happened,” Dan said with a laugh. 

“What happened?” Neil asked, confused. 

“Renee and Allison _flirting_ all night,” Matt explained with a smirk. 

Allison laughed around her drink and waved them off. “Flirting is fun.” 

“Wait, you were flirting?” Neil asked, even more confused. Renee was _nothing_ like the guys that Allison brought home and on top of that _Renee wasn’t even a guy._

“Yes, you absolute disaster,” Allison said, “That was flirting.” 

Neil tried to remember the events of the night, tried to replay their conversations to see if anything that was said or done looked like something other than a normal conversation. He came up blank.

“I-” Neil started and then stopped, “How?” 

Allison laughed at him and then threw back the rest of her drink. When it was gone she stood up and ruffled Neil’s hair as she passed.

“Now,” She said, “I am going to _really_ start flirting.” She swished her hair over her shoulder and pinched Neil’s cheek before disappearing into the crowd and heading over to the bar. 

Neil let out a deep sigh and leaned on the table, wishing that he was anywhere other than here. 

“She really goes for it, doesn’t she?” Dan asked, but it was judgemental, just a statement. 

“I guess,” Neil said quietly. 

“Do you like living with her?” Dan asked. 

Neil played with the cup in his hand and twisted it around and around before he figured out an answer. 

“Yeah,” Neil said, and it was the truth, “For the most part.” 

Dan smiled and Matt reflected the gesture just as brightly. They spent the rest of the night chatting and not too long after Renee left Dan and Matt stood up and announced that they were leaving.

“Do you need us to help you find a way home?” Matt asked seriously, “Where did your roommate go?” 

“I don’t know,” Neil replied. He pulled his phone out so he could text her. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it.” 

Dan didn’t look convinced, but by some miracle she didn’t push, she just kissed his cheek and said goodbye. Telling him to text her when he got home. 

Neil sent Allison a text and then another and then another until she finally appeared at the table, looking wobbly on her feet but mostly sober. 

“I’m going home with someone,” Allison said with a smirk, “You okay?”

Neil sighed and shrugged. “I guess so.” 

“Do you need to use my subway card?” Allison asked, “Or do you want me to order you an uber?” 

“I’ll be _fine_ ,” Neil bit out, not knowing why he was suddenly so frustrated. Allison stepped back and raised her hands in innocence. 

“Don’t be such a brat,” Allison said, “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong or are we going our separate ways angry?”

Neil chewed on the inside of his cheek and thought about it. He wasn’t really _angry_ , anger was a fleeting feeling that came and went rather quickly these days. He had a better handle on it than he did when he was younger. He still felt a spike of annoyance with Allison, but couldn’t exactly pinpoint why. 

“Why did you flirt with Renee if you were going to sleep with someone else?” Neil asked. 

Allison looked surprised and then schooled her expression to something more serious. 

“Well,” She said, “There is a difference between flirting and wanting a casual hook up.” 

“So you _don’t_ want to hook up with Renee?” 

Allison leaned her hip onto the side of the table and crossed her arms. “She’s not the type.” 

“So why flirt with her?” Neil asked. 

Allisons sighed. “Not everything is about sex,” She said, “I know, I know, sounds crazy coming from _me_. I can like casual sex with no strings attached and I can like flirting with cute girls. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.” 

Neil tried to wrap his mind around the concept. Tried to separate sex from _whatever_ it was Allison was doing with Renee tonight. The two seemed interconnected. Even before this moment he didn’t understand _casual sex_ , now he felt even more lost. 

Allison reached out and cupped Neil’s face with both hands, forcing him to look up at her. The height difference was exaggerated with Allison wearing high heels and Neil’s neck strained when he tried to look up and make eye contact. 

“You really have no idea about this sort of thing, do you?” She asked seriously. 

Neil shrugged, which was as good as a yes.

“Neil,” Allison said, “I will fuck whoever I want to fuck and I will flirt with whoever I want to flirt with. Just because I flirt doesn’t mean I’m going to sleep with them, and just because I sleep with them doesn’t mean I want to date them. Does that make sense?” 

“How can something like that be so _casual_?” Neil asked before he could stop himself, “Isn’t it hard?” 

Allison smiled and it wasn’t the kind of smile she used to tease him. “It really isn’t. Maybe it doesn’t work that way for you, but for me casual sex is as easy as breathing.” 

“So do you _like_ Renee?” 

Allison shrugged. “I don’t know her enough to decide that. Do _you_ like Renee?” 

Neil thought about the frilly dress and the soft expression on her face and scrunched his nose. It was answer enough apparently because she let out a laugh and then squeezed his face. 

“I’ll take that as a no,” Allison said, “Listen, I need to go. But we can talk more about this tomorrow, okay?” 

Neil didn’t ever want to talk about this again. He shrugged anyway and said, “Fine.” 

Allison paid the tab at the bar and left with some tall guy that Neil didn’t recognize. He waited a few minutes before leaving on his own. 

The subway ride was quiet and Neil kept his eyes trained out the window behind him, his cheek pressed against the glass. 

When he got back to the apartment building he hesitated on the sidewalk outside. There wasn’t a line out the front door and Neil debated if he wanted to stop in and sit at the bar, listen to Andrew’s teasing and watch him mix drinks. 

He thought about Allison flirting with Renee and then going home with someone else. He thought about Dan saying that she _really just goes for it_ and then he thought about the yellow and black tape across Andrew’s knuckles. 

A side door for the bar opened and Neil watched as someone with pale blonde hair and black clothing stepped outside, an unlit cigarette hanging from his mouth. 

_Speak of the devil._

Neil’s fingers tightened around his keys involuntarily. He hesitated, waited, and then suddenly Andrew’s eyes were catching sight of Neil as he searched through his pockets for a lighter. 

“Got a light?” Andrew asked. Neil looked down to the keys in his hand and then stepped away from the entrance to the apartment building. He shoved them back into his pocket and walked over to Andrew, replacing the keys with his blue lighter and handing it off. 

Andrew took it with a nod and lit his cigarette before handing it back. 

“Were you sexciled again?” Andrew asked. Neil felt his face heat up and he hoped that his cheeks were already red from the cold. 

“No,” Neil replied, “She went home with someone instead of bringing them back.” 

“Good for her,” Andrew replied. 

Neil shook his head. “Is it?” 

Andrew gave him a curious look at that. There was more yellow tape around his fingers. Neil looked away. 

“What does that mean?” 

“I don’t know,” Neil said. He ran his hands over his face and leaned back against the brick wall beside the window to the bar. The glass was tinted but he could still see the vague forms of bodies moving through the space and the music was loud enough to hum through the walls. 

“Are you in love with your roommate or something?” Andrew asked. 

Neil scoffed and shook his head. “God, no.” 

“Then what’s the problem?” 

Neil didn’t really know. He was tired, so _fucking tired_. He could probably fall asleep right here, outside in the cold, if he closed his eyes for long enough. 

It wasn’t the type of tired he felt after a particularly long run. It was the type of tired that he had felt after hours of interviewing with police, lawyers, doctors, and FBI. It was the type of tired that settled deep in his bones and clung like a wet rag to dry skin. 

“I’m just tired,” Neil confessed, “I don’t understand it.” 

Andrew turned and leaned on his side, looking Neil over. His cheeks hollowed when he took a drag of his cigarette and Neil watched the way his lips parted when he blew the smoke out in Neil’s direction. The smell somehow managed to ground him. 

“What don’t you understand?” Andrew asked. 

Neil didn’t really know Andrew enough to confess something like this to him but at the same time he saw the judgement free expression on Andrew’s face, as if he had little to no care about what Neil was going to say next. 

Without thinking too much about it, Neil reached out and stole the cigarette right from Andrew’s fingers and took a drag. Andrew’s eyes darkened just a smidge, enough that Neil noticed. 

“Casual sex,” Neil admitted, “I don’t understand it.” 

“Interesting,” Andrew replied. He reached out and stole his cigarette back. “I’m not surprised.” 

“What does _that_ mean?” 

“You turned ten different shades of red when I mentioned hookups,” Andrew replied, “Of course you wouldn’t understand casual sex. Who cares if you don’t?” 

Neil thought about Allison giving him a serious look inside the bar, cupping his face, telling him that they could _talk about it tomorrow_.

“Isn’t it what people do?” 

Andrew scoffed. “Not everyone.” 

“Do you?” 

Andrew shrugged. “Sometimes.” 

“Is it easy?” 

“Usually,” Andrew said, “If they listen to instructions.” 

“So you like control,” Neil said, it wasn’t really a question but not really a statement. Andrew’s eyes managed to darken even more. 

“You should go inside,” Andrew said dismissively, “It’s cold. You’ll lose a toe.” 

“I have nine more,” Neil replied, “One wouldn’t ruin my life.”

“Depends on the toe,” Andrew replied. He flicked his cigarette and it landed in the middle of the street in front of them, it fell apart into red dots before being run over by a car. He turned back and looked at Neil, looked him over once and then twice before settling on his face, and then on his eyes. 

“Goodnight, Neil,” Andrew said, “It seems you have a lot to think about.” 

Neil shrugged. “I guess.” 

Andrew reached out and for a second Neil thought maybe he was going to touch his cheek or poke his nose or give him one of the casual touches that Allison, Dan, and Matt often shared with him. Instead Andrew hesitated an inch away from Neil’s skin and then let his hand fall back to his side. 

“You’re a mess,” Andrew said, looking away.

“Tell me something I don’t know,” Neil replied. 

“I’m a mess,” Andrew said under his breath. It was so quiet that Neil must have misheard him. 

Andrew looked away and opened the side door to the bar. He hesitated in the doorway, the music came through the side room and it was loud enough to make Neil’s ears ache. 

“Night,” Neil said. Andrew nodded and then walked inside, letting the door shut behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Neil learning the difference between casual sex and flirting, i.e. he did not learn anything from that conversation with Allison. But it's a start. 
> 
> I'm sorry if this sort of conversation has been done before but I feel like there are only so many ways to have a conversation about sex without making it repetitive. sorry );


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is jam packed with more pining and yearning than I these foolish boys know what to do with. enjoy!

Neil spent the majority of Friday avoiding Allison. He woke up early and left the apartment before Allison could wake up. He bought a bagel and a coffee from the stand near the apartment, walked to the park, and sat on the bench in the chilly morning air. Allison texted him around 10 am and asked where he was and Neil lied, which was once again becoming a habit he couldn’t shake. He didn’t want to deal with Allison’s awkward advice and questions and Neil didn’t want to sit down and do any level of introspection. He didn’t see the world the same way as everyone else, it was as simple as that. He was different. 

He didn’t go back to the apartment until he was sure that Allison had left for work and by then his legs and arms felt like ice cubes. He stiffly walked up the several flights of stairs to their apartment and then collapsed into a heap on the couch as soon as he was inside. 

His phone started buzzing as soon as he was face planted on the couch. He groaned and rolled over, pulling his phone out of the pocket of his sweater.

**Dan:** Thanksgiving is next week. Do you want to spend it here?

**Dan:** Matt is going to attempt to make a turkey but I am very sure that it is going to fail.

Neil stared at his phone and then scratched at the back of his head. He had never celebrated Thanksgiving before. His father had never let them celebrate when he was younger and there was never any chance when he was on the run with his mother. The two years that he spent in Baltimore after his father’s death didn’t leave much room for him to celebrate any holidays. He spent most of that time alone or with Dan, and even then he didn’t want to let himself get too attached. Most people left in the end. 

But Dan was still a constant, she still texted him almost every day and invited him over even when he didn’t reply to her texts for days at a time. If anyone could manage to make something like Thanksgiving enjoyable it would be her. 

**Neil:** okay

**Dan:** Yay! Randy’s boxing match is the night before. If you want you can stay over here and then spend all of Thanksgiving with us.

The promise of spending at least one night in an apartment that had actual heating was too tempting to pass up. Plus he knew that NYC would be ten times busier than usual on Thanksgiving morning, especially with the parade. 

**Neil:** okay

He looked over the apartment and his eyes caught on the shoe print that was now a permanent feature on their wall. He wondered what Allison was going to do for Thanksgiving. Clearly she didn’t get along with her family and although she was always the one to tease Neil about having no friends he had never heard of her going out with anyone that wasn’t a casual hook up. 

Neil decided to take a leap before he could stop himself. 

**Neil:** can we invite Allison? 

**Dan:** Of course. Neil let out a sigh and debated if he should send Allison a text now and ask her, but he was still avoiding her completely, and opening up any sort of conversation right now was probably not the best idea. He could wait. 

**Neil:** cool. Do you have a backup plan if Matt ruins the turkey?

**Dan:** Randy is making a smaller turkey just in case

Neil couldn’t help but smile. They went back and forth for a while. Neil asking if he should bring anything, because what the fuck does he know about these sort of holidays, only to have Dan reply with an enthusiastic _just yourself!_

This was new. Having plans and people to make them with. Holidays to celebrate and people to celebrate them with. Someone that texted him everyday just to talk to him, someone that cared enough to make sure he was taking care of himself. 

It could be overwhelming and more often than not annoying, but it was a sort of gift that he never would have assumed he could have two years ago. 

Neil spent the rest of the day lying around the apartment and answering Dan’s texts when he felt the need. At around 9:45 pm he started pacing. Allison would be getting off of work at 10 pm, and there was no warning text about her bringing someone over or her going over to someone’s house. The only thought he had was that Allison was going to come home and try to talk to him. 

He stepped into his bedroom and looked over the half empty room. He had at most 45 minutes to figure out what to do with himself. He could suck it up and just endure the awkward conversation or he could get dressed and go hide in the bar downstairs. 

Fridays were always busy at the bar. He was sort of worried about being stuck in a never ending sea of people. There would be too many to keep track of, but at the same time there were enough that he could just disappear in their ranks.

Andrew would probably be working behind the bar but if it was busy he would be busy as well. Neil just kept staring at the clothing that he had piled up on the end of his bed. He should probably get a dresser at some point, maybe a trip to a homegoods store wasn’t a bad idea when he got his first paycheck. 

He checked the time and sighed when he saw a text from Allison waiting for him. He grabbed the least offensive shirt he owned, a black long sleeved shirt that he had saved from his two years in Baltimore, all other clothing from that time was thrown away as soon as he stepped foot in New York City, and then grabbed a pair of jeans that Dan had described as _a pair that actually fucking fits_. 

Neil shoved his phone, cigarettes, and keys into his pocket and left the apartment at 10:15 on the dot. His phone buzzed as soon as he was in the entryway on the first floor. 

**Allison:** I’m heading home. Do you want me to pick up take out??? I’m feelin greek tonight

Neil rolled his eyes and sent back a text claiming that he was going to be at Dan and Matt’s for dinner and he would be home later. Allison sent back a _your loss_ followed by shrugging emojis. Neil locked his phone and stepped outside. 

There was a growing crowd outside the bar. Neil almost lost his nerve and turned around when the bouncer caught sight of him. He gave him a single wave and a nod and let Neil through the waiting crowd, ignoring their glares and scoffs.

The bar was packed, which wasn’t surprising for a Friday. He walked himself through the mass of bodies, keeping his arms close to his side. He managed to make his way over to the bar and luckily his usual spot was open, except for the random guy that was leaning over the edge of the bar near the stool. Neil ignored him and sat down, leaning out of his way so that they couldn’t accidentally brush. 

Andrew was behind the bar mixing drinks. He didn’t look over but Neil assumed that he had already seen him. Andrew _always_ saw him. 

The guy to the side leaned a bit too much into Neil’s space. Neil leaned away but he didn’t seem to get the message. 

“Hey,” He said over the roaring music and the sounds of people talking. Neil looked over and gave him his best attempt at an uninterested look.

“What?” Neil replied, with a bit of heat. The guy didn’t seem phased by the attitude, which was disappointing. He smiled and rested his arm across the bar in front of Neil, closing him in. 

“Haven’t seen you here before,” The guy said, he was close enough that Neil could smell the liquor on his breath. Neil gave him a shove with his elbow so that he would get out of his space.

“And?” Neil asked. 

“And I thought I would remember a face like this,” The guy said, “Are you here with someone?” 

Neil wanted to say yes but the words that came out were, “No. Fuck off.” 

The guy laughed and tilted his head. As if they were playing some time of game. 

“That’s good,” He said, “I mean we could-” 

Something was dropped onto the top of the bar and the guy jumped back and grabbed his hand as if he had been hit.

Andrew did not look happy, but really the only time he looked happy was when he was giving Neil shit. 

“What was that for!” The guy yelled. Andrew was holding a can of soda in hand and Neil realized that he must have dropped it onto the guy’s arm. 

“You were in the way,” Andrew said dryly. He placed the soda in front of Neil and then said to the guy, “Can I get you something?” 

The guy looked between Neil and Andrew with confusion. “No. We were talking.” 

“Were you?” Andrew asked, he looked to Neil, “Neil, were you talking to this guy?” 

Neil tried to bite down the smirk that threatened to break through. He shrugged. “Not really.” 

“Great,” Andrew replied, he gave the guy a long hard look before saying, “If you aren’t going to order you can fuck off.” 

The guy huffed and said something under his breath that Neil didn’t quite catch. He disappeared into the crowd and Neil watched until he was out of sight before turning back to look at Andrew. 

Andrew was _still_ pissed. His eyes were narrowed as he looked Neil over. 

“You chose the busiest night of the week to dress like _that_?” Andrew asked with annoyance. Neil frowned and leaned forward on the bar, wrapping his hands around the can of soda. 

“Like what?” 

Andrew’s lips curled dangerously. Neil thought maybe he was going to say something rude but instead he nodded towards the drink in Neil’s hand and asked, “Is that all?” 

“I guess,” Neil replied, “Unless you want to make up another cockless cocktail.” 

Andrew gave him the smallest smirk but it was enough for his cheek to dimple and Neil felt his skin grow ten times too warm. 

“Maybe,” Andrew said. He turned away but then stopped and turned back. He reached out, his hand hovering over Neil’s left hand. “Can I?” 

Neil raised an eyebrow in question but lifted his left hand and placed it in Andrew’s. Neil watched him as he slipped off one of his rings and forced it on Neil’s ring finger. 

“Just flash this and people will fuck off,” Andrew said. 

“Are you staking a claim?” Neil asked, surprised by his own words. 

“Shut up,” Andrew replied, his voice low but loud enough for Neil to hear him. He turned away and started helping other customers while Neil watched him.

After about ten minutes Andrew dropped a red drink in front of him and then walked away without an explanation. Neil took a sip and was immediately hit with the taste of cherries. He waited until Andrew came back around to ask him. 

“What is this?” 

“Shirley Temple,” Andrew said, he kept his hands moving while he talked, wiping off freshly cleaned glasses. 

“It’s sweet,” Neil said. 

“Problem with my free drinks?” Andrew asked, giving Neil a side eye. Neil laughed and then covered his mouth to try and smother the sound, even if the music was loud enough to carry the noise away. 

Andrew’s face softened considerably. He put the glass down and leaned his hip against the bar, watching Neil with his head tilted. 

“You should do that more often,” He said casually. Neil tilted his head in the same direction.

“Do what?” 

A customer at the end of the bar called out and Andrew sighed. He stood up straight and walked away, leaving Neil behind him with an unanswered question. 

The shirley temple wasn’t bad, maybe a bit too sweet, but Neil enjoyed it enough to drink the entire thing. He opened his can of soda and poured the contents into the empty glass, watching the way the soda bubbles accumulated to the top and fizzled. 

Neil didn’t know why he liked watching Andrew make drinks. He looked calm and collected as he was bombarded with drink requests. Neil watched him mix and pour out more drinks and rows of shots than he had ever seen before. He did it with the ease of a seasoned bartender, and maybe he was. Neil didn’t know a lot about Andrew. Just his name and where he worked. 

He twirled the ring around his finger absently and tried to ignore the jumping heart beat in his chest. If Neil was being honest, and it was a rarity for him but he was _trying_ he would admit that he sort of wanted to know Andrew more. Wanted to know why he worked in a bar, how long he had been making drinks, how he was calm in the face of so many strangers, why he didn’t bat an eye when Neil said he didn’t understand casual sex. Neil wanted to know why Andrew chose to talk to him, over and over again, wanted to know why he thought Neil was interesting enough to spare a parting glance when there were so many other people that he could be looking at. 

Andrew was interesting and Neil had been told from a young age to avoid things that could be deemed a distraction. But he wasn’t running anymore and he had all the time in the world to _be interested_ if he wanted to. 

Was that what Neil was? Interested? 

Andrew didn’t come back over for a long time. Neil sipped his soda and ignored the buzzing coming from his phone in his pocket. He watched Andrew make drinks and every once in a while he would look around the crowd and watch them dance. 

Neil didn’t know what time it was when Andrew came back over to talk to him. He stopped by the edge of the bar and tapped his knuckles against the wood in front of Neil. 

“I’m going on break,” Andrew said. Neil watched him for a moment and then unwrapped his hands from the glass. 

“Okay,” Neil said. 

“Come on,” Andrew said, nodding his heads towards the back. Neil gave him a curious look and Andrew rolled his eyes. “Meet me outside.” 

Neil nodded several times and Andrew rolled his eyes at him before turning away and walking through the bar and out the back door. Neil stood up and walked out the front, pushing through the crowd and giving the bouncer a single nod as he stepped outside.

Neil stepped away from the crowd and made his way to the side door. As soon as he was close the door opened and Andrew stepped out, a cigarette already in his mouth. 

“Hey,” Neil said, leaning back against the brick wall. Andrew gave him a once over and then shook his head, kicking the side door closed with his foot and then lighting his cigarette. 

Neil followed his lead, pulling out his own pack and lighting his own cigarette. Neil didn’t really smoke as much as he just took drags without inhaling to keep the cigarette lit. He enjoyed the smell more than anything else, an added comfort. 

“So,” Andrew said, blowing smoke through his nose as he spoke, “Still annoyed with your roommate or have you calmed down?” 

Neil scowled. “I’m fine,” He said, “Crazy what a full night’s sleep can do for you.” 

Andrew let out a quiet snort of a laugh and Neil enjoyed the noise more than he should. 

They stood there quietly for a few seconds. Neil kept his eyes glued to Andrew’s profile, watching how his cheeks hollowed when he took a drag of his cigarette. For some reason Neil thought it was interesting, he could watch Andrew doing the most mundane things, smoking, making drinks, leaning against the bar with a smirk on his face. 

“Tell me something about yourself,” Neil said suddenly. 

Andrew didn’t look surprised. He turned and gave Neil an assessing look before saying, “Like what?” 

“Anything.” 

“My name is Andrew,” He said, as if Neil didn’t know.

“I know that,” Neil replied, eyes narrowed.

Andrew just smirked. “Did you?” 

“Heard it the first night,” Neil replied. He played with the ring on his finger absently and ignored the way Andrew’s eyes drifted down to his hand at the movement. 

“I can recite the alphabet backwards,” Andrew said, his voice bored but there was a hint of amusement in his eyes that had Neil smiling. 

“Really?” Neil asked. 

“Yup,” Andrew said, popping the p. He took a drag of his cigarette and then blew the smoke out through his nose, looking like a fire breathing dragon. 

“Any other hidden talents?” Neil asked, leaning on his side so he could tilt his head and watch the way Andrew’s throat worked as he spoke. 

“I can whistle.” 

“That’s not a talent,” Neil replied, “A lot of people can whistle.” 

“What about you?” Andrew asked, “Or do you get to keep your secrets?” 

Neil hummed and tilted his head back, looking up at the fire escape overhead. He had sat there for so many nights watching the people below as they laughed and drunkenly pushed each other through the street. Now he was here, standing in the middle of it.

“I can pick a lock,” Neil said, “I’m not that interesting really.” 

“I beg to differ,” Andrew replied. His stare was intense and his eyes burned like two molten pots of honey, boiled and warm to the core. 

“Huh,” Neil said, warm all over, “You think I’m interesting.” 

“I don’t really know you,” Andrew said, “So it might change.” 

“Do you want to?” Neil asked. 

Andrew knew what he was talking about but it seemed he wanted to be difficult so he asked, “Want to what?” 

“Get to know me,” Neil said, quietly. It felt like too much to say at once. Andrew watched him for a breath and then another. He kept staring and Neil stared back. 

“Yes,” Andrew said finally, but it sounded pained, like he had to force the word out of his mouth before he could stop himself. 

“Wow,” Neil said, amused, “Convincing.” 

Andrew reached out and stopped his hand just an inch from Neil’s skin. Neil opened his mouth to tell him it was okay. That he could touch him if he wanted, but Andrew dropped his hand and stepped back, a mirror to the events from last night. 

“I better go,” Andrew said, “Are you coming back in?” 

Neil looked up to the fire escape. Allison had given up her night to spend time with him, and like a coward he had hidden away from her. 

“I should go,” Neil said, looking back down to find Andrew watching him. 

“Right,” Andrew said with boredom. He looked toward the side door and then hesitated. Neil watched him make some type of decision in his head. As soon as it was made he turned back and looked at Neil.

“Give me your phone,” Andrew said. Neil pulled his phone out and handed it over, not bothering to unlock it. Andrew took it and looked at the home screen and then spared Neil a curious look before opening it up and typing away.

He handed Neil his phone and there was a new contact on the screen. Specifically Andrew’s contact. 

“You gave me your number,” Neil said, surprised. 

“Use it sometime,” Andrew replied, “Or don’t.” 

He turned and walked inside without saying goodbye. The side door slamming shut behind him. Neil cupped his phone in his hand and then turned to get into the building.

Allison was in the living room when he got back, sitting up with one light on in the apartment, waiting for him. 

“Where were you?” She asked, attempting to look serious. 

Neil frowned and went straight to his bedroom. “Out.” 

He slammed the door and the wall shook and Allison yelled after him, “Don’t slam doors in my house young man!” 

Neil was too tired to tell her that it was _his_ house as well. He kicked off his shoes and fell into bed, staring at Andrew’s phone contact and debating what he was supposed to do with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at some point in the future: 
> 
> Neil coming home late at night from the bar  
> Allison: where have you been?  
> Neil: with Dan and Matt  
> Dan and Matt popping over the back of the couch: try again
> 
> (I didn't edit this chapter I'm sorry)


	6. Chapter 6

Neil woke up and the apartment smelled like syrup and eggs. He rolled over and checked the time on his phone, which was practically dead because he forgot to plug it in last night. It was 9 am. It had been too long since he slept in this late, he rolled over and forced himself out of bed. The apartment was painfully cold so early in the morning. He grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt and bundled up so he could handle the aching cold. 

Allison was just as covered in layers of sweatpants and sweaters, standing over the stove with the oven propped open and letting out warmth. Neil went over to join her, sticking his hands out in front of the opened stove so he could warm his freezing hands. 

“I’m going to complain to the landlord,” Allison grumbled, “It’s just going to get worse.” 

“I saw a maintenance guy the other day,” Neil said, “I think he was fixing the first floor and working his way up.” 

“Bastard,” Allison bit out, “We’re on the seventh floor. We’ll have to wait _weeks_.” 

Neil shrugged. “Heat rises.” 

“ _Heat rises_ ,” Allison mocked. Neil shoved an elbow into her side in retaliation. 

There was a pan full of cooked eggs and a plate of pancakes sitting on the counter. Neil raised his eyebrows and gave Allison a curious look. She just shrugged. 

“I picked up groceries,” She said, “I wanted real food.” 

Neil closed the oven and turned it off, ignoring Allison’s protest at the loss of the only source of heat in their shitty apartment. 

“Food?” Neil asked. Allison nodded. 

They set up their small kitchen table and Allison passed out their pink utensils and chipped plates. Neil put a tower of eggs on his plate and only took one pancake because he wasn’t a fan of sweets anyway. Allison did the opposite, covering her plate in pancakes and syrup. 

They ate in silence. Neil felt sort of bad for ghosting Allison so hard last night, but she had been pushing him out of the apartment almost every night since he moved in, he didn’t really owe her anything. Even so, a part of him felt bad, which was new, he was thinking about how his actions affected others, and it was a surreal sensation.

“So you said you wanted to talk,” Allison said, after they had cleaned up the kitchen and put away the leftover pancakes. 

Neil gave her a confused look. “Did I?” 

“Yes,” Allison said, looking just as confused, “You texted me last night.” 

Neil felt his blood run cold. He tapped against the pockets of his sweater and pants and then rushed into his bedroom to grab his phone. He unlocked it and looked over the text messages from last night. Allison came in and stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame and watching him. 

There were a ton of texts from Allison that Neil hadn’t seen. Even some from Dan and Matt that he had been ignoring.

 **Allison:** where are you anyway? 

**Allison:** Neiiiiiillll

 **Allison:** I’m not going to apologize but, dude I’m trying to make it up to you

 **Allison:** stop ignoring me you fucking gremlin

At the bottom of the screen was a text that Neil _did not_ send last night. He remembered Andrew holding his phone, typing away and then handing it back when he had entered his phone number. 

“Oh my god,” Neil said under his breath. 

**Neil:** we should talk in the morning

“He fucking-” Neil said and then stopped, covering his face with his hands. 

“Who?” Allison asked, her curiosity was almost palpable, “What?” 

“I fucking can’t,” Neil said, he opened up Andrew’s contact and started typing out a message and then deleted it again. 

If Andrew had sent Allison a text, then he knew that Allison had been messaging him all night. Which meant that Andrew would know that Allison had been waiting for him. _Which meant_ that Andrew knew that Neil _hadn’t_ been sexciled but was instead, hiding out in the bar, in actual nice clothing, bothering Andrew because he wanted to be there. 

Neil dropped his phone in horror. 

Not for the first time Neil wondered, _I’m I interested?_

“Okay what is going on,” Allison asked. She stepped into the room and went to the side of Neil’s bed, stopping just out of reach, “Are you okay?” 

Neil clenched his jaw and sucked in the feeling of panic. Andrew went through his phone, Andrew sent a text to _Allison_ without permission. He looked up and Allison was watching him with poorly hidden concern, she didn’t say anything, didn’t try to reach out to him, just watched as he panicked and then put himself back together again. 

He felt _bad_ just a couple of minutes ago. Now he _felt worse_. 

“Nevermind,” Neil said. He covered his phone with his hand and shoved it into his pocket, he would deal with Andrew later, for now he had to try and make it up to Allison. “We can talk.” 

“Right,” Allison said, “Something about this,” She waved her hand in a circle around him, “Is not sitting well with me.” 

Neil let out a surprised laugh. “My entire life is a fucking mess. What do you expect?” 

Allison’s eyes were fond but her lips were twisted up in a way that made him think she didn’t like what he said. Neil didn’t care. It was the truth and he was _so_ tired of lying all the time. 

“Get up,” Allison said, “You’re moping is the worst. We can lay on the couch all day for all I care. I don’t have work.” 

Neil let her pull him up and then shove him into the living room. They sat on the couch and put on a movie that neither of them were really watching. Allison threw half of the blanket over Neil and saved the rest for herself. 

They talked but it wasn’t about anything important. Allison complained about work and then asked when Neil started. He said Monday and then asked why Allison came home last night.

“Because I wanted to make sure you were okay,” She said shrugging, “Sue me for having a heart of fucking gold.” 

Neil just shoved her with his foot, “You’re heart is made of coal. Don’t fucking lie.” 

They bickered and teased and eventually the movie ended so they put another one on. 

Neil didn’t have any siblings, but he remembered watching shows when he was younger, when he could get away with it, where siblings would tease and bicker and then laugh and make up. Sometimes it sort of felt like Allison was a sister that Neil had met a bit too late. Annoying, loud, obnoxious, but _his_ all the same. 

“So,” Allison said, “Are we okay?” 

Neil curled a bit tighter into the blanket and stuck his nose in the soft material. It smelled like home. 

“Yeah,” Neil said, “We’re okay.” 

“Good,” Allison replied. She reached out and put him into a headlock, pulling him across the couch and into her arms. “I couldn’t stand the idea of you mad at me,” She said jokingly, “My poor heart.” 

“I hate you so much,” Neil mumbled, he pulled against her hold and she released him without a second thought, giving his hair a ruffle as he shuffled back to his side of the couch. 

“By the way,” Neil said, “Matt and Dan said you can come over for Thanksgiving. If you want.” 

Allison looked surprised and then her eyes softened and then she bottled it all up and put on a mask of neutrality. The same mask she wore when she was trying to keep emotions in check. Neil sort of hated it, but it was such an _Allison_ thing to do that he didn’t feel it in himself to say anything. 

“Okay,” She said, “Are you sure?” 

“Yeah,” Neil replied, leaning back into the couch, “I asked them and everything.” 

“I could have plans,” Allison said dismissively. 

“You don’t,” Neil replied. 

Allison sighed. “Yeah I don’t, lucky I like you, brat.” 

Neil just kicked her side and laughed when she tried to shove him off the couch. 

***

Sunday was just as quiet. Neil didn’t find the courage to send Andrew a scathing text, because honestly, why would he? Andrew shouldn’t have read Allison’s messages, he shouldn’t have responded to her, but at the same time, it sort of worked in Neil’s favor. So what was he so angry about?

He was angry because he wasn’t actually angry. He was annoyed, sure, but angry wasn’t the first emotion that had flared to life. He wanted to tell Andrew to mind his business, but he had inadvertently made it Andrew’s business a few nights ago, so really he wasn’t sure who was to blame anymore. 

Allison didn’t work again until Monday and on Monday they both woke up with messy bedhead, looking like the walking dead, after spending an entire weekend without doing anything of substance. 

Neil showered and then dressed in a reasonable outfit for working at the comic book store. He skipped making coffee in the apartment and opted for picking some up from the stall on the way to the subway. The ride was packed, he kept himself close against the doors and got off as soon as he reached his stop. 

The door to the bakery was propped open and there was a small line that seemed to pour out into the street. Neil looked in through the window and kept walking, even when he caught sight of a familiar head of rainbow colored hair. 

The comic book shop was already open and Jeremy was standing behind the counter, his hair pulled back with a bright yellow bandana. He gave Neil a wide, bubbling smile and threw out a chipper good morning that Neil couldn’t really return, especially not when he was tired and aching from the cold. 

“And look who came out of hiding to welcome you on your first day?” Jeremy said, he reached under the counter and pulled out an angry looking tabby cat. Luther’s face was twisted into a scowl and there was a scar sitting across his nose that looked like a wound from living a life too long on the streets. Neil felt the reflexive need to touch his own scars, but refrained because Jeremy was watching him. 

“He looks pissed,” Neil said. Jeremy laughed and it bubbled over like water in a kettle. 

“He gets that alot,” Jeremy said. He placed Luther down on the counter top. “He’s friendly I promise.” 

“Right,” Neil said reluctantly. He dropped his almost empty coffee down on the counter and reached out with his hand extended for Luther to give him a sniff. The cat looked at his hand and then up at Neil before he extended his neck out and pressed the curve of his face into Neil’s palm. 

“See?” Jeremy said happily, “He likes you already.” 

The gentle nudge was immediately followed by a swat and Neil pulled his hand back before Luther could dig his claws into flesh. 

“Or maybe he’s unsure,” Jeremy said remorsefully, “Sorry.” 

Neil shrugged it off. “It’s a cat,” He said, “They're picky.” 

Jeremy kept smiling and then started going on about regular duties. He gave Neil a tour of the shop, which wasn’t very large, and then showed him into the backroom. Neil followed him around and retained as much information as he could, but his mind was sort of foggy and he didn’t really know how to focus. 

No one came in for the first few hours. Jeremy discovered that Neil didn’t have a favorite comic and then proceeded to pull out piles of comics for him to take home and read. Neil sort of felt like Dominic all over again, a pile of comics in hand and the sinking fear this mother was going to beat him senseless. But his mother is dead, and there was no harm in reading a few comics if Jeremy recommended them to him. So Neil just kept his pile behind the counter so he could take them home with him. 

There was only one customer for the entirety of Neil’s first shift. How they managed to stay in business was a complete mystery.

Right before his shift ended the door opened and Renee walked in carrying a takeout container and a paper tray with two coffees. She smiled at Neil as if they were good friends rather than recently acquainted strangers.

“Hello,” She said cheerily. Jeremy came out of the backroom at the sound of her voice and immediately sighed in relief. 

“Renee!” He said happily, “You angel! Did you bring gifts?” 

Renee let out a quiet laugh and walked to the counter, dropping off the take out container and the coffees. 

“Yes,” She said, “Blueberry muffins and some coffee.” 

She took one off the tray and handed it over to Jeremy and then turned to Neil, “Dan told me today was your first day. So I thought I would bring something sweet for you.” 

Neil gave her an awkward nod and mumbled, “Thank you.” 

Renee didn’t seem to care about his awkward reaction. She gave Luther a gentle scratch behind his ear and then handed Neil his cup of coffee. 

“I don’t know how you like your coffee,” She admitted, “So it’s just black.” 

“That’s fine,” Neil replied, “I like it black,” And then added, “Thanks.”

Jeremy made a gagging noise and Neil couldn’t help but smirk at him. 

“I don’t know how you could enjoy that,” Jeremy said, “My coffee needs to not taste like coffee.” 

Neil gave him an amused look. “Then why drink it?” 

“It’s the other things that make it worth it,” Jeremy explained, “The cream. The flavorings. The sugar.” 

“That’s why my employees joke about making you cream with a touch of coffee,” Renee said with a smile. 

Neil leaned against the counter and watched them talk. Luther bumped his forehead against Neil’s knuckles and Neil reluctantly reached out to give him a few pats before he was turning away in his basket and closing his eyes to sleep. 

“Be sure to drop by whenever you want,” Renee said to Neil, “Don’t be a stranger.” 

Neil nodded and gave her an awkward wave before she left. 

“You did good today,” Jeremy said, at the end of Neil’s shift, “And I promise it _is_ always this quiet.” 

For some reason it was a big relief. Seth came in to take over and Jeremy and Neil left at the same time, all of the comic books tucked under Neil’s arm for safekeeping on the ride back to the apartment. 

They parted ways at the subway station and Jeremy told him to come in everyday this week at the same time. For the first time in his life Neil had a routine that was consistent, it felt good. 

He got back to the apartment before Allison, who was working a double at the restaurant, and went about putting his comic books away and changing into the warmest clothes he owned. 

Neil sat down on his bed with the comic books laid out in front of him. He picked up the copy of Spider-Man and stared at it, feeling a sense of nostalgia that was unfamiliar but also welcome. 

He didn’t flip through the pages. He dropped the comic down and fell back into the bed, pulling out his phone and hovering his fingers over Andrew’s contact. He turned his head and looked at the black ring sitting on his make-shift bedside table, which was really just a cardboard box flipped upside down. He took the ring into his hand and slipped it on his finger. 

It was sort of big and Neil could easily twirl it around his finger. He slipped it off and put it on his thumb where it was more snug. 

Without thinking too much about it, because thinking was starting to give Neil a never ending headache, he typed out a message for Andrew.

 **Neil:** you texted my roommate

A few moments passed before the white bubbles popped up at the bottom of the screen. Neil watched them dance and then jumped when a message came through. 

**Andrew:** I did

 **Neil:** that’s very nosy of you

 **Andrew:** guess so

 **Neil:** why do you care?

 **Andrew:** I don’t

Neil huffed in annoyance. He rolled over and flipped onto his stomach, accidentally knocking some of the comics down to the floor.

 **Neil:** liar

 **Andrew:** takes one to know one

Neil frowned and typed out _you don’t know me very well_ and then deleted it before typing out _you don’t seem like the type to lie_ and then deleted and typed out _you could have just asked_ before deleting it. 

**Neil:** I should be mad at you

 **Andrew:** but?

Neil smiled and pressed his hand to his mouth, his lips just barely brushing against Andrew’s ring.

 **Neil:** but you did me a favor. I guess. So idk. Thank you.

There wasn’t a reply for a couple of minutes. Neil waited, pressing his thumb firmly against his mouth until the ring was digging into his skin and surely leaving a mark. 

**Andrew:** gross. It would be better if you were mad at me.

Neil let out a surprised laugh and smothered it into his pillow. He curled up in his bed and covered his face. He didn’t reply because he didn’t think he could say anything important, his heart fluttering too painfully in his chest. 

**Andrew:** I won't apologize

 **Andrew:** But I probably shouldn’t have done that

 **Andrew:** I owe you a drink

Neil tucked himself under his blankets, his phone lighting his face in the darkness. 

**Neil:** more than one

 **Andrew:** Sure, Neil. How ever many you want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all I love Renee Walker more than life so write that down
> 
> I know some people are going to be annoyed with Andrew texting Allison from Neil's phone without permission but honestly?? He's such an instigator that this felt like a natural response to me. Feel free to let me know how much you hate him for that ihauergheiu
> 
> I have no idea how long this fic is going to be and right now it feels like the slowest burn I have ever written but I promise that things will pick up eventually. For now Neil is going to learn all about having a crush and pining endlessly while also making friends because it's what he deserves. 
> 
> I don't have like a big outline for this, which is what I normally have for fics, so I just want to say that I am in fact making it up as I go BUT there are plans to bring in Kevin and Jean and to have some side renee/allison and jeremy/jean in this fic. It's just going to take a bit to get there.
> 
> Oh AND shout out to songofthesiren13 for giving me the idea that Andrew’s ring is a bit too big on Neil 🥺 so cute


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to warn y'all that there is very little to no plot to be found in this chapter. Just some slow progression in the ways of touching. I also have to admit that this chapter gave me a hard time so it's sort of short and feels a bit like a filler. I hope you enjoy it anyway.

Neil worked Tuesday and Wednesday and both days Renee came in with coffee and baked goods. On Tuesday she brought a croissant, fresh out of the oven and still warm in the paper bag and on Wednesday she brought another blueberry muffin.

Renee was as sweet as the baked goods she made every day. She always had a smile on her face and wasn’t put off by Neil’s mild attitude or indifference. She was patient and maybe that was a good quality in a person, Neil would watch the way she listened to everything that Jeremy rambled on about with nothing more than a warm smile on her face.

Maybe she would be a good match for someone like Allison, whose entire life was a whirlwind of impulsive decisions. Renee could act like an anchor to Allison’s speedboat. Stop her from driving herself straight into the dock.

It still didn’t make any sense to Neil, the idea of dating but not dating. Allison still went about her business like she had never met Renee and maybe there was a point there that he was really missing, something about keeping your options open. He didn’t know. 

Thanksgiving was next week and Jeremy was a ball of chaotic energy. The store would be closed Wednesday and Thursday for the holiday and Neil was quietly grateful that he didn’t have to try and work his way out of coming in. He promised Matt and Dan that he would be there next week and he was trying to be better about keeping his promises. 

Jeremy rambled about his plans for the holiday and for the most part Neil just listened and tuned him out. Something about going out of state to visit family or something, even though his dad lived right in New York. If Neil was a better person he might feel bad for being unable to keep up with Jeremy’s ramblings, but Neil wasn’t a better person and Jeremy always managed to be a touch too fast for Neil to keep pace. 

Everything was terrifyingly _normal_. Neil woke up, took the subway to work, worked a full shift, listened to Jeremy ramble, took the coffee and baked goods from Renee, and then took the subway home, had dinner with Allison, spent the night sleeping a full 8 hours. 

It was disconcerting. Neil tried not to be on edge, but a part of him was waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for something bad to happen. Maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe Neil was just being paranoid. 

Andrew didn’t text him but Neil didn’t text Andrew either. He kept the ring and had it shoved in his pocket more often than not. He hadn’t realized he was carrying it around with him until it fell out of his pocket and onto the living room floor when he got home from work. He picked it up, twirled it in his hand and then put it on his ring finger. 

It must mean _something_ that he was so attached to the ring. Maybe he liked jewelry? Maybe he liked the weight on his finger? 

Maybe it was because it was from Andrew. 

Neil bottled _that_ up and shoved it deep down into the bottom of his stomach. He didn’t know what it meant and he was too afraid to bring it up with anyone. It was also embarrassing, not understanding his own feelings, not knowing why his heart painfully fluttered when he was near Andrew. Neil didn’t think he was a stupid person but all of this _feeling_ made him feel pretty fucking stupid. 

Matt would be the best person to ask. Dan would give him that look she always gave him when he said something that she couldn’t believe. A sad, unexplainable look that made Neil uncomfortable. Matt was more likely to tease the shit out of him and then give him a helpful shove in the right direction.

Neil was debating sending Matt a text and asking him if they could hang out when Allison sent him a message. It was late, Neil hadn’t really been paying much attention to the time and since it was a Wednesday he assumed that he was safe from Allison bringing someone over, especially when she knew he worked the next morning. 

That was not the case tonight apparently. Neil groaned when he read the messages, just a series of tongue emojis and then a second text that said _you have ten minutes to flee or put up with it_. 

Allison was very lucky that Neil was used to living in mild inconvenience, otherwise he would have thrown a fit at some point with the amount of times he had been shunned from his own apartment. 

He _could_ just buy earplugs. 

Neil stood up and left the apartment without bothering to change out of his sweatpants or bright orange sweatshirt. He went down to the first floor and left the apartment building, shivering in the cold and letting himself into the bar. The bouncer was sitting on a stool with his phone in hand. He only looked up once and nodded before looking away again. 

The bar was basically empty but it was early on a Wednesday so it was to be expected. 

Neil went to his usual spot at the bar and sat down. Barry, the older regular that had given Neil a bit of a scare not too long ago, was sitting at the bar a few seats away, nursing a dark liquor in a short cup. He looked at Neil and smiled wide. 

“Andrew’s cutie is back!” Barry announced with a hint of a slur in his voice.

A few of the strangers at the bar turned to look at them. Neil felt his face burn and he sent a glare in Barry’s direction which was met with a loud laugh. 

“He has teeth!” 

“And he bites,” the bartender added on, “So I’ve been told.” 

Neil watched the bartender with narrowed eyes. He might have seen him before in passing, but usually Andrew was the first person that he saw behind the bar when Neil came in. Today seemed to be different, because Andrew was _not_ behind the bar tonight. Neil felt something close to disappointment settle in his chest. 

The guy rolled his eyes at Neil and then turned to Barry to pour him another drink. 

“Andrew will be back,” The guy said, “He had to take a call.” 

Neil puffed out his cheeks and sat up straight, looking away from the bar and back over the crowd, pretending that the words didn’t make him feel better.

“I don’t care,” Neil said with feigned confidence. It didn’t really do Neil any favors. Barry laughed and the bartender looked far too amused for his own good. Neil settled on just glaring at him. 

“Do you want a drink?” The bartender asked. Neil just shook his head and shoved his hands in his pocket, pulling out his phone and looking over the unread messages in the groupchat that he was always neglecting. 

Neil tapped his fingers against his phone and felt his heart jump when he realized he was still wearing Andrew’s ring. He slipped it off and shoved it in his pocket before anyone could catch him.

The bartender didn’t pay any mind to Neil. He went about mixing drinks and talking to customers. Barry called him Jean at one point and Neil catalogued the name away so that he wouldn’t forget. 

Andrew appeared by the backroom door a few minutes later, his face was twisted up into a scowl and he ignored Jean and Barry as he walked behind the bar with his fists clenched. Whatever the phone call had been about it apparently wasn’t good. Neil had never seen such a heated look on Andrew’s face. He wanted to reach out and brush the angry line between his eyebrows away. 

_Don’t,_ Neil reminded himself, _calm down._

Andrew’s eyes flickered towards Neil’s spot at the bar and he hesitated a moment before walking straight over, the scowl on his face slowly melting into something that was much more passive. 

“Sexciled?” Andrew asked without his usual teasing tone. 

“Yeah,” Neil said, he kicked his feet back and forth under the bar to try and settle his urge to run away, “You owe me a drink.” 

Andrew gave him the faintest smile and nodded. “I guess I do.” 

Neil watched him mix a drink together and then pour it out into an obnoxiously large margarita glass. Neil crossed his arms over the counter and rested his chin on his arm as Andrew put the drink together. He placed the offensively bright colored drink in front of Neil and leaned against the counter.

“Give it a go,” Andrew said, gesturing vaguely. 

Neil sat up straight and reached out, taking the glass into his hand and then taking a sip. He was immediately hit with pure sweetness and his lips twisted into a pucker before he could stop them. Andrew let out an amused huff of air that could have been a laugh if he had been trying hard enough. 

“What is it?” Andrew asked, amused, “No good?” 

“It’s so _sweet_ ,” Neil said, “Did you add liquid sugar?” 

Andrew reached out and took the glass from Neil’s hands. He took a sip and his face twisted much the same. 

“Fuck,” Andrew said with a smack of his lips, “This is gross.” 

Neil laughed and didn’t even bother smothering the noise down. He just watched Andrew with amusement as he poured the drink down the drain.

“What _was_ it?”

“Margarita,” Andrew said, “I don’t think it’s very good without tequila.” 

Neil sighed and put his elbows on the counter, leaning onto the palm of his hand. 

“Maybe you’re just a bad bartender,” Neil countered. Andrew gave him an unimpressed look and discarded the glass into the sink, not even bothering to clean it up.

“Are you complaining about my free drinks?” Andrew asked. He leaned onto the counter once more and tapped his fingers against the hard surface, just an inch away from Neil’s elbow. 

“Yeah,” Neil said, leaning onto his side so the only view he had was of Andrew right in front of him, blocking out the rest of the club with his arm. “I probably shouldn’t complain. Free usually means low quality.” 

Andrew let out a quiet snort and his finger slid a bit closer until it was pressed against the soft material of Neil’s sweater. He tugged on the fabric and then wrapped his hand around Neil’s elbow, his thumb tracing imaginary circles. 

Neil’s entire body hummed at the sensation. It wasn’t like the touches that Allison, Dan, or Matt gave him, those were often quick and usually teasing. This felt different. The warmth from Andrew’s palm was enough to spread a fire across Neil’s skin. He felt like he was burning alive. 

Neil tried very hard to keep his expression in check but he was warm and he was sure that his face was burning red. 

“This sweater is disgusting,” Andrew commented mildly. He squeezed Neil’s arm and then tugged on the fabric again. Neil swallowed against the lump in his throat and watched him. 

“What’s wrong with it?” Neil asked, looking down where Andrew’s hand was still wrapped around his arm. 

“It’s orange,” Andrew replied, “And old enough to pay taxes.” 

Neil let out a quiet laugh and tried to smother it but Andrew tugged on his sleeve to keep his attention on him.

“It was a gift,” Neil replied. 

“From someone with horrible taste I assume,” Andrew said. 

It was from Dan. She gave it to him his first winter in Baltimore after everything that happened. It was just a sweater. But it was the first real article of clothing that someone gave him out of kindness rather than necessity. It was also one of the few pieces of clothing that he had saved from his time in Baltimore. A piece of clothing that wasn’t for the courtrooms or FBI visits. Something that was just _his_.

“Maybe,” Neil replied, not really feeling hurt at the insult. It was a shockingly bright color, even in the dim bar. 

Andrew didn’t have a clever retort for that. They just stared and stared and stared and Neil was sure that he looked desperate or maybe sad because Andrew’s eyes softened and once again resembled something like a pot of raw honey. 

“Are you okay?” Neil asked quietly. He ignored the sounds of customers calling out for a bartender, he assumed that Jean would get the job done. There weren’t that many people and Jean seemed more than capable of handling himself. 

“Yeah,” Andrew said, “It’s nothing.” 

Neil hummed and dropped his hand down, he let it hover an inch away from Andrew’s, he debated for a moment if he should touch, if he _could_ , if he _wanted to_. Andrew lifted his hand up and met him halfway, the back of his hand hitting Neil’s fingers and then his palm. Neil let his hand mold around Andrew’s, keeping his touch feather light.

Everything felt a bit too bright suddenly. The room felt too loud. His skin felt a touch too tight. Neil sucked in a breath through his nose and tried to settle his pounding heart. 

“Are you sure?” He asked around a crack in his voice. Andrew looked down at their hands and shrugged. 

“You’re such a liar,” Neil said under his breath, trying to sound teasing and light. Andrew caught on and lifted his hand away from Neil’s so he could flick his nose. 

“I take it back,” Andrew said, “I no longer owe you any drinks.”

Neil gave him a fake pout and Andrew huffed out a breath and then leaned away. The sudden distance felt like a bucket of ice water being dropped on his head. Neil leaned back up and sat straight in the stool, pretending that his face wasn’t hot or that he hadn't just touched Andrew’s hand reverently. 

“I’ll make you something,” Andrew said quietly, just for Neil’s ears, “I have to pretend to work.” 

Neil gave him a small smile and sat back for the rest of the night, ignoring the curiosity at Andrew’s dismissal, and ignoring the burning taste of longing in the back of his throat. He wanted to touch again, innocently, intimately, quietly. It felt like he had been given a gift and now he selfishly wanted more. 

Andrew made him something yellow and red and it tasted like a starburst and was good enough that Neil drank the entire thing. Andrew teased him for only being interested in drinks that contained cherry flavoring and Neil teased him about only being good at making drinks that had cherry flavoring. 

Barry left drunk and stumbling and once again called Neil “Andrew’s cutie” which didn’t help the feeling of _longing_ in Neil’s chest, a feeling that was really starting to bother Neil endlessly. He kept one hand in his pocket and played with Andrew’s ring and tried to ignore any lingering looks from the patrons at the bar. 

He didn’t get up when Allison sent him the all clear. He sat there and listened to Jean and Andrew bicker and ignored his pounding heart when Andrew leaned against the bar right next to Neil. 

He stayed far too late and never got a chance to try and pry open the reason Andrew was so annoyed earlier. Before he left Andrew reached out and touched his hand, quick and just a barely there brush of skin, but it was enough for Neil’s hand to burn for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> non-sexual intimacy amiright???


	8. Chapter 8

Neil was thinking too much about too many things. 

Friday at Sunshine Comics brought in all of two customers. One was a young boy whose mother had dropped him off while she went to pick something up at the bakery. He wandered around, let Jeremy guide him to the best comics, and sat in the corner of the store, where there was a small green beanbag chair, and read until his mother returned to pick him up. The other customer was an older gentleman who came in, didn’t say anything to Jeremy or Neil, bought exactly what he wanted and then left just as quickly as he had come in. 

Neil didn’t know how the store stayed in business. Jeremy was good at making a sale but the severe lack of customers left Neil to wonder if his father had a reserve of never ending resources or if the entire store was a front for something more sinister. Whenever he looked at Jeremy’s sunshine smile and bright eyes he knew that the second was an impossibility. 

There was still a lot to think about. 

Neil wore Andrew’s ring to work on Thursday without really knowing why and then on Friday he did the same. It was becoming a habit, he slipped the ring on his thumb and twirled it around when he felt restless. He _always_ felt restless and the endless thoughts that twirled around in his mind left him feeling even worse.

He tried to focus on other things, like helping Jeremy organize the back room or clearing off dusty shelves that hadn’t been touched in a long time. By the time lunch came around Neil had managed to clean an entire section of the store until it was pristine, not a speck of dust in sight.

“You can go get lunch if you want,” Jeremy said, “Take a walk.”

“I’m fine,” Neil replied. Jeremy just gave him a look that clearly said he didn’t believe him.

“Go,” Jeremy said, “Or I’m kicking you out for the rest of the day. As much as I appreciate you cleaning the store top to bottom your energy is making me nervous.” 

Neil sighed and left without further argument. He stood in the middle of the alley, watching as people passed by without even a parting glance in his direction. 

The door to the bakery was propped open and the smell of baking bread and cinnamon was wafting through the street as if they were baking right outside. Neil chewed on his lip and twirled the ring on his thumb before deciding that he could pay Renee a visit, her coffee was pretty good but maybe he could settle for something more calming like tea. 

He hesitantly walked inside but didn’t make it through the threshold before he was freezing in place. Standing by the counter, leaning against the side with his hand wrapped around a coffee cup was Andrew. 

For some reason it felt like seeing something that he wasn’t supposed to. He was used to Andrew behind the bar, dressed in all black, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows and his hair artfully disheveled. Seeing him here, in a softer setting, without the harsh dance lights or the low glow from behind the bar was surreal. 

He wasn’t dressed like he did when he was at work. He had on a loose fitting black turtleneck that ended right at the middle of his thighs, resting over a pair of dark gray and black plaid pants. Really, honestly, Andrew had no fucking business looking like this right now. Neil’s heart clenched so painfully tight that he found himself lifting a hand and pressing it against his sternum to make sure that his heart didn’t just fall straight out of his chest. 

This probably wasn’t a normal reaction to seeing someone. Neil didn’t feel this way when he looked at Allison or Matt or Dan or even Renee or Jeremy and he _definitely_ didn’t feel this way when he saw Seth. There was probably something wrong with him, something seriously wrong with him for this to be how he reacts when he sees Andrew. His heart fluttering, his stomach twisting into knots like a rope being tied up by a sailor. 

Renee caught sight of him from her spot behind the counter. She smiled brightly and Neil wished that she would pretend that she hadn’t seen him at all. 

“Hi, Neil!” She said cheerily. Andrew immediately turned in his direction and Neil sucked in a surprised breath when they made eye contact. 

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

“You okay?” Renee asked, looking concerned. She looked between Andrew and Neil and then cleared her throat, a knowing smile growing on her face. “I have something for you in the back, actually. I’ll be right back. Come in and wait for me.” 

Neil nodded stiffly and finally stepped through the door and into the bakery. He had never been here before and it was just as calming and soft as Renee. The walls were painted a forest green and there were plants covering every unused surface. 

There wasn’t much time for Neil to appreciate his surroundings. Even if he tried to avoid looking at Andrew again he found that it was nearly impossible. Andrew was like a magnet and Neil was nothing but a piece of scrap metal being pulled in his direction. 

“What a surprise,” Andrew said, standing up straight but leaning against the counter like he always does at the bar. The only difference is that Neil can see him, all of him, and they’ve had moments outside of the bar before, but this is different. It feels like a collision of two worlds that Neil never expected to meet. 

“Andrew,” Neil said, trying to sound unaffected. 

Andrew’s eyes travel down from Neil’s face to his hands, to his shoes, and Neil is suddenly very embarrassed that he’s probably covered in dust and looks a mess in his orange sweater that Andrew called disgusting. 

“What are you doing here?” Andrew asked, his eyes lingering on Neil’s hands for a few seconds before looking away again.

“I work next door,” Neil said, gesturing vaguely to the left side of the bakery. It took a second for the words to register for Andrew apparently, he looked confused and then a smirk slowly bloomed on his face.

“The comic book store?” Andrew asked, “With Sunshine Jeremy himself?” 

Neil frowned. “How do you know everyone?” 

“I’m famous,” Andrew said, “I know everything.”

“That sounds fake,” Neil replied. 

Andrew looked incredibly amused; he opened his mouth to say something but the backdoor to the bakery opened and Renee walked back in, a take-out container in her hand.

“Two scones,” Renee said, “You can share with Jeremy but if you decide not to I won’t tell him.” 

Neil tried his best to smile but he could feel Andrew’s eyes burning holes in the side of his head. 

“Thanks,” Neil said. He reached out and took the take out container into his hands, dragging them across the counter. “What do I owe you?” 

Renee waved him off. “Don’t worry about it. Coffee?” 

Neil nodded, ignoring the fact that he really wanted tea and said, “Yeah. Thanks.” 

“So,” Andrew said, getting Neil’s attention, “I’m not the only one giving you freebies.” 

Neil turned on him and frowned, giving Andrew a half hearted glare that didn’t hold any real anger. 

“I don’t think that’s my fault,” Neil replied, “Renee _owns_ this bakery, she can get away with it. What’s your excuse?” 

“I don’t care,” Andrew said simply.

Neil pretended to be annoyed but he found himself smiling fondly. 

“What if they fire you for giving away free drinks?” 

“They won’t,” Andrew said simply.

“What if they make you pay them back for it?” 

Andrew scratched his chin in mock thought. “I would just hunt you down and make you give me the money.” 

“You might not have a lot of luck,” Neil replied, “I’m very good at hiding.” 

“And I’m very good at finding things,” Andrew quickly countered.

Renee placed the coffee down on the counter between them and smiled knowingly. 

“Anything else?” She asked, warmly, “I can make Jeremy coffee?” 

“Spare me,” Neil replied, “He doesn’t need any more caffeine.” 

Renee laughed and nodded. “Understood.” 

Neil grabbed the coffee and the to go container and looked right at Andrew before leaving the bakery. 

“See you?” He asked awkwardly. Andrew just kept smirking at him. 

“I know where to find you,” Andrew replied cryptically. He gave Neil one last, long look, a heavy weighted thing that almost made Neil shiver. 

“Right,” Neil said, “Bye, Renee. Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome,” Renee replied, “Don’t be a stranger.”

Neil left the bakery and went back to the comic book store with his coffee and scones. Jeremy looked sadly at his lack of coffee and Neil appeased him by handing him a scone that was still warm from the oven. 

He didn’t realize it until much later into his shift that he had been wearing Andrew’s ring the entire time. 

***

Allison was on her way home from work with Indian and Neil was sitting on the couch staring at his phone debating if he should text Matt. He wanted to talk to _someone_ and he already decided that out of all of his friends Matt was the least likely person to give him shit for being so confused. 

Neil kept typing out a message and then deleting it before starting all over again. He clutched his phone in his hand and then loosened his grip, trying to calm himself down. 

**Neil:** can I ask you something judgement free?

**Matt:** always what’s up??

Neil chewed on his lip and leaned back on the couch, ignoring the fluttering in his stomach that had him on edge. 

**Neil:** how do you know if you like someone?

Neil watched the bubbles pop up and disappear and waited impatiently for Matt’s reply. He probably sounded so stupid and Matt was probably trying to find a nice way to ask why the fuck Neil didn’t know something as simple as that. 

The response he received was very different from what he expected. 

**Matt:** romantically or platonically?

Neil ran his thumb over his lips over and over until the skin felt raw to the touch. 

**Neil:** romantically

**Matt:** hmmmmm okay ugh hard to explain but you think about them all the time, you get excited when you’re about to see them, you get butterflies in your stomach when you’re together. You like hearing their voice because it makes you happy and when they smile at you it’s the best feeling in the world.

**Matt:** when I first met Dan I was gone before we even got to know each other. I felt like I was going to combust when I was alone in a room with her. 

Neil tried to parse together Matt’s words with how he’s been feeling. The fluttering in his stomach, the tightness in his chest, wearing Andrew’s ring, constantly _thinking_ about him, wanting to know more about him, wanting to hear him whistle, see the dimple on his cheek and know it’s because Neil made him smirk his sinful smirk. 

He _liked_ Andrew. 

“Holy shit,” Neil said out loud. 

His phone buzzed and Neil went back to the task at hand. 

**Matt:** does that help?

**Neil:** yes. thanks. 

**Matt:** any time, buddy!!!! Do you want to tell me about them?

Neil’s chest fluttered and he closed his eyes and relished in the feeling. _A crush_. He had a fucking crush. It was strange and sort of overwhelming and happening all at once but really it wasn’t all at once, he sort of knew that it was coming. He _liked_ Andrew but didn’t really know why and it sort of felt like he should know but he _just_ figured out what all of this meant, maybe he didn’t need to know why or how.

**Neil:** not really. can we talk about it next week? 

**Matt:** sure thing!!! We can get dinner before my mom’s boxing match.

**Matt:** I’m assuming you don’t want me to tell Dan?

**Neil:** please don’t.

**Matt:** i gotchu 😚😚

Neil locked his phone and let out a relieved breath. It was nice to have a name for his feelings, nice to know that he wasn’t crazy for reacting the way he did when he saw Andrew. But did it change anything? What was he supposed to do now that he knew what he was feeling? 

He couldn’t tell Andrew. They didn’t know each other that well and maybe it would pass. His mother always told him that crushes were fleeting, that they never lasted and that they weren’t worth the trouble. But that was when they were on the run and Neil wasn’t on the run any more. He had all the time in the world to figure out what he was supposed to do. 

He honestly didn’t want to wait too long. He was never a patient person growing up, that hadn’t changed. 

Allison came home with bags of food and Neil helped her sort through and make an array of options on their coffee table. Neil sat on the floor and Allison sat on the couch as they ate, a terrible TV show playing in the background. Allison complained about work and Neil listened, keeping his realization to himself and letting his secrets ruminate through his mind. 

Neil knew that Allison was tired of him being so quiet because she started throwing bits of naan at the back of his head and Neil retaliated by flicking an entire fork full of rice in her direction. 

“You’re cleaning this shit up,” She said, picking rice out of her shit and throwing them back at Neil. 

“Make me,” He said in challenge. Allison put him in a chokehold and then started vigorously rubbing the hair on the top of his head. He tried to pull himself free but Allison’s arms were locked tight and she was an unmoving force while Neil wiggled against her. 

“Okay! Okay!” He conceded, “Fucking stop!” 

Allison laughed and released him, pushing his hand away as he reached out to swat at her arm. 

“You’re so weak,” She said, “What is wrong with you? Do you work out?” 

Neil frowned and looked down at his arms. He had always been smaller, maybe it was the lack of real food that they had on the run with his mother, and he had never been to a gym before. His anything Neil’s legs were the most muscular part of him. 

“I can drop kick you,” Neil said seriously. Allison burst out into laughter and reached out to pinch the skin of Neil’s thighs just below the end of his shorts. 

“I believe it,” Allison said, “A real badass.” 

Neil pushed her off the couch and she tumbled over and laughed, standing up and collecting dishes so she could take them into the kitchen for cleaning. 

Neil’s phone buzzed against the counter. He reached out and checked the message, fully expecting to find something from Matt or Dan. 

What he found instead had his heart kick starting all over again. 

**Andrew:** are you home?

Neil looked up at Allison who was humming the opening song to the TV show they had been watching while she cleaned. He looked back at his phone and typed out a reply. 

**Neil:** yes.

**Andrew:** going on break. come down.

Neil looked up at Allison once more and then stood up without thinking too much about it. He shoved his phone into the pocket of his sweater and went straight to the door, leaving behind his cigarettes and keys. 

“Where are you going?” Allison asked, watching him rush out into the hallway, she followed after him and stuck her head out. 

“Out,” Neil said, “I’ll be right back.” 

“What the fuck is happening to you?” Allison asked, watching as Neil bounced on his toes, waiting for her to let him leave, “Are you meeting someone? Is this a drug deal? Are you on _drugs_?”

“I hate you,” Neil replied, “There are no drugs. I will be _right_ back.” 

Allison did _not_ believe him, it was written all over her face. 

“You better have a good explanation for this. Also are you really going to go out in running shorts? It’s like thirty degrees outside. Wait-!” 

Neil slipped out of the hallway and into the stairwell, ignoring Allison as she called after him. 

It was colder than sin outside and Neil immediately started shivering as soon as he was outside of the apartment building. He looked over at the bar and found that Andrew was waiting for him, his back leaning against the side door and his feet crossed in front of him.

Andrew watched him, his cigarette already lit and between his lips. 

“That was fast,” Andrew said, his voice muffled from the cigarette. 

Neil walked over to him and stopped just arms length away. He wrapped his arms around himself to try and retain some heat. 

“Yeah,” Neil said awkwardly. 

“You’re wearing fucking shorts,” Andrew said, looking down at Neil’s bare legs, “Are you trying to get frost bite.” 

Neil smiled and felt his cheeks start to burn and finally he could admit to himself that he enjoyed the way Andrew looked at his legs. 

“Maybe,” Neil replied. 

“They’ll have to cut them off if it’s too cold,” Andrew said mildly, teasing. 

“Aw,” Neil replied with mock sadness, “What will I do? They’re my best feature.” 

Andrew looked him over again and then his eyes settled on Neil’s. 

“Not really,” Andrew admitted and it sounded more vulnerable than it did teasing. 

They fell quiet. Neil reached out and stole the cigarette right out of Andrew’s mouth and took a drag. He didn’t give it back and Andrew didn’t try to take it from him, he just pulled out a new one and lit it, taking a long drag that made Neil’s heart twist. 

“You know Renee,” Andrew finally said. 

Neil nodded. “I do.” 

“How?” 

“She’s friends with my friend Dan,” Neil replied, “I met her not too long ago.” 

“Wilds?”

“Jesus, do you know everyone in this city?” 

“Basically,” Andrew replied, “I also know Dan through Renee.”

“Are you friends?” Neil asked. 

“Sort of,” Andrew replied. 

“Wow, I’m sure she’d love to hear that.” 

Andrew just waved him off. “She’s used to it.” 

Neil let his stolen cigarette burn to the filter and only dropped it when he felt the filter singe against his skin. He couldn’t stop staring, really, it was a problem and he wholeheartedly blamed Andrew. He was wearing his collared work shirt, the sleeves rolled up, and black arm bands covering any exposed skin. He wanted to reach out to trace the hard lines of Andrew’s hand again. Wanted to feel the warmth of his skin. 

“You wore my ring,” Andrew said suddenly. Neil felt his blood run cold at the words. Not really an accusation, not mocking, just an observation. 

“Yeah,” Neil confessed quietly. 

“Why?” 

There were so many things Neil could say. _I don’t know_ or _it’s comforting_ or _it’s yours_.

“I like it,” Neil decided to say. Andrew’s eyes were burning with something Neil couldn’t recognize. 

“Do you want it back?” 

“It’s yours,” Andrew said, “I gave it to you.” 

“Why?” 

Andrew went quiet and then flicked his nearly finished cigarette off onto the sidewalk somewhere. Neil watched it roll into a crack and disappear. 

“I don’t know,” Andrew said. 

Neil smiled. “Liar.” 

Andrew reached out and hooked his fingers into the collar of Neil’s sweater. He tugged and Neil stepped forward until he could feel the warmth of Andrew’s breath against his face. 

“I’ve never been known to lie,” Andrew said, “Seems like you bring out the worst in me.” 

“I haven’t been known to keep things that aren’t absolutely necessary,” Neil countered, thinking about Andrew’s ring, “But it seems you bring out the worst in me.” 

Andrew released him and looked away. Neil took it for the cue it was to step back. 

“I’m going back to work,” Andrew said, “I suggest you go put pants on before you freeze to death.” 

Neil smiled and he wondered if it reflected the light feeling in his chest. 

“Okay,” Neil said, “Save my legs from being cut off.” 

Andrew let out a quiet snort and turned away, opening the side door and stepping inside. 

“Night, Neil,” Andrew said. 

“Goodnight, Andrew.” 

Neil watched him disappear and stood in front of the side door for much longer than he should have. He didn’t move until his toes were starting to go numb. It wasn’t until he was at the door to the apartment building that he remembered his keys were still sitting in the box next to his bed. 

He called Allison who gave him far too much shit for running out without thinking about the consequences and once he was back in his apartment he tolerated her pestering until he retreated to his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did not edit this chapter sorry!!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay!

On the Tuesday before Thanksgiving Jeremy was in a state of panic, rushing around the comic book store and failing to remain subtle about his turmoil. Neil didn’t really know what to do with him. He just sat behind the counter and gave Luther a few scratches behind the ear and watched as Jeremy rushed around, cleaning, and talking to himself. 

Neil _could_ ask him what the problem was but the truth was that he was afraid that as soon as the floodgates were opened that Jeremy wouldn’t stop, and Neil wasn’t very good at giving advice or comfort. So he settled on watching Jeremy peter around the store and ramble.

Tomorrow was Randy Boyd’s boxing match and the day after that was Thanksgiving, a holiday that Neil had never really celebrated or cared about. He wasn’t necessarily _excited_ , but a part of him was humming with excess energy while he thought about sitting around the boxing ring watching Randy beat the shit out of someone. Dan had also lamented through text throughout the week about cooking, sending pictures of her pies and homemade bread. It was more food than Neil was prepared for, but it was a welcome change from eating instant noodles and take-out.

Neil also had to admit that he was excited to stay in Dan and Matt’s apartment, where their heating worked and it wasn’t dipping just below freezing. He could finally wake up without his toes feeling numb. Allison was so frustrated with the lack of heat that at some point she would just snap and march right down to the maintenance office and throw a full fit. Neil couldn’t blame her for that if it _did_ happen and maybe if she did go full Reynolds on them, they would finally fix the fucking heaters. 

The bell over the door rang and Neil half expected to see Renee making a surprise appearance, but he nearly fell out of his chair when he saw Andrew walking in. He had a tray of coffee in his hand and a small paper bag nestled between the hot cups. Neil opened his mouth to say something but stopped when Jeremy came back around. 

“Andrew?” Jeremy asked, confused, “What are you doing here?” 

“Making a delivery,” Andrew replied, his voice low and bored. Neil raised an eyebrow at the harsh tone. He never spoke to Neil like that, but Neil was slowly discovering that there were parts of Andrew that he didn’t know. 

“I bet Renee is busy,” Jeremy said, “Holidays are always hard on bakeries and Renee doesn’t know how to say no.” 

Andrew just shrugged and walked straight over to the counter. He stopped in front of Neil and dropped the tray down. Luther met him half way and bumped his head against Andrew’s arm until he reached out and gave him a pet. 

Jeremy kept rambling but Andrew seemed content to ignore him in favor of staring Neil down. 

“Hi,” Neil said awkwardly, he looked over to Jeremy who was now pacing back and forth. 

“Hey,” Andrew said, “Renee sends her regards.” 

Jeremy filtered out of the room and disappeared into the back, his voice still carrying as he went. Neil sighed and turned the tray of coffees, his name was written in a neat script in marker on one of them, underneath it was a smiley face. 

“Do you spend a lot of time in the bakery?” Neil asked, trying to sound casual, but his tone was full of curiosity. He pulled the coffee out of the tray and popped the top off, letting the hot steam free. 

“I live upstairs,” Andrew said, “Stop by every morning.” 

“You live above where I work,” Neil said, “And I live above where you work.” 

“Astute observation,” Andrew said, “Anything else?”

Neil rolled his eyes and grabbed the baggie from the tray. He opened it up to discover a lonely looking scone, still warm from the oven. 

“Does this mean you’ll come by and visit me while I work?” Neil asked. It probably sounded desperate but a part of him didn’t really care. 

“Maybe,” Andrew said, he tapped his knuckles against the counter and Luther started to swat at him until Andrew gave in once again to give him a pet, “Don’t look so smug.” 

Neil couldn’t help but smirk a little at the tone. He unearthed his scone from the bag and started ripping it to shreds. Andrew sighed at him but didn’t comment. 

“I’m going out of town for a few days,” Andrew said, “Going to Chicago to visit my brother.” 

“Twin?” Neil asked.

“No my other brother,” Andrew replied sarcastically. He reached out and stole a piece of scone and made a face when he took a bite of it. “Not sweet enough.”

“Good thing it’s mine and not yours,” Neil said. 

Andrew flicked crumbs in his direction and Neil laughed at him before covering his mouth with his hand to keep it at bay. Andrew’s face twisted ever so slightly at the sight, but he once again kept his comment to himself. 

“When will you be back?” Neil asked. 

“Saturday,” Andrew replied, “Just in time for the big gay Thanksgiving celebration at the bar.”

Neil swallowed down a bite of scone and took a drink of his coffee and then started shaking one of his legs unconsciously. Something was building up like an uncontrollable urge in the back of his throat. It felt like he could throw up, but the words that came out were, “Do you want to do something when you get back?” 

Andrew gave him a look that said more than a thousand words could. It wasn’t rejection nor was it a yes, it was pure curiosity, confusion, maybe a bit of uncertainty. 

“Like what?” Andrew asked, he leaned against the counter and Neil tried to keep himself settled by shaking his leg and ripping apart the rest of the scone. 

“I don’t know,” Neil said, he looked down and tried to avoid eye contact, he didn’t know what he wanted exactly. He just knew that he liked being close to Andrew, that he had a _crush_ on Andrew and a part of him, a part that was purely instinctual felt the need to ask rather than wait. 

Andrew hummed. “We can figure it out.” 

Neil looked up, surprised at Andrew’s easy acceptance and then nodded with more enthusiasm than necessary. 

“Yeah,” Neil said, “Cool.” 

Andrew’s smirk was small but his cheek dimpled and Neil’s heart spiked in time with the shaking of his leg. He whipped the excess crumbs and the lingering sweat off his hands onto his pants and squeezed his leg to try and settle the quakes.

“Relax,” Andrew said quietly, “You’re freaking out.” 

“No I’m not,” Neil replied, offended. 

“Yes you are,” Andrew said, amused, “You’re literally shaking.” 

Neil glared. “Don’t be a dick.” 

“I’m always a dick,” Andrew replied, “You signed up for this.” 

Jeremy took that exact moment to burst through the backroom and Neil looked over his shoulder and watched as he came out with three boxes stacked on top of each other. 

“What are you doing?” Neil asked.

“Restocking,” Jeremy said, his voice strained and muffled behind the boxes. 

Neil looked around at the fully stocked store. “Why?” 

“Because I am freaking out,” Jeremy said, he dropped the boxes down beside the counter with a thud, “And I need to do something with my hands.” 

Neil sighed. He didn’t have a choice. It was an open invitation, and even though he wanted to avoid it he opened his mouth and asked, “What’s wrong, Jeremy?” 

“I’m going to meet my boyfriend’s parents this week,” Jeremy said, “On _Thanksgiving_ and I’m a little stressed out.” 

Andrew snorted, “You should see Kevin.” 

Jeremy looked at him with wide eyes. “Is he freaking out too? Is he worried I’m going to embarrass him? Jean’s already met them but _I’ve_ never met them. What if they hate me? What if I say the wrong thing? His dad is a _football_ coach. I don’t know anything about football. I played _hockey_. They’re going to think I’m-”

“Stop,” Neil said, holding a hand up, “You’re turning blue.” 

Jeremy let out a deep groan and practically threw himself across the counter. Neil quickly moved the tray out of his way so there was no spilt coffee. Luther walked over and started tapping the back of Jeremy’s head, his nails getting caught in blonde hair. 

“What do I do?” Jeremy asked, his voice muffled. 

“Good luck with that,” Andrew said, stepping away from the counter, “I have my own idiot to deal with.” 

Jeremy looked up and reached out in a half-hearted attempt to get Andrew to stay. “Wait!” Jeremy called after him, “I have questions!”

Andrew just gave him a mocking salute and then disappeared out the front door of the store. Neil watched him go longingly, wishing he could have stayed as a buffer.

Neil awkwardly cleared his throat and pat Jeremy on the back. “It will be fine,” Neil said and he hoped that it was the right thing to say. 

Jeremy looked up at him with pleading, bright eyes. “Do you really think so?” 

Neil sighed and pulled his arm back, picking at the ruined pieces of scone on the counter in front of him. With fond exasperation Neil said, “I fucking hope so.” 

By the end of the shift Neil was exhausted and it wasn’t from working but from listening to Jeremy and trying his absolute best to be helpful. Turns out that Jeremy was dating both Jean from the bar and some guy named Kevin, who just so happened to be Andrew’s roommate and friend from college. It seemed that the world Neil had accidentally fallen into in New York was getting smaller and smaller at every turn. 

Jeremy apologized profusely as they locked up and then pulled Neil into a quick hug, that left Neil stiff and surprised, before telling him to have a nice holiday and scurrying up to the apartments above the bakery. 

Neil took the subway home and found a note from Allison posted to the fridge that she probably wouldn’t see him until Thanksgiving. He wondered where she would be or what she would be doing for two days, but he figured he could ask next time he saw her. 

He was on the fire escape smoking, ignoring the bitter cold when his phone buzzed against the rusted metal. He picked it up and chewed on his lip when he saw a message from Andrew waiting for him. 

**Andrew:** December 2nd at 6. It’s a date.

Neil hid his face in his sleeve and despite the wind chill and the aching cold, he felt warm all over.

***

“So,” Matt asked, he looked over the menu in his hand so he could stare Neil down, “Are you going to tell me about this mystery person you have a crush on?” 

They were at the diner before Randy’s boxing match. Neil was still buzzing with something close to anticipation after the text from Andrew last night, a text that he just couldn’t manage to answer because his chest was painfully tight and his stomach kept flopping and he was very sure that anything he said would come out completely wrong. Plus Andrew was on his way to spend some time with his brother, he probably didn’t need Neil texting him anyway. 

“No,” Neil said, and then he sighed and dropped his menu to the table, “Yes. I don’t know.” 

“You don’t have to,” Matt said quickly, “We can just eat and talk about something else.” 

“There isn’t much to say,” Neil replied, he ran his hand through his hair and thought, not for the first time, that he really needed a haircut. 

“How did you meet? What’s their name? Have you told them? Do you think they like you back?” 

“That’s a lot of questions,” Neil said, “Too many.” 

“Answer just one.” 

Neil chewed on his lip and tapped his finger against the menu. The diner they were in was weirdly quiet for rush hour but Neil suspected that it was just because people were traveling or home cooking for the holiday. 

“I met him at a bar,” Neil said. 

“Him?” Matt asked, sounding more surprised than Neil thought he would.

“Yeah,” Neil said softly, he didn’t want to look up and see if the emotion in Matt’s voice matched his expression. Would Matt think of him differently because it was a guy? Did Neil care? 

“That’s cool, man,” Matt said, “Don’t look so upset. I just didn’t know you were into guys. I’m bi, promise it doesn’t bother me or anything.” 

“Oh,” Neil said, looking up, “I didn’t know.” 

Matt laughed and waved him off. “It’s fine. This isn’t about me.” 

Neil swallowed against the lump in his throat and said, “I’m not really _into_ guys. Or, well, anyone.” 

“Just this one?” 

Neil traced a line of condensation off the edge of his cup and shrugged. “Just this one.”

“Must be special then,” Matt said, with a smirk. 

If Andrew knew Dan then the odds were strong that he knew Matt as well, even if it was through Renee and only a brief encounter. Maybe they wouldn’t remember him, or maybe they did and they would get far too enthusiastic about Neil’s interest. He wanted to keep Andrew’s identity to himself for a while, this was a big enough step in one direction, Neil wasn’t sure he could take another. 

“Yeah,” Neil said, “He’s sort of an asshole but he’s interesting. Easy to talk to.” 

“Funny?” Matt asked, he lowered his menu and folded it closed, an action that must have signalled the waitress because within a few seconds she was at their table and asking them what they wanted. 

They ordered and handed off their menus and once there were no barriers between them Neil felt a hint more exposed than he wanted. He traced lines against his glass of water and sighed. 

“So?” Matt asked, “Is he funny?”

Neil shrugged. “I guess.” 

“This is like pulling teeth,” Matt said with a laugh, “You should be excited you met someone. Not worried about it.” 

Matt was probably right but he didn’t know the whole truth. Neil was inexperienced. He never had the chance on the run and before that he had been too young to even think about things like crushes or dating. Things were different now. _He_ was different now. It was also incredibly embarrassing that he couldn’t string two words together to talk about Andrew when he had spent the majority of his life easily lying through his teeth and wielding weapons in self defense. 

He could gut someone like a fish but couldn’t admit out loud that he had a crush. 

“I like him,” Neil said, “I don’t know why. I just do.” 

Matt’s smile was soft and melty and Neil had to look away because it made the tips of his ears burn with embarrassment. 

“I’m happy for you,” Matt said, “I won’t mention it to Dan until you give me the okay.” 

“Alright,” Neil said, “Thanks.” He paused and then looked out the window where people were passing by in a blur. There was a light dusting of snow falling just outside the window.

“We’re going on a date,” Neil blurted, “I think.” 

Matt was halfway through a sip of water and choked. 

“Oh?” Matt asked, coughing a little, “Where? When?” 

Neil couldn’t hide the smile from his face, it was small and maybe not that impressive, but he felt it all the same. 

“December 2nd. I don’t know what we’re doing,” He said, “I don’t really care either way.” 

Matt smiled right along with him, “We may not have any alcohol but I would like to cheer to that.” 

He clinked his glass against Neil’s and Neil laughed when a bit of soda spilled out between them and Matt cursed. 

***

Sleeping in an apartment with heat was a luxury that Neil enjoyed far too much. He woke up the morning of Thanksgiving to the smell of cooking and sounds coming from the kitchen. He took a shower, changed into something lazy and boring and came out of the guest room to find Dan and Matt in their pajamas, surrounded by plates and bowls of food. 

Neil was immediately ushered out of the kitchen when he offered to help and was instead forced into the living room where Matt put the parade on and shoved him into the couch with a cup of coffee and an english muffin. 

They spent the morning lazing about and avoiding the kitchen. Dan had things under control apparently and did _not_ enjoy Matt’s chaotic energy when he cooked or Neil’s absolute inexperience. Apparently the plan to have Matt cook the turkey fell through that very morning. Waking up at 6 am was a requirement to get everything done on time and Matt was unwilling to give up beauty sleep to cook what he called a _dumb bird_.

There was a small giddy feeling in Neil’s chest that had him smiling more than usual and laughing whenever Matt made an off handed comment about the floats in the parade. It felt nice, nicer than anything Neil had ever experienced. 

Afternoon rolled around and Neil changed into something more dinner friendly and helped Dan set the table. Allison showed up at around 3 pm with a tray of food that she _definitely_ didn’t cook, dressed like she was going to a formal dinner party than a casual Thanksgiving dinner. 

There was a sad look in her eyes that Neil couldn’t exactly place. A similar look that she had whenever she ended up talking about or to her parents. She hid it well enough, keeping on a stiff, friendly smile that never reached her eyes and could be convincing enough to others but not convincing enough to Neil. 

He made a mental note to make sure he asked when they got back to the apartment, not wanting to bring it up in front of Dan and Matt.

Randy showed up shortly after, still covered in bruises from her fight the night before. She did in fact have a second turkey in hand but it was smaller than the one that Dan had put together. She ruffled Neil’s hair in greeting and scooped Matt into a bone crushing hug and then kissed Dan on the cheek. Neil was almost worried that Allison would feel out of place, but it was quickly squashed when Neil caught her asking Randy a million and one questions about her job, to which Randy answered happily and then pulled up her shirt to show off the bruises that had been kept hidden. 

They were setting the table and getting ready to eat when Andrew sent a text. It was a simple _Happy Thanksgiving_ but it still made Neil’s heart rate pick up. He typed out the same words and took a picture of their turkey to add to the message. 

**Andrew:** gross 

**Neil:** not a fan of meat?

**Andrew:** not really

Neil took a picture of the pile of mashed potatoes and sent it as a weird form of an apology.

**Neil:** better? 

**Andrew:** much 

“No phones at the table!” Dan called from across the room, pointing at him threateningly. Neil huffed a laugh and shoved his phone into his pocket for later. 

They ate and talked and Allison’s face finally settled with a touch of genuine happiness and Neil felt his heart swell ten times too big for his chest when he looked around the table at his friends, his _family_ and thought that just a year ago he would have never imagined being here. 

Neil helped Dan clean up after dinner and let her put together huge containers of leftovers for him and Allison to take home. They cut up pie and moved to the living room where Matt had a football game playing on the TV and Neil suddenly wondered if Jeremy survived his first Thanksgiving with his boyfriend’s family. He had half the mind to send him a text but as soon as his phone was in his hand he found a series of pictures from Andrew that were waiting for him. 

There were pictures of food and pictures of a small scraggly dog that Andrew said was named Pongo, like the dog from 101 Dalmations, a reference that Neil didn't understand. There was a picture of his twin in the kitchen, flipping off the camera that was followed by a message that said, _Proof_.

**Neil:** wow you really have a twin

**Andrew:** I don’t lie

**Neil:** liar

**Andrew:** 🖕

Neil found himself quietly laughing and covering his mouth with his sleeve so he wouldn’t draw attention. Matt caught his eye from across the room and gave him a knowing smirk. Neil quickly looked away.

**Neil:** how’s chicago

**Andrew:** Cold. Big. Shitty. 

**Neil:** so a lot like New York

**Andrew:** with some obvious things missing

Neil kept pressing his hand against his lips and tried to memorize the weight of his smile, the exact feeling it elicited in his chest, and let himself linger on that feeling for as long as he could manage. It was nice. Freeing. A bit scary and new but exciting all the same. 

“You look so gross right now,” Allison commented, leaning into his side and trying to look at his phone, Neil immediately hid it from view, “Aw, come on. Who are you texting?” 

Matt stood from the couch and clapped his hands, gaining everyone’s attention. “Charades?” 

The distraction worked immediately and Neil didn’t even mind being dragged into an awkward game of charades where most of the references were completely lost on him anyway. 

Allison and Neil left rather late, with their surplus of food, and almost the entirety of Randy’s second turkey. They all smothered Neil in hugs and even pulled Allison in for her own, causing her to let out a surprised sound that reminded Neil of the birds in the park. 

They rode the subway home in silence and didn’t say a word until they were both curled under the white fluffy blanket on their couch. 

“What’s with you?” Neil asked, watching Allison carefully for any lingering sadness.

“I went to see my parents,” Allison admitted, “Thought it was what I needed.” 

“Was it?” 

“No,” Allison replied, she looked down at her hands and Neil noticed that they were shaking. “They’ll never understand me and I’ll never understand them. I gave up a life of money and a job at my dad’s multi-million dollar company so that I could wait tables and live in an apartment that’s always fucking freezing.” 

Neil watched the sadness waft through her face like a cold breeze through the window of his bedroom. As soon as it was there it was gone, but Allison hadn’t forced it down or hidden it, it came and went and then contentment seemed to settle on her face. 

“I don’t regret it,” Allison said, before Neil could ask, “Now I can do what I _really_ want.” 

“Become a stripper?” Neil asked. 

Allison laughed and grabbed him by the shoulder, pulling him across the couch and melding him into her side. She wasn’t soft or gentle, her edges were sharp but so were Neil’s. He settled against her without much protest and even let her run her long nails across his scalp. 

“Sure,” She said, “We can go into business together.” 

“I think we would attract very different clients,” Neil commented.

“Good,” Allison said, “We switch off every other night. More clientele means more money.” 

“You sure you don’t want to go into business?” Neil asked jokingly. Allison’s responding sigh told him all he needed to know. 

“In the spring I’m going to start taking classes at the Fashion Institute of New York,” Allison said, “I want to build my own empire without their help.” 

Neil leaned away so he could look her in the eye as he said, “I’ll help.” 

Allison smirked and scrubbed her hand against his shaggy hair, “That’s all the help I will ever need.” 

After a moment of quiet she added, “Just not actually because you’re sort of a disaster when it comes to dressing yourself-”

Neil pushed her away and stood up off the couch. “You’re the worst. Goodnight.” 

“Aw!” Allison called, watching him go, “I still love you even if you’re a disaster!” 

Neil hesitated by his bedroom door, his hang lingering on the frame of his door. He looked back over his shoulder and quickly said, “Love you too.” 

Allison looked at him with wide eyes and then her face melted into sheer joy.

“Oh my god,” She said, “He _does_ have feelings. Someone call the presses!” 

“I hate you so much,” Neil complained. He slammed his bedroom door and immediately their neighbors started banging on their shared wall.

“Yeah fuck you too!” Allison called over to them, “Happy fucking Thanksgiving!” 

Neil rolled his eyes and grabbed his cigarettes before climbing out onto the fire escape. He pulled out his phone and sent a picture of the darkened street below to Andrew without any context. 

**Andrew:** don’t quit your day job. Photography isn’t your thing.

**Neil:** fuck there goes my 10 year plan

**Andrew:** smart ass

Neil leaned his head back against the brick wall and took in a deep breath of the curling smoke and for the first time since his mother died it didn’t serve as a reminder of her presence, but instead left him longing for something entirely different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is going to be out sooner rather than later and will in fact feature the first "date." You'll see what I mean.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for being MIA for a while. I took a bit of a hiatus that I don't think I'm fully out of yet but I finally had the chance to work on this chapter so here it is!!

_A date_.

Neil paced around his bedroom, trying to parse together something to wear and quite frankly _failing_. He knew that dates were fancier than normal hang outs and a part of him wanted to look more put together than he did whenever he went down to the bar. It was also freezing outside and he wasn’t sure what they would be doing or where they were going, so he didn’t want to rule out being outside in below freezing weather. 

No one had prepared him for just how cold it got in the city. Baltimore had seen its fair share of cold weather, but it seemed like New York was always a touch colder than everywhere else.

Maybe now wasn’t the time to worry about the weather. 

Neil had never been on a _date_ before, if he could even call this _that_. He didn’t know what people did on dates, what they talked about, where they went, how long the dates lasted. He would ask someone for advice if it didn’t feel like such a challenge to try and get information out of someone.

Allison was at work and she didn’t know anything about Andrew or about Neil meeting him at the bar downstairs, and he wasn’t really ready to try and have that conversation with her. Especially not when he _knew_ exactly how she would react, with great excitement and a fair amount of teasing. The only downside to keeping it from Allison was that she could probably ease his fears with little more than a few words and a hand selected outfit that didn’t make him look like he was still living out of motel rooms. 

He could text Matt, but Matt had already sent him more than enough texts for one day and most of them were probing questions about the date. 

_The date_. 

Neil ran his hands through his hair and tried not to think too hard, in fear of freaking himself out even more. It would be fine. It was like every other time that Neil went and hung out with Andrew. They would talk, Andrew would tease him, Neil would come up with a retort, and if Neil was lucky Andrew would smile and his cheek would dimple and it would have been all worth it. Maybe. 

He grabbed the cleanest outfit, a pair of dark jeans that weren’t as ripped as his other pairs and a dark sweater that would help keep the bite of the cold at bay, and pulled it on without thinking too much about it. 

He grabbed his phone and shoved it in the deep pockets of his jeans and then went into the bathroom to try and make sure that his hair wasn’t in a complete state of disarray. He was going to have to find a barbershop sooner rather than later. The red curls were starting to poke around in all directions and it was getting harder and harder to keep everything at bay. 

Neil’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he nearly jumped out of his skin, because apparently he did that now _freaked out_ at the slightest disturbances. 

The text that was waiting from him was from Matt and Neil rolled his eyes and closed the message without actually responding. He could text him tomorrow, or maybe the day after, or maybe _never_ , especially if Matt was going to just keep asking awkward questions that Neil didn’t want to answer. 

Neil had his phone half-way into his pocket when it buzzed once again. He sighed and pulled it out, ready to actually send a reply to Matt, something frustrated like _just leave me alone for ten minutes_ , but instead the message waiting for him wasn’t from Matt but from Andrew. 

Neil worried his lower lip between his teeth and stared at his phone for several minutes before opening the message. 

**Andrew:** Jean is late and I have to cover the first half of his shift

Neil let out a breath and started typing out a reply before deleting it and then trying again before deleting it _again_. Indecision felt like a heavy weight in his stomach, like he had eaten some of Matt’s cakey pancakes and made himself sick. 

If Andrew cancelled it would be well enough, Neil could just take off the oddly tight clothing he was wearing and never have to worry about it again. But if Andrew tried to reschedule then it would start the process all over again. Freaking out and pacing around the apartment like a teenager waiting for their date to prom, or whatever the fuck happened in the movies he had seen growing up. 

It turned out he didn’t really have to worry about replying. Andrew sent another text immediately afterwards and then another.

**Andrew:** I have to cover for a couple of hours

**Andrew:** can you wait or do you turn into a pumpkin after 9 pm?

Neil snorted and shook his head. Feeling the anxiety start to ease. He was overthinking this. It wasn’t anything fancy or to be stressed out about. It was Neil and it was Andrew. Hanging out somewhere other than the bar or the comic book store. It was something different but that didn’t really change anything in the long run. Neil just had to keep reminding himself that it was going to be the same as it always was. If Andrew wasn’t freaking out then Neil wouldn’t freak out either. 

**Neil:** you have seen me past 9 pm

**Andrew:** you got me there

**Andrew:** you can just come down to the bar and wait if you want

**Andrew:** or don’t. do whatever you want

**Neil:** I’ll think about it

**Andrew:** 🙄

Neil locked his phone and shook out his arms and stared at the mirror for longer than he should before deciding that he didn’t really have much to lose by just going downstairs and hanging out for a few hours. It was familiar territory, it might make everything that came after a little bit easier. 

***

The bar wasn’t too busy when Neil got there, even if it was just after 9 pm, but Andrew was preoccupied with talking to one of the managers and could only manage a short nod in Neil’s direction before continuing his conversation. 

Neil sat in his usual spot at the bar and kicked his legs back and forth and scrolled through the news on his phone while he waited. Which ended up being not that long because out of nowhere Andrew stopped by to drop a can of soda in front of Neil and then ruffled his hair before disappearing again. 

It took about an hour before Andrew had a chance to really come over and talk to him. Neil could see the dark circles under his eyes when he was close and his usual teasing banter was subdued significantly. 

“You okay?” Neil asked, after a moment. Andrew kept tapping his knuckles against the bartop. This time the tape around his knuckles was a deep red that looked a little bit like fresh blood when the lights reflected off of the plastic shine. 

“I’m fine,” Andrew said, but he didn’t look like he meant it, “It’s been a long week. Just want to get out of here.” 

“When is Jean coming in?” 

Andrew pulled his phone out of his pocket and sighed, “Twenty minutes.” 

“Almost time then,” Neil said, he reached out and tapped the tape covering Andrew’s pointer finger, “Do you want to just go home after?” 

“No,” Andrew said immediately, and then, “Shut up.” 

Neil laughed as Andrew walked away, flipping Neil off over his shoulder as he went. 

Jean showed up more than 20 minutes later and was immediately met with Andrew’s glare and an attitude. Jean just waved him off and ignored him as he got to work, side eyeing Neil at the end of the bar. 

Andrew disappeared into the back and came back out a moment later with a thick black jacket on and a slight glare on his face. He flipped Jean off as he walked around the bar and straight to Neil. 

“Let’s go,” Andrew said, with a nod of his head towards the door. Neil jumped up and followed him out into the chilly night air. 

Andrew shuffled around for his pack of cigarettes and pulled two out, lighting them both and handing one off to Neil. He didn’t say anything until he had taken his third drag, his expression softening the longer they were outside of the bar. 

“I wasn’t supposed to work today,” Andrew said, letting the smoke curl out around them, “Jean is just fucking useless.” 

“Did he call you in?” Neil asked. 

“Yeah,” Andrew said between a drag of his cigarette, “Well, technically he just knocked on my door because he was in my apartment.” 

“Oh,” Neil said, and then he realized what Andrew meant, “ _Oh_. No wonder you’re in a bad mood.” 

Andrew rolled his eyes and gave Neil a shove with his elbow. “He ruined my plans.” 

“You had plans?” Neil asked. 

Andrew raised an eyebrow at him, “Did you think I was just going to make it up as we went?” 

Neil shuffled from one foot to the other and opened his mouth to say something but Andrew raised a hand to stop him. 

“Don’t answer that,” Andrew said, “I don’t want to be insulted.” 

Neil laughed and played with the end of his cigarette, not bothering to take a drag to keep the flame alive. 

“We’re going to have to improvise,” Andrew said, “How do you feel about bodega food?” 

Neil smiled and said, “I’ve been known to eat bodega food.” 

Andrew flicked his cigarette out into the street and then snatched Neil’s now burnt out cigarette before tucking it back into his pack.

“Good,” Andrew said, he tugged on the sleeve of Neil’s heavy sweater and said, “Follow me then.” 

They walked to the bodega and Neil asked about Chicago and Andrew told him honestly that his family is exhausting but it was nice to see his Niece and Nephew. 

“Twins,” Andrew said, “They had fucking twins.” 

“Not identical though,” Neil replied, “They were spared the trauma of sharing the same face as someone.” 

Andrew just shoved him again and smiled and Neil caught sight of one of his dimples and thought _yes it was worth all of the freaking out just to see that_. 

They walked to the bodega down the street, the same one that Neil often went to when he was coming and going on his way to work. The inside was pleasantly warm and Neil bent over to give the bodega cat some scratches behind the ear, just the way she liked it, before following Andrew around the small store. 

Andrew grabbed random bags of chips and snacks and shoved them into Neil’s arms as they walked around, not bothering to ask if there was anything Neil didn’t like. Which there wasn’t, because if Neil was being honest, he could eat just about anything. 

When they got back to the counter Andrew paid and Neil pet the cat one more time before being handed a couple bags and led back out into the cold streets. 

“Park?” Andrew asked. 

“In this weather?” Neil joked and Andrew rolled his eyes and led them across the street.

The park was pretty much empty and quiet except for the occasional person walking by with their dog. Andrew sat down at one of the open benches and Neil sat beside him, laying out the bags between them. 

“Okay so,” Andrew said, opening one of the bags and pulling out their snacks one at a time. “We have air fried chips with cheese.” 

“Pretty sure these aren’t air fried,” Neil said, grabbing the bag of cheez doodles out of Andrew’s hand and opening them up. Andrew shushed him and then continued on. 

“A handmade cinnamon bun with icing,” Andrew said, grabbing the honey bun and dropping it in Neil’s lap. “Hand dipped chocolates,” He said while handing off a bag of M&M’s. 

Neil laughed and covered his mouth as Andrew listed off more fancy retellings of cheap snacks until their bags were empty.

“What’s your favorite?” Neil asked, waving a cheez doodle in Andrew’s face. 

Andrew hummed and picked around their stack until he found a small package of Peanut Chews and showed them off. 

“Careful,” Neil warned, “I could be allergic to peanuts.” 

Andrew’s eyebrow quirked and he stopped himself before he ripped the package open. “Are you?” 

“Nope,” Neil said, “But I could be.” 

Andrew rolled his eyes and ripped the package open and threw the wrapper at him in retaliation. Neil grabbed it and shoved it back into one of the empty bags so it wouldn’t fly away into the park. 

“Is this what you had planned?” Neil asked, wiping the cheese dust off of his fingers onto his jeans, which had Andrew cringe and made Neil smile harder.

“No,” Andrew said, he reached out and cleaned off Neil’s jeans and then looked up to meet his eyes. He raised his hand and let it hover just an inch away from Neil’s skin. Neil gave him a short nod and soon Andrew was swiping his thumb across the edge of Neil’s lip before taking it away and licking off the stray dust he had collected. 

“I _was_ going to take you to an actual place to eat,” Andrew said, with a shrug, “But Jean had to go and be late for work.” 

“There’s always next time,” Neil said. Andrew gave him a curious look and then smirked, his cheek dimple making an appearance.

“Guess so,” Andrew said, he popped open the honey bun and ripped off a piece, holding it out towards Neil’s mouth.

Even in the cold, Neil felt his entire body go warm.

He leaned forward and took the piece right out of Andrew’s hand with his lips and leaned back just as quickly, trying not to look too embarrassingly affected by the small display.

Neil whipped his mouth with the back of his hand and fiddled with one of the packages of chips in his lap so he had something to do with his hands. 

Andrew seemed to catch on to the nervous tension. He let out a breath and reached a hand out in offering. Neil stared at it for a second and just as Andrew moved to take it away Neil lept into action, reaching out and grabbing a hold of Andrew’s fingers until he was dragging his hand across the space between them and into his lap. 

Andrew let out a soft snort and then fell quiet as Neil started to fiddle with the rings and the red tape on his fingers, just like he always wanted. 

“Why do you wear these?” Neil asked, running a line around the edge of the tape and then back again. Andrew let out an involuntary shiver and Neil couldn’t help but be amazed that he wasn’t the only one who couldn’t control his responses. 

“I don’t know,” Andrew said, “I started taping my fingers in high school with masking tape. It was something to do with my hands when I was in class.” 

Neil looked down at Andrew’s hand in his lap, the same hand that he had been staring at for weeks since they first met. Andrew’s skin wasn’t exactly smooth, it felt a bit dry and calloused but still felt nice all the same to run his fingers over. It was much better than the puckered scars on the back of Neil’s hand. Then again Neil didn’t go around touching his own hand like this. Like it was something precious to be adored. 

“It just sort of stuck?” Neil asked. 

Andrew shrugged. “I used to write across the tape when I was bored. My foster parents hated it.” 

“You were in foster care?” Neil asked. 

Andrew looked surprised at himself for half a second before he schooled his expression. He turned his hand over and caught Neil’s fingers with his own, sliding them together until they were doing something that sort of resembled holding hands, but was much looser and less restricting. Neil wondered if it was for his benefit or Andrew’s. 

“Yeah,” Andrew said, “For a long time.” 

Neil didn’t want to ask what it was like because the haunted look in Andrew’s eyes, the far off stare that was sort of taking over his expression, told him more than enough about what it was like in foster care. 

It was a familiar expression. Neil had seen it in his own eyes when he looked in the mirror, especially on days where his father’s ghost seemed to linger around every corner. On those days he covered the mirrors so he didn’t have to look.

“How did you end up in New York?” Neil decided to ask, to play it safe, bring it back to familiar ground.

“I threw a dart at a map,” Andrew said with no inflection. Neil huffed out a laugh and pinched the palm of his hand. 

“You’re such a liar,” Neil said, “Let me guess, you followed someone here.” 

“Clever,” Andrew said, “I moved up here with Kevin.” 

“From?” 

“You’re very nosy today,” Andrew commented. He squeezed Neil’s hand and then loosened his grip once again. 

“I’m trying to get to know you,” Neil replied, “It isn’t my fault that you hate being honest.” 

“Then how about you?” Andrew asked, “How did you end up in New York?” 

“Dan and Matt,” Neil said easily, “I met them in Baltimore.” 

“Baltimore?” Andrew asked, “Really?” 

“Really.” 

“What was in Baltimore?”

“Hell,” Neil replied, he didn’t look away from Andrew as he said, “I crawled out by dumb fucking luck.” 

Andrew hummed and pulled his hand away enough so that he could run the tips of his fingers over Neil’s palm and then down to his wrist where the scars from the handcuffs that his father had forced him into were still visible. 

“Life has been hell,” Andrew said, and then squeezed Neil’s hand, “But it’s not so bad anymore.” 

Neil smiled and leaned a bit into Andrew’s space, the bags crinkling between them from his weight, “You’re welcome.” 

Andrew huffed a laugh and this time it was his turn to pinch the skin of Neil’s palm. 

“When did you get so bold?” Andrew asked. 

“I _did_ ask you on a date,” Neil said, “I guess I have it in me to be bold sometimes.” 

“And what a great date it is,” Andrew said, waving his hand to show the dark park, “Bodega food in the middle of winter.” 

“Could be worse,” Neil replied, he fiddled with the tape on Andrew’s finger and shrugged, “Could be a lot worse.” 

What he doesn’t say was that Andrew could have taken him to have a picnic at the dump and Neil would still consider it a good date. At least it was them. To him that meant more than where they went or what they did. 

It made his earlier anxiety seem childish but it seemed like a rite of passage. Although a part of him wished he had worn a jacket.

“You have low standards,” Andrew said with a huff. 

Neil shook his head and looked down at their hands, contrasting colors and scars with blood red tape between. 

“I’ve never been on a date before,” Neil said, “So yeah, I have low standards. Not much to compare it to.” 

“Good,” Andrew said, “Means I can get away with this.” 

“Next time let’s go someplace with heat,” Neil said, his hands were starting to shake from the bitter cold, “Or I might end up losing a limb.” 

“As long as it isn’t one of your legs,” Andrew said, “I think you’ll be fine.” 

“Aw,” Neil said jokingly, “You like my legs.” 

“I hate you,” Andrew replied and then he bit down on his bottom lip like the words physically hurt him. He simply breathed for a second until the tension released from his shoulders. Neil watched him until he seemed to settle. 

It was gone in an instant and Neil wondered what it was about the phrase that had Andrew stiffening up. Maybe he didn’t mean to say it, maybe it was a knee-jerk reaction. Either way it didn’t bother Neil. He was fine with it. He knew that Andrew had a tendency to lie about things and that one statement was by far the worst attempt at lying that Neil had ever seen.

“It’s okay,” Neil said, attempting to ease Andrew’s anxiety, “I know.” 

Andrew gave him an unimpressed look but there was something warm in his dark eyes that had Neil wanting to lean forward and press their foreheads together. He didn’t, he stayed still and waited for Andrew to say something else. 

“Forget it,” Andrew said, and then squeezed his hand, “Try one of the peanut chews before I steal them all.” 

They sat there for a long while until the cold was too much for Neil to bear and his scars were beginning to feel stiff and uncomfortable against his skin. They talked when they wanted and Neil kept hiding his face in his sleeve when he laughed which only served to make Andrew huff and drag his face back out of hiding. 

It was easy. As easy as any other time that they were together. Although it felt a bit different. Neil had Andrew’s hand in his lap and was touching home with permission and with intention. It felt like he had been given a gift and Neil wanted to cherish every second of it.

At some point Neil started to shiver and Andrew gave him an assessing look before clicking his tongue in disapproval.

“C’mon,” Andrew said suddenly, standing up and dragging Neil along with him, “Let’s get you home before your teeth shatter.” 

“I’m not that cold,” Neil complained. Andrew just rolled his eyes and started cleaning up their mess.

They walked back through the park. They split the bags between them and Andrew reached out to grab Neil’s hand and shoved it into the pocket of his jacket to keep him warm.

The walk to Neil’s apartment was surprisingly short and Neil was sort of reluctant to step inside. He hesitated by the door and moved to hand the bags back over to Andrew but was met with a firm shake of his head. 

“Keep them,” Andrew said, with a shrug, “I don’t need it.” 

“Okay,” Neil said lamely.

They just stood there and stared at each other. Neil didn’t know if he was supposed to do something. Say something. He wasn’t familiar with the urge that was bubbling at the tips of his fingers, like he wanted to reach out and push his hand through the soft hair on Andrew’s head or at least hold his hand one last time before they parted ways. 

Andrew seemed to catch on to his hesitancy to leave. He smirked, and his cheek dimpled and Neil’s heart picked up as Andrew took a step closer. 

“May I?” Andrew asked, reaching out with a hand in clear intention. 

Neil didn’t think he could find a way to get his mouth to work, so all he could manage was a nod. 

Andrew pressed his hand to the side of Neil’s face and pulled him down until they were cheek to cheek. Andrew’s lips grazed the side of Neil’s ear and for half a second it felt like he might be giving him a ghost of a kiss. 

“Goodnight,” Andrew said, his breath warming Neil’s skin and making his heart flutter. 

“Night,” Neil whispered out. Andrew pulled away and squeezed the back of Neil’s neck before taking a step back. 

“I’ll see you,” Andrew said as he started to walk away. 

“Yeah,” Neil replied, watching him go, “I’ll see you.”

He didn’t move until Andrew disappeared down the street and he kept his hand on his ear the whole way up to his apartment and didn’t let go until he was under a mountain of blankets and falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter is okay! It isn't really my favorite but I'm happy I was finally able to finish it up and post it! I hope you enjoyed!!!!
> 
> Just a note that updating will be a bit sporadic because I've decided to take a step back for a bit but I plan on finishing this fic! :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that my updates have been so inconsistent! On the bright side I have the rest of this fic planned out AND it will be finished at some point before the year ends! I hope you enjoy this chapter thank you for sticking with me!
> 
> Also a big thank you to Ominous for reading this through for me before posting!

“Why are you dragging me across the entire city?” Neil asked, annoyed. Allison was walking in front of him with a pep in her step, literally. She was practically bouncing as she walked down the street, not bothering to move out of the way for people that were walking past them. 

“I told you,” Allison said, “We are having a shopping day. And a bonding day. Because you are keeping things from me and I am going to get answers.” 

Neil rolled his eyes. Allison was just being nosy, and he did feel bad about keeping a lot of what was happening in his life to himself, but he didn’t know how to bring it up or confess or tell her how he was feeling. 

Because most of the time he didn’t even know how he was feeling. 

“Also,” Allison said, looking over her shoulder, “You really need to get a jacket.” 

Neil couldn’t argue with that. 

“And maybe a haircut,” Allison commented. 

“Yeah,” Neil said softly, “You’re right.”

“Oh my god,” Allison exclaimed, stopping and grabbing him by the arm, “Did you just say _I was right about something_.” 

“I take it back,” Neil said, “You are not right. You’re wrong. Absolutely wrong.” 

“Hah,” Allison said, “You’re such a liar.” 

Neil rolled his eyes and gave her a shove with his elbow but didn’t push her off of him when she linked their arms and continued on their way down the busy street. 

It was mid December and the stores were starting to flood with people. Andrew had told him that December in New York was a nightmare and Neil was finally starting to see it for himself. There were more people out in the bitter cold then there had been since the summer. 

“Let’s stop here,” Allison said, turning and dragging him into the closest clothing store. 

On the brightside, shopping with Allison was always quick and painless. She didn’t give him many options and Neil didn’t really care about what he was wearing, as long as it was practical and comfortable, so he let her have complete reign when it came to picking out a jacket. It was between two that she offered him and he picked the one with the faux fur lining because it looked painfully soft and comfortable. 

Allison ruffled his hair and told him it was a good choice. The rest of the time in the store was spent with Allison rummaging through the clearance section for clothing and then draping whatever she wanted over Neil’s outstretched arm. By the end of the trip, a whole thirty minutes later, Neil’s arm was weighed down to the point of discomfort. Allison paid with her card and tugged Neil out of the store when they were finished. 

“You only brought me along to carry your shit around,” Neil said with annoyance once they started walking again. 

“Maybe,” Allison cooed, “Or maybe I just like your company.” 

Neil didn’t really doubt that. He knew that Allison liked to spend time with him, she wasn’t the type of person to hang around if she hated someone. Especially since they lived together, she probably would have made his life a living hell until he left if she really didn’t want to be around him. 

“So both then,” Neil concluded. Allison gave him a toothy grin over her shoulder, her hair bouncing with every step. All Neil could do was roll his eyes. 

They stopped at another store and Neil watched as Allison continued to practice her strange form of shopping, but this time around she tucked a couple of cases of hair ties and scrunchies into the bags from their previous trip without paying for them. Neil didn’t comment, he just gave her a knowing look and watched as she gave her wolfish grin and looked away. 

Neil wasn’t exactly annoyed to be spending his day off shopping, but he had hoped to do something else of substance. Tonight he was going out with Andrew again. And this time there would be no interruptions. Neil was just as nervous and excited as he was the first time, only now he knew what he to expect. Something low key and casual. 

The shopping distraction was nice and all but he still would rather be home quietly freaking out in his bedroom. But today was _also_ Allison’s day off and Neil couldn’t avoid acting suspiciously anxious for an entire day without her asking any questions. So he bottled it up and followed Allison around the city while she did more shopping for herself than for anyone else. 

They took the subway back towards the apartment and stopped at a small cafe on the way. Neil watched figures pass by in the window while they sat. Neil with nothing but a small smoothie and Allison with a pile of leafy greens.

“So when are you going to tell me what’s been going on with you?” Allison asked, “You know I hate secrets.” 

“You just like to know everything that’s happening in people’s lives,” Neil said, “It’s called being nosy and it isn’t a real personality trait.” 

Allison threw her head back and laughed unabashedly. She always did everything with full force and no restraint. The action forced a small smile onto Neil’s face, but he wiped it away with the back of his hand when Allison looked back down at him. 

“You are such a brat,” She said, reaching out and pinching his cheek with her nails. Neil glared and pushed her hand away. 

“And you’re nosy,” Neil said, “Nothing is going on.” 

“Something is going on,” Allison replied, “There is definitely something going on.” 

“Nothing,” Neil said, trying to sound convincing. It was getting harder and harder to lie now that his life wasn’t contingent on lying. Which made it harder to keep things to himself, especially things that he just did not want to share. 

“You know,” Allison said, pointing her fork at him, “You used to be better at lying and keeping things bottled up. When we met a few months ago you were skittish like a stray cat, and just as mean. Somehow New York has made you soft, don’t know how or why because usually it has the opposite effect on people but it happened.” 

She stabbed her fork into her salad and leaned across the table on her elbows. It wasn’t as much an intimidating gesture as it was a moderately authoritarian one. She wanted Neil to give her his undivided attention. He gave it willingly. 

“You were a huge dick,” Allison said, “You still are, but I like this version of you a bit more. You finally leave the apartment, you _willingly_ picked out a jacket, _and_ you tolerated an entire day of me dragging you around the city. You’ve changed. It’s not a bad thing. I just wish you would tell me _what_ is changing you.” 

Neil thought about his job at the comic book store and Jeremy’s constant jabbering and how it somehow made talking to people a bit easier. He thought about Dan’s pestering to make sure he ate three square meals a day and took care of himself, and how the words had finally started to sink in and take hold of his subconscious. He thought about Matt’s unwavering and non judgemental support. He thought about Allison ruffling his hair and dragging him around and out of the house when he really didn’t want to leave. 

It wasn’t so much that they had changed him. Before this point Neil would have never taken any help from someone else in his life, but now he saw that things were different. He wasn’t running. He wasn’t counting down the days to his death. He wasn’t forced to pick between sleeping outside or stealing a car and driving through the night. There was no impending death or doom. There wasn’t an expiration date hanging over his head. 

Things changed when the world was no longer full of landmines. Neil had a chance to try his hand at being normal and he honestly wouldn’t know what that meant if it hadn’t been for the people around him giving him the push he needed. 

“I think-” Neil started and stopped. He hadn’t told Allison much about his past. They usually didn’t get that deep into conversation. But it felt like a good enough time as any. She had already started to open up about her home life with her parents. Maybe it was Neil’s turn to do the same. 

It was the secret that she was looking for, but it was a start. 

“I’ve always been running,” Neil said, “I don’t think I’m ready to tell you why but, I’ve never had a place to stay before. Never had a chance to just be a person. I was running from really bad people and now that those bad people are dead I can just sort of-” He shrugged, “Exist.” 

“Poetic,” Allison said without blinking, no questions, no lingering doubt, nothing but acceptance in her eyes. And maybe a bit of understanding. “Who knew you had it in you.” 

“Fuck off,” Neil replied, but he was smiling the smallest amount, and that was more than enough. 

***

Neil got out of the apartment without much of a fuss from Allison. She was suspicious but Neil promised that he would talk about it when he was ready, if he was ever ready, and she had to just accept it. No more questions about where he was going or what he was doing. 

This was just his. His meetings with Andrew, his texts with Andrew. All of the quiet moments shared between them were just Neil’s and no one else’s. He liked it better that way. 

Plus he didn’t know if it would ruin it. Having people know felt like a big step. A confirmation of his feelings when he wasn’t entirely sure where this was even going. _If_ it was going anywhere to begin with. 

Neil paced the front entrance of his apartment building. It was too cold to wait outside even with his new jacket. He kept his hands tucked into the pockets and fiddled with his phone while he waited. 

It didn’t take long for the phone to buzz, telling Neil that Andrew was here to get him. 

He took in a deep breath to try and calm his pounding heart. When he felt like he wasn’t going to pass out, he opened the front door and stepped outside. Andrew was leaning against the brick wall by the bar with a cigarette hanging from his lips. He looked over at Neil and nodded, standing up straight and walking over. 

“How was shopping all day?” Andrew asked, a hint of amusement in his eyes. 

Neil sighed. “It was long.” 

“That’s all?” 

“I got a coat,” Neil said, shrugging down at his jacket. 

“I can see that,” Andrew said. He reached out and tugged on the pocket of Neil’s coat until he was forced to take a step forward, entering Andrew’s space and feeling his body heat radiating off of him. 

“Nice,” Andrew said. He released his hold on Neil’s pocket and reached up to trace a finger inside the collar of his coat, touching the fur lining. 

Neil was probably ten shades of red at this point and he was incredibly grateful for the chilly air that already had his cheeks turning pink. 

“What are we doing?” Neil asked, and it sort of turned into a double meaning, but he really just wanted to know where they were going, what they were doing _right now_. Andrew seemed to pick up on it but didn’t humor him.

“I am going to introduce you to New York pizza,” Andrew said, “And then I am taking you home.” 

“Thrilling,” Neil said, “Who said I haven’t had pizza yet?” 

“Have you?” Andrew asked, raising an eyebrow. He clearly already knew the answer but Neil couldn’t help himself. He nudged Andrew’s foot with his own and smiled. 

“Nope.” 

Andrew rolled his eyes and took a drag of his cigarette. He reached out and grabbed Neil’s hand, tangling their fingers together before tugging him along down the sidewalk. Neil tucked himself closer to Andrew’s side, until their arms were brushing and Andrew sighed before releasing his hand and wrapping his hand around his waist, sticking his hand in Neil’s pocket. 

Neil turned his face and smothered his smile in Andrew’s shoulder. Andrew sighed and nudged him away so that they could walk without tripping over each other. They still kept close and Neil was grateful for the warmth, even with his new coat he felt the cold all the way to his skin.

The restaurant wasn’t much of a restaurant really. It was just a small pizza place on a corner of two busy streets. The inside was washed out with fluorescent lights and Andrew let them in and pushed Neil over to the counter before disconnecting them. 

The guy behind the counter was around the same age as Neil’s father so he took a step back and kept himself just out of reach. Andrew didn’t question him, but he gave him a hint of side eye before ordering. 

They sat down by the window, the cold chill coming through the glass but the warmth of the store was strong enough to keep it to a minimum. Neil slipped out of his jacket and sat across from Andrew, two slices sitting between them and steaming. 

“So what’s so special about New York pizza?” Neil asked, smiling. 

“Nothing,” Andrew replied, “It’s just pizza.” 

“Mhm,” Neil hummed, not convinced, “You said you had to expose me to New York pizza. So it has to be special.” 

“They say it’s the best pizza in the world,” Andrew replied.

“Is it?” 

“I don’t know,” Andrew said with amusement in his eyes, “I haven’t had all the pizza in the world.” 

Neil laughed and covered his mouth to hide it. He ignored Andrew’s hard look of disappointment, the same one he always gave Neil when he covered his face, and gave the pizza a try as a distraction. 

“Wow,” Neil said, “It tastes like pizza.” 

Andrew let out a snort of a laugh and shook his head. 

They ate and talked and Neil felt his heart flutter at how _easy_ it was to spend time with Andrew. It felt natural, even if Neil was still a bit worried about saying something stupid. He knew that it wouldn’t matter because everything rolled off of Andrew as if he was waterproof. Neil bet that he could confess to everything that happened to him growing up and Andrew would take it in without so much as blinking. 

Today was full of unexpected discoveries it seemed. Neil had confessed a little bit of his past to Allison just this morning and now he was considering sharing more with Andrew. He was getting comfortable, something that he had never had before. A new feeling. He relished in it, enjoyed it as much as he could without thinking about the consequences. 

There _were_ no consequences to his happiness. No one to tell him no, no one to grab him by the hair and hit him if he looked at someone for too long. His mother was dead. His father was dead. There was no one coming after him and now Neil felt like was living rather than surviving. 

“You know,” Neil said, “I think this is much better than the first time you took me out.” 

Andrew hummed and leaned back in his seat, tapping his fingers against the hard linoleum of the table. He had black tape around his fingers today and the rings were still present. Neil thought of his own matching ring that he kept on his bedside table. Maybe next time they go out together Neil can wear it just to see how Andrew would react. 

“Don’t start raising your standards,” Andrew said, “I can’t promise it will get any better than this.” 

“Don’t do this often?” 

Andrew looked contemplative, he turned and stared out the window, the passersby not paying them any attention. The traffic light flickered from red to green and cars started to move again, the world in motion around them and yet it felt like they were standing still. 

“I never do this,” Andrew said quietly. It was low enough that Neil thought maybe he misheard him. He looked away from the view outside and caught Andrew’s eye from across the table. 

“What?” Neil asked, just as quiet. He didn’t want to break the spell that had been built around them. 

“I never do this,” Andrew repeated, a bit firmer but still open and vulnerable. A truth that was just for Neil. “This.” He gestured between them like Neil wouldn’t have understood what he meant. 

But Neil knew. Andrew didn’t do _this_. He didn’t take people on dates. He didn’t flirt shamelessly more than once. Neil didn’t think that was true at first, in fact until now he would have never guessed that Andrew didn’t date often. But it was clear as soon as the words were out. That’s why they fumbled so beautifully around each other.

It was the same reason Andrew had whispered that he was a mess all those weeks ago. 

“Oh,” Neil said, because he didn’t really know what else to say. He could say _me neither_ or _What did you do instead_. 

Andrew looked at Neil like he always looked at him. Like he was an intricate problem or a puzzle and there were a few pieces missing but Andrew was determined to see it through. Like he wanted to figure it out, like the problem was more fun than the solution. 

“I usually stick to casual sex,” Andrew said, he didn’t look even a smidge embarrassed by the confession and he watched Neil carefully for a reaction. 

“So this isn’t casual?” Neil asked, because that’s all he could really focus on. Living with Allison made all topics of sex seem absolutely tame. Neil barely flinched at the mention of it anymore.

Andrew smirked and his cheek dimpled and it was the first time Neil had seen it tonight and he felt the sudden urge to press his lips against Andrew’s skin and feel it flex. The urge was sudden and unexpected. He thought about touching Andrew often, but never like _that_.

“Nothing about you is casual,” Andrew said, “You don’t do casual.”

“You don’t know that,” Neil replied, slightly miffed at being seen through so easily. 

“Right sorry,” Andrew said, waving him off, “You don’t do this at all.” 

“No,” Neil confessed, “I don’t. Not even casual sex.” He added the last part as a joke but he saw the way Andrew’s eyes flashed. 

“So it’s like I said,” Andrew replied. He reached across the table and tugged on the collar of Neil’s shirt. “Nothing casual about you at all.” 

Neil swallowed against the lump in his throat and let out a quiet sigh until Andrew released his hold and leaned away. 

There was nothing casual about this. Not really. And yet it felt like the most casual and comfortable thing Neil had ever done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this is a bit short and maybe a bit disappointing. I sort of needed a filler chapter before we get down to business. The next chapters should be up recently.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it too soon to post another chapter? Oh well. Here is another chapter!

Neil came home from work to find Allison sitting on the couch, dressed to the nines with her makeup done perfectly. She looked like she was about to leave the house and spend a night out partying or whatever it is when she’s out of the house. 

“Hey,” Neil said awkwardly. He tugged his lanyard off his neck, the one that Jeremy gave him and is currently covered in pins of superheroes that Neil actually found interesting, and threw it on the counter in the kitchen. Allison looked up from her phone and flipped her hair over her shoulder. 

“Hey,” Allison said, “I wanted to talk to you.” 

“Okay?” Neil said. The atmosphere in the apartment was strange. Allison was acting weird and Neil couldn’t figure out if this was going to be a good conversation or an awkward conversation. Maybe she had bad news. Maybe this was the moment that Allison kicked him out of the apartment and told him to never come back. 

Before he could spiral much further Allison let out a quiet sigh and stood up from the couch, walking into the kitchen and putting her hands down on the counter.

“I am taking a break,” Allison said, “I just wanted you to know.” 

“A break from what?” Neil asked. He was definitely lost and had no idea where Allison was going with this.

“Guys,” Allison said, “Casual sex. Hook ups. Fucking.” 

“Okay,” Neil said, raising his hands in defeat, “Don’t say any more.” 

“I just wanted you to know that I will no longer be kicking you out of the apartment,” Allison said, “Or well, you kicked yourself out of the apartment. But either way. I’m taking a break.” 

“Okay,” Neil replied, “You didn’t have to tell me.” 

Allison hummed and her phone buzzed against the counter. She reached out and picked it up, smiling to herself as she read whatever was written there. 

Neil watched her and wondered who had her smiling like that. Maybe it was good news or something from work. Neil tilted his head and watched as she typed out a reply and then locked her phone, placing it face down on the counter. 

“Not that I didn’t _enjoy_ having casual sex,” Allison said, “But I have decided I no longer want that.” 

“Okay?” Neil replied, which seemed to be the only thing he could say at this point. 

“Listen,” Allison said, “I met someone.” 

“Renee?” Neil asked immediately. Allison just gave him a smirk in reply which was answer enough. 

“I didn’t think you were serious.” 

“I’m always serious,” Allison said, “And I didn’t think anything would come from it. But we’re going on a date.” 

“Like tonight?” Neil asked, “Like now?” 

Allison nodded and smiled with a smug look on her face and flipped her hair over her shoulder. Neil wondered if Andrew knew about Renee going on a date with Allison. He wondered if Andrew was going to put together that the Allison potentially dating Renee was the one that had been sexciling Neil for weeks.

Neil let out a sigh and leaned against the counter, watching the way Allison seemed to glow with joy when her phone buzzed and she read over the message with a smile on her face. 

Neil wondered if he looked like that when he was talking to Andrew. He bet he did, because he wasn’t foolish enough not to recognize the giddy feeling in his chest whenever they talked. Neil twirled Andrew’s ring on his finger and chewed on the inside of his lip. He sort of missed Andrew. They saw each other a few days ago and they talked almost every single day, but Neil still missed him. He missed his cheeky smirks and the way he let Neil hold his hand whenever he wanted. 

Neil was really far gone. He never thought he would feel like this about someone and for whatever reason he didn’t want the feeling to ever go away.

Neil didn’t understand how Allison could jump from having casual sex to focusing on one person. Neil couldn’t imagine having casual sex. He didn’t judge her for it, in fact he had no feelings towards other people having casual sex. But when he thought too hard about it he felt a touch uncomfortable with the concept. And when he thought about Andrew saying _”I usually stick to casual sex”_ he felt a spike of anxiety and sadness. 

Andrew _wasn’t_ currently having casual sex with anyone, not that Neil knew about that. He could be, Neil guessed. They weren’t _dating_ even though they went on dates. 

Neil didn’t know where they stood, not really. He thought that maybe they had _something_. It was new. Maybe it was like Allison and Renee. Delicate like lace. 

“What are you thinking about?” Allison asked, watching Neil with a curious look. 

Neil snapped from his thoughts and sucked on his lower lip before letting it go and stopping himself. He swirled Andrew’s ring without thinking too much about it and fidgeted with the band to keep himself busy. 

“Is it easy to go from having casual sex to wanting to date someone?” Neil asked, “Do you think you’d ever want to go back?” 

Allison hummed and leaned her hip against the counter, her eyes shifted upwards as she thought.

“Casual sex isn’t so black and white,” Allison said, “You’re putting too much weight in it. It’s nice and easy and for a lot of people it works. It’s all they want and need. For some people it isn’t enough. They want romance and a connection. But not everyone is romantic. And not everyone is sexual.” She paused and gave Neil a significant look, “Are you following me?” 

“No,” Neil replied, honestly, “Not at all.” 

“Okay,” Allison said, “I wanted to have sex. So I had sex. Now I want to go on dates and woo someone. So I’m going to go on dates and woo someone. If it doesn’t work out and I _want_ to go back to having casual sex than I will. But for now I’m fine where I am. Everyone is different, Neil. Not everyone is going to want the same thing.” 

She paused and watched Neil for a reaction. He didn’t have much of one at this point. It still didn’t make a lot of sense, but it did make him feel better that maybe, _maybe_ , there was someone else out there who felt the same way as him. Casual sex wasn’t something he could give. But feelings, those were things he discovered he could give. And it wasn’t until Andrew that he realized that he sort of wanted things like kissing and touching. 

Maybe it was all relative. Maybe Neil felt this way because he was different and that wasn’t necessarily wrong or bad. Just not the same as someone like Allison, who didn’t feel like they were tearing themself open when having sex with someone with no feelings attached. 

“What’s bringing this up?” Allison asked, “I’m seriously starting to think you’re hiding someone from me.” 

Neil shook his head. Lying. Like always. 

“I’m just,” He paused and tried to find the right words for what he was feeling. “Figuring things out?” 

“Do you think,” Allison said, “That maybe you don’t feel sexual attraction?” 

Neil raised an eyebrow and gave her a confused look, maybe a bit judgemental as well. 

She rolled her eyes at him. “It’s not abnormal, by the way. Like I said some people want sex and no romance and some people want romance and little to no sex.” 

“What if it’s just-” Neil stopped himself and wondered how much he was going to give away. Allison already knew that there was someone. She knew. She wasn’t stupid. He sucked in a breath and said, “What if it’s just one person.” 

Allison tilted her head, a gesture that clearly said, _continue_. 

Neil turned his nerves to steel. “What if I want both. But only from one specific person.” 

“I don’t know what the word for that would be,” Allison said, “But it sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Boring but reasonable.” 

Neil rolled his eyes and gave her a shove. 

“So you don’t find people attractive?” She asked, “Not even me?” 

“I hate you so much,” Neil replied. He couldn’t help himself but smile a little at her teasing. He pushed her again and Allison reached out to pull him into a chokehold. 

“I’ll let you go if you tell me I’m pretty,” Allison threatened. But her hold was loose enough that Neil easily slipped out and scurried away to his bedroom. 

“Hey come back here!” Allison called, “You didn’t tell me who your mystery dream person is!” 

Neil slammed his door shut and hoped she would just leave for her date without much more excitement. 

*** 

Allison left and sent him a text letting him know that she would be back late. Neil fell asleep and took a nap for about an hour, his feet still sore from work and a slight headache from Jeremy talking his ear off for so many hours straight. It was still better than working with Seth, who liked to spend the majority of their shifts together giving Neil shit for everything he did. Hopefully soon they would put him on shifts by himself. But until then Neil would endure. 

He dragged himself out of bed and went into the kitchen to make himself something to eat. His water had just started to boil when his phone started ringing. He looked at the facetime request from Matt and let out a quiet sigh. 

Neil had been unintentionally, or maybe intentionally avoiding talking to Matt one on one. He didn’t want to bring up the date or _dates_ at this point. Matt was supportive and never judged him, but Neil was still awkward and unsure of himself. Never knowing how to word the things that he wanted to say. 

He took in a deep breath and picked up the call, propping his phone against the backwash on the counter so he could cook while they talked. 

“Holy shit you answered,” Matt said as soon as his face was on the screen. Neil let out a deep sigh and turned to look at the camera. Matt was sitting on his couch at the apartment. Neil wondered if Dan was nearby or if she was still stuck in the office. 

“What’s up?” Neil asked, ignoring Matt’s words, “I’m cooking.” 

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Matt said, he sounded a bit upset, hurt even. Neil wanted to tell him that he was _always_ avoiding people. It was easier that way. Less was expected of him if he didn’t talk to anyone at all. 

But Neil was getting better about that. He was better about letting people in and he wanted to keep Matt on his side for as long as Matt tolerated him. 

“Yeah,” Neil said, “I didn’t want to talk about-” He waved his hand vaguely and hoped that Matt would understand. 

Matt understood because he always understood Neil’s non-verbal language. Almost as well as Dan. 

“Right,” Matt said, “I won’t ask then.” 

Neil sighed and grabbed the box of pasta from the shelf and poured it into his boiling water. He grabbed the wooden spoon from the drawer and gave it a stir before leaning against the counter and looking down at Matt. 

It was almost funny how much less intimidating he was when he was so tiny. It almost made it easier for Neil to open his mouth and talk about Andrew. But he didn’t really want to right now. His mind was still swirling from his earlier conversation with Allison.

“You’re going to be here for Christmas, right?” Matt asked, “Dan wants to be sure.” 

“Yeah,” Neil said, “I don’t have anywhere else to go.” 

Neil flinched when the words came out. It sounded like he was only going because he didn’t have any other options. That was true. If he didn’t want to go he wouldn’t. He tried to pull back what he said but words weren’t coming out right in his head.

“Relax,” Matt said, “You look like you’re going to throw up. I know what you meant. You’ll be here because you’re family. No matter how annoying family can be.” 

Neil opened his eyes and saw that Matt was smirking, as if it was a joke and that Neil hadn’t just inadvertently insulted him.

“I want to be there,” Neil said gently, “I just meant- I want to be there. Forget I said anything.” 

“It’s fine, man,” Matt said, “I know. _We_ know. Don’t worry about it.” 

That was the nice thing about his friendship with Matt and Dan. They already knew about Neil’s past. Although Dan knew more than Matt, it just meant that Neil didn’t have to explain certain things to them. They just understood. Never took offense. 

Allison was the same way without knowing and Neil suspected that Andrew was as well. Although Neil saw the curiosity in both of their faces when he did something or reacted in a way that was unusual. It wasn’t a bad thing, just a lack of knowing. 

“Should I bring something?” Neil asked, “Gifts?” 

“If you want,” Matt said, “It’s not an obligation though. So don’t worry too much about it.” 

Neil had never gone shopping before so he had no idea how _that_ was going to go.

“Food?” Neil asked. 

“No,” Matt said, “Mama Boyd is making enough to feed an army. Her and Dan have been conspiring since Thanksgiving.” 

Neil was sort of excited at the prospect of another home cooked meal. Especially when it was Dan and Randy that were cooking.

“Okay,” Neil said, “I’ll just bring myself then.” 

“That’s the spirit,” Matt said, “You’re all we need.” 

“Gross,” Neil replied with a small smile on his face.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it,” Matt said, “But let me know if I have to beat someone up.” 

“I can take care of myself,” Neil replied. Which was the truth, Neil didn’t need anyone to fight his battles for him. “Nothing bad happened. We saw each other again.” 

“Oh?” Matt asked, and when Neil gave him a stern look he raised his hand in defeat. “Right. We’re _not_ talking about it.” 

They were quiet for a moment before Matt said, “I don’t know why you want to keep it a secret but, you don’t have to. No one is going to judge you, Neil.”

It wasn’t so much about being judged as it was about being unclear where they even stood. He didn’t know what any of his relationship with Andrew meant. He knew that they were friends and he knew that he liked to hold Andrew’s hand and spend time with him. But he wasn’t sure if there was anything _to_ tell about what was going on. What if the moment he said it outloud he ruined it?

Neil didn’t know how any of this worked. Didn’t know if they were dating or if they were just passing the time. Andrew said that he never did this. Was Neil different? Was this situation different? 

Andrew wasn’t wrong when he said that Neil didn’t do casual. But that just meant that they were on the same page, at least in that regard, it didn’t answer any of the other questions. 

Neil was too afraid to ask. He was unwilling to break the spell and ruin it for himself. 

“I just don’t want to talk about it,” Neil said, “It’s new.” 

“I understand,” Matt replied, “Like always I will be here when you’re ready.”

Neil didn’t know if he would ever be ready. It was already more than enough that he had confessed to Matt that there even was a someone. 

“I know,” Neil said, “You’ll be the first one I call when I figure out what’s going on.” 

Matt laughed and then changed the subject so that they weren’t teetering on awkwardly talking about Neil’s feelings. They went over Christmas plans and Matt told Neil to just stay over the night before so that he could avoid the crazy traffic like they did on Thanksgiving. 

They hung up when the pasta was finished cooking and Neil took his bowl and sat on the couch with the fluffy blanket draped over his lap. There was a Christmas special playing on TV and Neil sank deeper into the cushions and watched it in silence.

***

Allison still wasn’t home by 9 pm and Neil wasn’t necessarily worried about her but he wondered what they could possibly be doing. Renee seemed like the type that went to bed by 9 pm and maybe Neil was wrong but he knew how early that bakery was open every morning. There was no way she would let Allison keep her out until the late hours of the morning. 

Neil stood up from the couch and stretched out his limbs and pulled on an extra sweater before throwing on his coat.

At this point Neil knew his schedule as well as he knew his own. Andrew worked almost every day at the bar, but he had a few days off here and there. He liked to stay busy and Neil understood that because at this point he was picking up more shifts than he was taking off at the comic book store.

Andrew would be on break in a little while, the first of many smoke breaks that he took throughout the night. Neil decided to surprise him and just show up in the middle of his break. He was allowed. They spent most of Andrew’s smoke breaks together anyway, the perks of living above his job and all. 

So Neil tucked his cigarettes and his phone into his coat pocket and left his apartment. It was cold outside but Neil’s body was already adjusting to the chill. He no longer shivered when he went outside, but there was the added bonus that he now had a jacket and more layers than he did before. 

He stepped out into the street and turned to walk towards the side door of the bar. He made it there just in time for the door to open and Andrew to step out. 

Neil felt satisfied that his timing was so perfect, especially when Andrew gave him a startled look that was there and then gone in less than a second. 

“What the fuck, Neil?” Andrew asked. He pulled his cigarettes out and put one between his lips, looking away from Neil and fishing through his pockets for a lighter. 

Neil beat him to it. He pulled his lighter out and held it out for Andrew to take, flicking it to get his attention. 

“Thanks,” Andrew said quietly. He took the lighter from Neil’s hand and their fingers brushed before Andrew lit his cigarette. He reached out and shoved Neil’s lighter back into the pocket of his coat without any warning which had Neil letting out a huff of a laugh and catching his arm and squeezing before Andrew pulled away again. 

“I thought I would say hi,” Neil said, “Allison is out tonight. It’s quiet when no one is around.” 

Andrew nodded and looked down at his thick boots, kicking at the pavement below their feet. 

“I like the quiet,” Andrew said, “Kevin never shuts the fuck up. Appreciate it while it lasts.” 

Neil shook his head and turned away. He hadn’t met Kevin yet but someone that was dating Jeremy Knox couldn’t be absolutely quiet and normal. Then again Jean was the quiet stoic type and he was dating both of them. Neil didn’t know how that worked out. 

“I’m used to being alone,” Neil replied, “Now that I don’t have to be alone I don’t know what to do with myself.” 

“Get a hobby,” Andrew replied. Neil laughed and smothered it into the sleeve of his coat. Andrew reached out and grabbed his arm, tugging it away so that Neil couldn’t hide. 

“Stop,” Andrew said, “Just-” he stopped and released his hold on Neil’s arm, looking away like he couldn’t believe he had even tried to say anything at all.

Neil watched him. Andrew was handsome in his own right. His face was all sharp lines and pronounced bones. Neil wanted to reach out and trace his jawline with a finger. It felt so strange to suddenly _want_ something like that. Especially when Neil had never felt it before. 

He didn’t know what to do with that. He didn’t know if he should want that at all.

“Allison said she’s done hooking up with guys,” Neil said, “Or anyone really. She met someone.” 

He waited to see Andrew’s reaction, just to see if maybe Andrew already knew about Allison and Renee. 

“I heard,” Andrew said, all honesty and bluntness, “Renee has a thing for tall snarky girls. I’m not surprised it’s happening.”

Neil smiled and this time he kept his hands at his side. Andrew watched him and stared at him for a moment. 

“She won’t be kicking me out anymore,” Neil said, “I won’t have an excuse to bother you at the bar anymore.” 

“You don’t need an excuse to see me,” Andrew said, it sounded strained like he was forcing himself to admit the words out loud. It sounded like complete honesty and from someone like Andrew, who had the tendency to keep things to himself, it felt like a very big gift to be given. 

“I don’t?” Neil asked, baiting. He stepped a bit closer just to see how Andrew would react. 

The response was immediate and Neil was _not_ disappointed. Andrew turned towards him and reached out, placing his hand on the side of Neil’s face and running his thumb over the curve of Neil’s lips. For half a second Neil thought maybe Andrew was going to kiss him. Or maybe Neil _wanted_ Andrew to kiss him. 

Neil had only kissed one person before. A girl on the run had asked him for a kiss and he was nothing if not curious and a bit rebellious against his mother so he kissed her. It wasn’t anything really. It was stiff and awkward and her lips were chapped and Neil’s were dry. He didn’t feel anything. 

He thought maybe that if Andrew kissed him it would be the complete opposite. It would be everything at once and that was a very scary thought. 

It would probably ruin Neil completely.

“You just have to ask,” Andrew said, he ran his thumb over Neil’s lips one more time before pulling away. Neil immediately missed his warmth. 

“Or I can just show up,” Neil said. 

“Or that,” Andrew replied, “You can always just show up.” 

It was a confirmation in and of itself. Maybe not the exact one that Neil was looking for, but one that still left him feeling warm on the inside. 

“Okay,” Neil said, “Guess you can’t get rid of me that easily.” 

Andrew flicked his cigarette out into the street and then turned towards the door, his hand wrapping around the handle. He hesitated before he stepped inside, giving Neil a significant look that sent a shiver all the way down to Neil’s toes. 

“Who said I wanted to get rid of you?” Andrew asked, and before Neil could really process his words he was stepping inside the bar and closing the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to admit that I will probably be posting the last three chapters really quickly maybe this week will just be still week. Who knows, definitely not me. I never know what I'm going to do at any given moment. 
> 
> thank you again for all of the kind comments!! It really means a lot to have people sticking with this story! <3
> 
> I also want to say that my love for Randy Boyd can not be contained. Praise Mama Boyd with me y'all.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi catch me posting the rest of these chapters at once! Enjoy!

The week before Christmas was absolute chaos. The comic book store had never seen so many customers and Neil figured that this _had_ to be the reason why they were still in business. People came through the store in waves and by the end of his third holiday shift Neil was _dragging_. He went back to the apartment and fell asleep right on the couch because he couldn’t make it all the way to his bedroom. 

There were only a few more days until Christmas and luckily the store was closed on both Christmas Eve and the day of, because Neil really needed the time to recover. 

Today was one of those days where the customers seemed to be endless and Neil was practically dragging himself around the store by the end of his shift. Jeremy kept giving him apologetic looks and patting his shoulder to try and show some sympathy. It wasn’t until Neil was clocked out and shrugging on his jacket that he finally started to relax. It was his last shift before the holiday, which meant that he wouldn’t have to be back in the store until December 26th and Neil could only _hope_ that the store would go back to being painfully quiet. 

The alley was packed to the brim with people and there was a line coming out of the Renee’s bakery. Neil made it all of two feet before someone was grabbing his arm and tugging him away from the passing crowds and back towards the wall of the building. 

Fight or flight was almost an immediate response. He went to pull his arm loose but stopped when he saw that it was Andrew holding onto him, his grip firm but gentle enough to be broken out of easily. 

Neil let out a sigh of relief, his body going loose when he realized he wasn’t in danger.

“Fuck, Andrew,” Neil said, “I almost punched you.” 

“Call it karma then,” Andrew said, “You show up unannounced all the time. Thought it was my turn.” 

Neil couldn’t help but smile and shake his head. He didn’t tug his arm out of Andrew’s grasp. He just let his arm slide through until their hands were touching, tangling up together. There wasn’t any tape on Andrew’s fingers today, and the rings that he was wearing weren’t the usual black and clean. One was red and the other was green. 

“Festive,” Neil said, holding Andrew’s hand up so he could examine the rings, “I didn’t know you got in the holiday spirit.” 

“They were a gift,” Andrew said, tugging his hand away from Neil’s face but keeping their fingers locked together. 

“Sure,” Neil said, “You’re still wearing them.” 

“Shut up,” Andrew said, rolling his eyes and tugging Neil a step closer. 

Neil smiled and decided to just press his forehead against Andrew’s shoulder, keeping every other part of them separate. Andrew’s free hand reached up and tugged on a loose curl behind Neil’s ear. 

“What are you doing here anyway?” Neil asked, “Not that the surprise isn’t nice.” 

“We’re going out,” Andrew said, “If you’re free.” 

Neil leaned back and said, “Wait really? Where are we going?” 

“Christmas shopping,” Andrew replied. 

Neil laughed, “We’re going Christmas shopping? You really are in a festive mood.” 

“Shut up,” Andrew said, pushing Neil’s face away with his free hand, the pads of his fingers digging into Neil’s cheeks. 

Neil couldn’t find it in himself to be annoyed with Andrew’s dismissal. He knew it was all teasing. He felt far too warm and giddy that Andrew showed up at all. Even if it was for something as mundane as Christmas shopping. It just meant that Andrew wanted to spend time with him and that was enough to make Neil feel warm all over and smile as much as he wanted. 

“Come on,” Andrew said, tugging on Neil’s hand and dragging him back into the crowd, “We have places to be.” 

“So demanding,” Neil said, “What if I had plans?” 

“Do you have plans?” Andrew asked, looking like he didn’t believe Neil at all. 

Neil laughed and shook his head. “Nope.” 

“Idiot,” Andrew said under his breath but he tugged Neil a bit closer with his hand and Neil kept smiling. 

It probably wasn’t a good idea to go Christmas shopping a few days before Christmas but they went anyway. Andrew dragged him to small family owned businesses rather than the large department stores in Time’s Square. He picked out a bunch of stuffed animals for his niece and nephew and Neil teased him endlessly about getting them matching toys. 

“They’re 3,” Andrew said, “They won’t fucking notice.” 

Apparently Andrew’s family was coming to New York for the holiday. They would get in tomorrow and stay until New Year’s. Neil sort of wanted to meet them, but he didn’t think they were that close at this point. Meeting family was a big deal apparently, especially to someone like them, whose family was something they picked up along the way rather than having it from the beginning. 

“You never did tell me how you met your brother,” Neil asked when they were picking through gifts for Aaron, “Weren’t you in foster care?” 

Andrew went still for a split second but recovered quickly as he often did. He didn’t blink when he said, “Someone mistook Aaron for me and that’s how we met.” 

“How did he react?” 

“Not well,” Andrew said, “It’s a long story. But we met about a year after that incident and another year later we were getting adopted by our cousin Nicky.” 

“How old were you?” Neil asked. 

“13,” Andrew said. 

“I’m glad you found each other,” Neil said, and he meant it, “You have each other now.” 

Andrew tugged on Neil’s collar and said, “It was never easy and it still isn’t. But at least we aren’t trying to murder each other anymore.” 

Neil nodded and Andrew turned away to keep picking out gifts for his brother. 

Neil wasn’t very good at gift giving but Andrew helped him pick out a gift for Dan, Matt, Allison, and Randy. It was easier when Andrew seemed to know what people would like especially when Neil had no idea what to buy someone. He had never had the chance to just buy things for the sake of buying them, so he didn’t have much taste when it came to knickknacks and the like. 

Andrew didn’t even blink when Neil made that confession, he just pointed him in the right direction and helped him figure out what each of his friends would want. Neil was grateful that he had Andrew. If he went alone this would have been torture, especially with the growing crowds and long lines. 

When they were finished and Andrew had gifts for his entire family, including his niece and nephew, they went outside and sat down by one of the cafe’s. 

“I’m getting hot chocolate,” Andrew said, “Want anything?” 

Neil shrugged. “A coffee? I don’t really like sweets.” 

“There are many things wrong with you, Neil,” Andrew said, “But that’s by far the worst.” 

Neil smiled as he walked away and came back a few moments later with a cup of coffee and a cup of hot chocolate for himself. It was getting dark already, the sun starting to set with the change of the season. Allison was working tonight, which meant that the apartment would be empty for most of the evening. Neil felt the urge to ask Andrew to come over, but he didn’t know if that was too much too soon.

They took the subway back to Neil’s apartment, staying pressed close together out of necessity to avoid the surplus of people on the train. When they got to Neil’s apartment, Neil hesitated by the door, thinking far too much for his own good. 

“Do you want to come up?” Neil finally asked, giving Andrew a look that was both nervous and excited, “I’ll order take out.” 

Andrew sighed and placed his hand on the small of Neil’s back and pushed him inside, following after him without so much as saying that he wanted to stay. 

There was a dusting of snow outside and the apartment was as cold as ever when they got inside. Andrew looked around at the barely decorated space and dropped his bags by the door. 

“Why the fuck is it so cold in here?” Andrew asked, looking around and finding the thermostat on the wall. It was set to a reasonable warmth, but the heat was still broken and it was colder than sin in their apartment. 

“The heating is broken,” Neil said, “It’s never turned on.” 

Andrew walked over to the old radiators by the wall and reached out to grab something and gave it a twist. The result was almost instantaneous. The radiators kicked into gear and groaned and Neil let out a startled noise before rushing over to him. 

“What the fuck did you do?” Neil asked, looking down at the radiator that was now starting to kick on and heat up. 

“You’re a fucking disaster,” Andrew said, “This is a really old heating system. You have to turn on the radiators individually.” 

“You fixed it,” Neil said, awed and excited that for the first time since the winter started they would have actual heat in their apartment. 

“No,” Andrew replied, “They weren’t broken.” 

“Fixed it,” Neil emphasised. And Andrew let out a sigh but didn’t argue with him. It was a losing fight anyway. Neil would rather be impressed with Andrew than recognize his own stupidity at not figuring out how to turn on the radiators.

Neil dropped his bags in his bedroom and then Andrew showed him how to turn on the radiator so he could turn them on in every room in the apartment. By the time Neil ordered food from the Thai place down the street the rooms were starting to heat up for the first time since Neil started living here. 

They settled onto the couch and Andrew let Neil tangle their legs together and pull him under the fluffy blanket. In return Neil let Andrew put a classic Christmas movie on TV that Neil had never seen before. 

“They’re sort of creepy looking,” Neil said, looking at the weird puppet Santa that was on the screen. 

“It’s claymation,” Andrew said, “Of course it’s creepy looking.” 

“I’ve never seen any of these Christmas movies before,” Neil confessed, “I had an unconventional childhood. There was never a chance.” 

“You didn’t miss much,” Andrew said, “And there is always time to see them all if you really want to.” 

“Maybe,” Neil said, he smiled and tucked his feet under Andrew’s thigh, “What’s your favorite?” 

“I don’t think I have one,” Andrew said, “I’m not a fan of Christmas. Never really celebrated when I was in foster care. Nicky was the one that showed me all of these movies.” 

Neil was quiet for a moment because he didn’t really know what to say. He nudged Andrew with his foot and then leaned his head back against the cushion behind him. 

“Are you excited to have them stay over this week?” Neil asked. 

Andrew hummed and squeezed Neil’s ankle over the blanket. 

“Yeah,” Andrew said, “It’s easier now that we don’t live together. I-” He stopped and scratched at his chin with his free hand, “I find myself looking forward to seeing them these days. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that.” 

“I get it,” Neil said. Andrew gave him an amused look and shook his head. 

“Do you?” 

“Sure,” Neil said, “Sometimes you need a break from people. I get it. My friends can be a bit- overbearing.” 

Andrew hummed in agreement. The bell rang and Neil got up and ran downstairs to grab the food.

They ate without much talking but Neil did end up laughing when he tried to give some of his spicy curry to Andrew whose face scrunched up as soon as he tasted it. 

Neil never wanted Andrew to leave. He wanted him to stay and spend the rest of the night here. He didn’t even care if Allison came home and found them curled up together on the couch. For the first time he thought that maybe it was a lot more serious that he previously suspected. They were close. They shared secrets and they talked about their pasts and Andrew let Neil sort through his thoughts and Neil waited patiently while Andrew tried to string together a sentence without being dismissive. 

Neil cleaned up the living room and put away leftovers and sat back down on the couch and took Andrew’s hand into his own and toyed with his Christmas colored rings while the movie played to the end. 

His heart hurt knowing that Andrew had to leave. He didn’t know what to do with that. He wanted to turn around and press his face against Andrew’s neck and stay there until he fell asleep. 

He _really_ didn’t know what to do about that.

“I should go,” Andrew said, he turned his hand and squeezed the tips of Neil’s fingers before pulling away completely and standing up. 

“Okay,” Neil said quietly. Andrew rolled his eyes, finding something amusing in the way Neil’s tone fluctuated with nerves. 

“Nicky is getting in early tomorrow,” Andrew said, “I have to pick him up from the airport.” 

“Okay,” Neil said again. 

Andrew reached out and tugged Neil off the couch and up to his feet. 

“I have something for you,” Andrew said. He went over to his bags and pulled out a small package that Neil didn’t remember him buying. But it must have been one of the moments when Andrew slipped away and then came back like nothing had happened. 

Andrew walked over and dropped the small package into Neil’s hand. 

“Just wait to open it,” Andrew said, he looked a little embarrassed, but to anyone else there would be no reaction on his face, but Neil could see the way his ears and neck were turning a bit pink. 

“Okay,” Neil said, which was the only thing he could manage to say, “I didn’t get you anything.” 

“Don’t worry about it,” Andrew replied dismissively. He grabbed his coat from the chair in the kitchen and shrugged it on, leaving Neil standing in the living room with his hand wrapped around the package. 

“I’ll see you next week?” Neil asked hopefully. Andrew nodded. 

Neil walked him to the door and then down the flight of stairs to the entrance of the apartment. He knew he didn’t have to, but a part of him didn’t want to waste a second of Andrew being here. He didn’t want to waste a second of their time together. 

“I’ll see you,” Andrew assured him, “Don’t mope.” 

Andrew dropped one of his bags and reached out and placed a hand just below Neil’s ear, his fingers curving against his head and pushing through the long curls that had settled there. 

Neil let out a quiet noise as Andrew tugged him forward and pressed a kiss to Neil’s cheek. 

He pulled away just as quickly as he had tugged Neil in and Neil let out a quiet breath of awe as Andrew grabbed his bags and left. 

The door closed behind him but Neil ended up standing there for much longer than he should have, just pressing one of his hands against the cheek that Andrew had just kissed. 

These feelings were making him so selfish, because it didn’t feel like enough. He wanted Andrew to really kiss him. Neil went back up to his apartment and didn’t realize his hands were shaking until he went to bed.

***

Christmas Eve was quiet and Neil appreciated every single second of hearing Matt drunkenly singing Christmas carols while Dan laughed at him. 

He texted with Andrew all night and tried to hide his smile when Andrew sent him pictures of his entire family in matching ugly Christmas sweaters that Nicky and his husband had bought for them. 

Christmas morning was similar to Thanksgiving. Randy came over with bags and bags of food and her and Dan sequestered themselves off into the kitchen while Matt and Neil sat in the living room watching awful Christmas movies. 

Allison came over around 12 pm with a bag of gifts full of gifts and Neil had no idea when she had the time to buy them all, but he wasn’t surprised that she had something for everyone. 

When food was done they ate together and then sat down to open gifts while Dan handed out trays full of cookies. 

It was warm and pleasant and there was a bubbling sensation in Neil’s stomach that had him smiling and laughing whenever Matt threw wrapping paper at him from across the room. 

Neil ended up with a bunch of gifts that he didn’t know what to do with. Including a brand new sweater from Allison that was fuzzy and soft to the touch. He pulled it on immediately and took a secretive photo so he could send it to Andrew with the caption, _better than the orange sweater_. Andrew replied with _absolutely_ and Neil had to try and hide his smile so that no one would give him a suspicious look. 

By the end of the day they were talking and hanging out. Neil snuck away into the kitchen and pulled out the package that Andrew had given him yesterday. He put his phone on the counter and tugged it open, finding a silver chain with nothing on it and a note that said _so you can stop wearing the ring that’s too sizes too big_ in a messy hand writing. 

Neil felt his chest warm and his heart squeeze painfully tight. He unclasped the chain and pulled Andrew’s ring off of his finger and threaded it through, letting it hang low enough to tuck under his shirt and keep hidden. 

He put it on and tucked it under his sweater for safe keeping. 

**Neil:** Now I feel extra bad that I didn’t get you anything

 **Neil:** thank you for the chain

 **Andrew:** don’t mention it

Neil laughed and smothered his smile in the sleeve of his sweater. He turned around and leaned against the counter, watching as Dan and Matt got into a heated argument about something he couldn’t hear from so far away. His phone buzzed in his hand and Neil looked down to see another message from Andrew.

 **Andrew:** you’re welcome

 **Neil:** Merry Christmas, Andrew.

 **Andrew:** Merry Christmas, idiot.

Neil laughed quietly to himself and then caught Allison’s eye from across the room. She gave him a curious look and Neil shook his head, a silent _don’t ask_ that had her rolling her eyes and waving him off. 

Neil felt warm and full all over. He fiddled with the ring through his sweater and let out a quiet breath in wonderment. 

This was all his. He was never going to let it go.


	14. Chapter 14

New Year’s was a couple days away and Neil hadn’t seen Andrew since the day before Christmas Eve. He wasn’t disappointed per say, he knew that Andrew had his family staying with him this week, so he was inevitably going to be busy, but Neil still missed him. No amount of texting was enough. 

It was unreal the way he felt. He quietly stared at their past messages and sometimes scrolled through and looked at pictures that Andrew had sent him over the last couple of days. 

He missed him. He missed Andrew’s dimple and his attitude and his teasing. He missed holding Andrew’s hand and pressing his face into Andrew’s shoulder when he let him. 

Neil was sort of afraid as well. He tried not to over think why Andrew didn’t want Neil to meet his family. Neil was also partially to blame. It was still new, it was still something that hadn’t been defined yet and Neil hadn’t even mentioned Andrew to any of his friends, only Matt and that didn’t really count for anything anyway. 

He wanted to tell Allison, but she was harder to pin down these days. She kept coming and going and was spending more and more of her time with Renee as the days passed. Neil was happy for her, he wanted her to be happy, but he also felt a spike of jealousy. 

Everything was so _easy_ for her. There was never any second guessing. If she wanted to do something she would go out and do it, no questions asked, no mulling it over until she changed her mind. 

She liked Renee, she went for Renee, she got Renee.

All Neil could manage to do was reply to Andrew’s texts and show up at the bar every once in a while. All he had done was ask Andrew out that one time.

He was bad at this and watching Allison go through the motions so easily was frustrating. He wasn’t frustrated with her but with himself. He wanted to be able to tell Andrew how he felt. He wanted to tell his friends and introduce them to him, even if they had already met. Neil wanted those worlds to collide, he just couldn’t figure out how or why. 

A part of him was also afraid that this would just end if he wasn’t careful. Maybe Andrew liked that Neil wasn’t trying to pin him down. There was a possibility that Andrew wasn’t _just_ seeing Neil. The thought hurt more than it should. Andrew wasn’t Neil’s to control or to keep away from other people. Andrew was a free person. 

But even as Neil had the thought he knew that it couldn’t be true. Andrew wasn’t doing this casually. He had told Neil that at the pizza parlor. He had told Neil through his actions rather than his words. And maybe they were fumbling and awkward and maybe it wasn’t exactly the same as Allison and Renee who were happily attached at the hip, but it was something and it was theirs. 

That had to be more than enough. 

But Neil was selfish and wanted more. Maybe more than Andrew was ready to give him. 

So Neil was trying not to think too much about it. Allison was currently dragging him out of the apartment to go to the bar with Dan, Matt, Renee, and some other people that she failed to mention by name. 

He wasn’t really excited to have to go out and socialize, a part of him just wanted to stay home as always, but he knew that the distraction would be more than welcomed. It was what he needed. A chance to get out of his own head and do something different for once. 

What he didn’t expect was to be dragged down to the first floor and brought to the bar where Andrew works. The _gay bar_ that most of them had no business going to, but apparently they were going anyway. Neil immediately clammed up when he saw Dan, Matt, and Renee waiting for them at the front entrance. He watched as Allison scooped Renee up into her arms and kissed her cheek and tried not to let his stomach spike with anxiety. 

But he was nervous.

This was what he wanted, deep down, two worlds to collide so that Neil could have Andrew in all aspects of his life. He wasn’t ready until just recently, but now that he was ready he was greedily hoping that this would change something. That maybe it was the moment they needed to solidify whatever it was between them. 

But he was _so_ fucking nervous. 

He had been avoiding this for a reason and those reasons were that Allison was a tease and Dan would be worried. Another reason was that he didn’t want to scare Andrew off by making it too real too quickly. 

The bar was packed and there were streamers and silver decorations hanging from the ceiling. New Years was still a few days away but it seemed like the bar was already prepared for a celebration. The bouncer checked their IDs and let them in and didn’t bother to check Neil’s just nodded at him and let him in. Neil was quietly grateful that he had stepped in last. If they had noticed the recognition in the bouncer’s eyes then he would have given himself away completely. 

Plus it would be so fucking awkward trying to explain how he was a regular at this bar, especially when he never admitted to anything about his sexuality. Well, other than he doesn’t fucking know if he has one.

Renee led them straight to a table near the back, as far away from the bar as possible, and it was already packed to the brim with people. Neil immediately recognized Jeremy’s ashy blonde hair. Next to him was Jean and on the other side was a guy that Neil had never met before but he assumed was Kevin. 

These were _Andrew’s_ friends and a part of Neil felt so fucking wrong meeting them wtihout Andrew being here. He wanted to fake a sudden illness and go home. His anxiety spiking for no real reason. He was suddenly aware that he was dressed like shit. His sweater had a stain on the sleeve from coffee and his pants were ripped.

He tugged on the end of his sweater and tried to calm himself down, but his hands were sweating and his breathing was uneven. 

Matt tugged him into a seat next to him and Neil sat down and awkwardly looked over Jeremy and company. 

“Neil!” Jeremy said happily, “I’m glad we finally get to hang out outside of work!” 

“Yeah,” Neil said under his breath, he wasn’t sure if anyone had even heard him and it didn’t matter anyway. Jeremy was a ball of energy talking to everyone at the table at once and bouncing back and forth between conversations. 

Kevin, well Neil _assumed_ he was Kevin, was giving Neil an assessing look. Andrew must have told him about Neil. There was no way that he hadn’t, especially with the way that Kevin was looking at him now, like he was trying to figure out Neil’s worth. 

If Neil was uncomfortable before then he was downright uneasy now. His stomach flopped painfully and he tried to avoid Kevin’s gaze from across the table. 

“I’m going to get drinks,” Jean said, standing up, “Orders?” 

Everyone spewed out their preferred drink and Jean looked at Neil and said, “I’ll just tell Andrew you’re here. He’ll make whatever it is he makes you.” 

Neil felt his face heat up and he let out a strangled breath because _fuck_ there it was. Jean just revealed all of Neil’s secrets in one fucking go. 

Matt let out a surprised noise and Jean left the table after dropping such a big bomb like it had never happened. 

“I’m sorry,” Allison said, leaning across the space between them, “Did he just insinuate that you’ve been here before?” 

“You know Andrew?” Matt asked, confused. 

Neil looked to Renee for some type of assistance. She just smiled knowingly and said, “They’ve met before.” 

Neil slumped in his chair and rubbed his face with his hands.

“I’m so fucking confused,” Matt said, “Is _Andrew_ the one you-” He stopped and then his mouth hung open in surprise, “Oh my god, Neil. _Andrew?_ ” 

“What does that mean?” Dan asked, “You and Andrew what?” 

“Is that so bad?” Kevin asked, clearly defensive, “Andrew isn’t a bad person.” 

“No of course not,” Matt said, “I just had no idea.” 

“What a small world,” Jeremy lamented dreamily. 

Neil just wanted the ground to open up and take him away.

He should have told them all sooner. But now they were looking at him like he had suddenly sprouted several heads. Was it so bad that it was _Andrew_? Neil didn’t know what the problem was. Then again he couldn’t really think straight with all of this coming out in one go. And all because Jean had to open his big mouth and-

“Hold on,” Allison said, “When you would stay out of the apartment you would come here?” 

Neil nodded because he couldn’t really form words without wanting to tell everyone to shut up and leave him the fuck alone. 

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Allison asked, “You’ve been acting so fucking cagey for weeks and it’s because you’ve been hanging out in a bar and talking to whoever the fuck Andrew is. I thought you were doing something illegal.” 

“What?” Neil choked out, surprised. Allison rolled her eyes at him. 

“I can’t believe you,” Allison said, “You disaster.” 

Neil stood up and slammed his hand on the table. Everyone but Dan and Kevin jumped at the action. Dan because she was used to his outbursts and Kevin probably because he’s been with Jeremy long enough to never be surprised by sudden loud noises. 

“I don’t need to explain myself,” Neil said, “I’m leaving.” 

“Wait!” Allison called after him, “Neil, come back!” 

Neil didn’t bother listening to her. He went straight for the front door of the bar and left, passing Jean as he went. 

He wasn’t breathing evenly. He stopped just outside the front door and slumped against the brick wall. 

It wasn’t that big of a deal. It wasn’t that big of a deal. 

But it _felt_ like a very big deal. 

Neil _liked_ Andrew. He really fucking liked Andrew and now that it was in the open he couldn’t help but worry that things would change. That his friends would get too involved. That they were going to tease and poke and prod and ask questions that Neil didn’t know the answers too. 

_Are you together? How did you meet? Why didn’t you tell us?_

Neil _wasn’t_ a disaster. He was messy and unconventional and had never been in the real world because his entire world stopped and started with his mother’s demands and running from his father. He didn’t need them to remind him how he didn’t know how to use the radiators or how he didn’t know how to date or flirt or that he knew next to nothing about sex and that the entire subject made him uncomfortable. 

Neil just wanted to exist. Andrew teased him but most of the time he just let him _exist_. He didn’t want them to ask him a million and one questions. He didn’t want them knowing to change anything. 

He still wanted to sneak down during Andrew’s breaks and share cigarettes and secrets. He still wanted to hold his hand and go on unconventional dates, but now that they knew it felt like he couldn’t. There would be questions and demands and expectations.

Neil was never good at meeting other people’s expectations. He was only good at figuring things out as he went. Trying to piece together what a normal life looked like now that he wasn’t a commodity or two steps away from being killed. 

Neil sank to the ground and tried to steady his breathing. He was spiralling faster than he had spiralled in a long time. And it all felt like it was his own fault. 

The side door opened and closed and suddenly there was a hand on the back of his neck and warmth radiating against his side. Neil didn’t have to look to know that it was Andrew. He could feel the tape on his fingers digging against his skin. It was comforting. A strange weight that could only belong to one person. 

“You’re alright,” Andrew said, he rubbed soothing lines against the back of Neil’s neck and then crouched down next to him. “Look at me.” 

Neil looked up and rubbed the itch from his skin. Andrew looked unmoved by whatever had happened inside. He didn’t even blink in the face of Neil’s panic. 

“What happened?” 

“I don’t know,” Neil said, “I don’t know. I didn’t know how to tell them about- about you and then Jean- and now they know and I don’t know what to say.” 

“Breathe,” Andrew said, “Slow down.” 

“I’m a disaster,” Neil said under his breath, “A mess of a person. They know it. And if you don’t know it you’ll figure it out eventually.” 

“I am well aware,” Andrew said, “Nobody's perfect, Neil. Stop freaking out. I didn’t know how to use a stove until Nicky taught me. You’re not a disaster just because there are some things you don’t understand.” 

“Allison is going to kill me,” Neil said.

Andrew let out a sigh, “Why?” 

“Because I didn’t tell her,” Neil said.

“You don’t have to tell her anything,” Andrew said.

“I didn’t want to ruin it,” Neil replied, “I didn’t want to ruin what we had.” 

Andrew’s breathing stalled for a second and then came back just as quickly. He squeezed the back of Neil’s neck and then released him, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and lighting one for both of them. 

“Who's to say anything is going to change?” Andrew asked as soon as he had two cigarettes lit, he placed one in Neil’s shaking hand and then stuck the other between his lips, taking a long drag. 

“Won’t it?” Neil asked, “All of our friends _know_ each other. I’ve never done this before. How am I supposed to know what’s going to happen next? What if everyone knowing ruins it? You know?” 

“I really don’t,” Andrew replied, “You’re not thinking straight. _This_ is an anxiety attack. You shouldn’t make any decisions right now.” 

“What should I do then?” Neil asked, he flicked his cigarette and then took a short drag just to keep it lit.

“You should go upstairs,” Andrew said, “And go to bed.” 

“Okay,” Neil replied, “Okay. Yeah.” 

“Yeah?” Andrew asked. 

“Yeah.” 

“Good,” Andrew stood up and tucked his hand under Neil’s arm to hoist him off the ground. “You go upstairs and calm the fuck down. I have to go back to work.”

Neil nodded numbly and started walking to his apartment building door. Andrew stayed close, keeping a hand on Neil’s arm like he was worried that Neil was going to fall over. Neil wasn’t going to fall over, he was steady on his feet as he pulled out his key and unlocked the door.

“Did Jean tell you?” Neil asked, last second looking back at Andrew.

“No,” Andrew said, “Kevin did.” 

“I don’t think Kevin likes me much,” Neil confessed, “He was glaring at me.” 

“Kevin just looks like that,” Andrew said, “He’s suspicious. You would get along well.” 

Neil laughed, but it was breathy and choked. Andrew squeezed his arm and then let him go. 

“Go,” Andrew said, “I don’t want to hear from you until you’ve calmed down.” 

“You’re an asshole,” Neil replied under his breath, but there was no real heat in his words.

Andrew shrugged. “This is what you signed up for. Goodbye.” 

He pushed Neil inside and then closed the door behind him. Neil gave a small baby wave and then went up the stairs to his apartment. He fell face first into the bed and just laid there unmoving. He didn’t even move when the door to the apartment opened an hour later, signalling that Allison had come home. 

There was a quiet knock at his bedroom door and then Allison’s voice saying, “Hey.” 

Neil rolled over in time to see her walk into the apartment, her shoes already off and her sweater discarded somewhere in the living room.

“Do you want to talk?” Allison asked. Neil shook his head and Allison let out a quiet sigh. She stepped into the room and closed the door behind her. 

Neil turned away just as the bed shifted and suddenly there was a warm arm slung over his side and tugging him into an awkward hug.

“You know,” Allison said, “I had no idea you were into Renee’s best friend. Sort of full circle, huh?” 

Neil let out a huff of a laugh and shook his head. 

“Also,” She said under her breath, “You’re not a disaster. Just a bit of a mess. So am I. I didn’t even know I had to turn the radiators on until you told me.” 

“Andrew taught me,” Neil said under his breath. Allison laughed and her breath shifted the hair behind his ears. 

“Seems like he’s good for something then,” Allison replied. She nestled against Neil’s back and held him until his heart stopped pounding and his breathing was coming out even. 

“I’m sorry,” Allison said, “I shouldn’t have bombarded you with questions. Matt feels awful.” 

“Good,” Neil replied, “Can I have your apology on video so I can use it as black mail?” 

“Fuck off,” Allison said and she reached up to pinch his cheek before dropping her arm back again. 

“I’m serious,” Neil said, “You’ve never said sorry before.” 

“Don’t get used to it,” She replied.

Neil nuzzled into his bed and tugged the blanket back and let Allison cover herself up. 

“I would never judge you,” Allison said, “Just bully you gently.” 

“That’s fine,” Neil said, “I was afraid that it would change things.” 

“Did it?” 

Neil sucked in a breath and swallowed against the panic that was sitting in his chest.

_“Who's to say anything is going to change?”_

“I hope not,” Neil replied. And he hoped and hoped and hoped until he fell asleep.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end! I hate to admit that somehow this turned into romcom vibes?? but I love drama so why not have a cute big confession moment (sort of) you'll see what I mean. Enjoy!

On New Year’s Eve Neil woke up to Allison still asleep in his bed. He kicked her in the shin and watched as she woke up and glared at him, flipping him off and stealing his blankets off of him. 

“Rude,” Neil said, “You’re a terrible bedmate.” 

“I know a few guys who would disagree with that,” Allison said with a hint of teasing in her voice. Neil reached out and pushed her until she rolled straight off the bed. 

“Now who’s rude?” She asked, sticking her head up from the floor, “Thank god you just sleep on a mattress. You could have broken my arm if this was a real bed.” 

“Bye,” Neil said with a wave, “You look like a zombie with your make up all over.” 

“Oh fuck,” Allison said. She uncurled herself from the bedding and threw it back onto Neil’s bed, standing up and walking out of the room. 

“I forgot to wash my face!” She yelled through the apartment and then there was banging from their neighbors and Allison yelled, “Fuck _you_! Happy New Year, Assholes!” 

Neil just pulled the covers over his head and went back to sleep. 

***

When he woke up again it was to Allison tugging the blankets off of him and demanding he get dressed because Renee was coming over. Neil groaned and swore at her but got up all the same, putting on the soft sweater Allison had given him for Christmas and a pair of sweatpants that Matt had given him. 

The living room was warm and smelled like coffee and pastries. Renee was standing in the kitchen with an apron on that was covered in cats and she was cooking with kitchen supplies that they definitely did not own. 

“Hey,” Neil said, his voice gravely from sleep. Renee looked over and gave him a bright smile, far too bright for so early in the morning. 

“How are you, Neil?” Renee asked. She put down her spatula and pulled out a mug of coffee and handed it off to him. It was warm to the touch and Neil took in a deep breath and let the heat soak into his skin.

“I’m fine,” Neil said. 

“Liar!” Allison called from across the room. She walked out of her bedroom in her pajamas, hair pulled up and tied away with a scrunchie. She looked soft around the edges and Neil couldn’t remember the last time she looked so settled. 

“You’re not fine,” Allison said, coming up to his side and ruffling his hair, “But you will be.” 

Neil sighed. “Yeah, I will be.”

“I’m making breakfast,” Renee said, “Sit. It’s almost done.” 

Neil sat down at the table and Allison went over to press a kiss to Renee’s cheek. Neil smiled softly at them and then looked down at his phone and all of the missed messages and calls from last night. 

Dan had texted him several times apologizing and asking if he was okay and Matt sent even more that were pretty similar. Neil typed out a halfhearted reply to their group chat saying that he was fine and that they shouldn’t feel bad for what happened. 

He didn’t bother waiting for a reply. He opened the one message from Andrew and stared at it for several minutes. All it said was _text me when you’re good. We should talk._

Neil chewed on his lower lip and feared the worst. He must have fucked it up by getting so irrationally upset yesterday. He didn’t mean for Andrew to see him in full panic, that was usually reserved for no one but himself. He didn’t like people to see him so vulnerable. But sometimes it happened unexpectedly and Neil couldn’t control it like he couldn’t control Jean opening his mouth and accidentally spilling Neil’s secret.

Renee handed over a plate full of food and then another for herself and Allison.

“Hope you don’t mind fake meat,” Renee said. 

Neil shrugged. “I’m sure it’s fine.” 

“You know,” Allison said, “I promised Renee I wouldn’t ask what happened. But can you tell me all about this Andrew guy and everything that you’ve hidden from me for weeks.” 

Neil groaned and sent her a glare from across the table. Allison raised her hands in defense. 

“I’m just curious is all,” She said, “You have a _boyfriend_ and I didn’t even _know_ about it.” 

“We’re not dating,” Neil said, “I don’t- I don’t know. I don’t think we are.” 

“Do you go on dates?” Allison asked. 

Neil shrugged, which was as good as a yes. 

“Then you’re dating,” Allison said, “When did this start? How did you meet? How long has this been going on?” 

“Allison,” Renee said gently but it was as firm of a warning as anything else she could have said. 

“Right,” Allison said, “Too many questions.” 

“I would hide out in the bar when you had people over,” Neil confessed, not caring if Renee knew or didn’t know about Allison’s casual hook ups, “He’s a bartender.” 

“Right,” Allison said, unphased at having her past brought up so casually, Neil wished he could be more like that, “So you met him down there and what? Started talking to him?” 

“Basically,” Neil said, “I’ve never-” he stopped and then said, “I’ve never been into people like that before. But- Andrew made it easy.” 

Allison let out a quiet _aw_ which had Renee nudging her in the arm with her elbow.

“That’s so fucking cute,” Allison said, “So what is this like, your first crush?” 

Neil shrugged and once again it could be interpreted as a yes.

“Oh my god,” Allison said, “I can’t believe you kept it a secret.” 

“It doesn’t matter,” Neil said, “I ruined it. I freaked out when everyone found out and now Andrew is never going to want to talk to me again.” 

Renee shook her head and her hair moved gently over her shoulders. “That’s not true.” 

Neil was suddenly aware that Andrew’s best friend was sitting right across from him right now. He wondered if she would go back and tell Andrew what Neil said, but a part of him was sure that she wouldn't. Renee wasn’t that type of person, at least she didn’t seem to be that type of person. 

“What do you mean?” Allison asked for Neil, looking more curious than anything as she watched Renee. 

“I’ve known Andrew for a long time,” Renee said, “He never does anything half-assed. When he’s all in, he’s all in. It’s as simple as that.” 

“He wants to talk to me about something,” Neil said quietly, “I don’t want to know what it is.” 

“You should talk to him when you’re ready,” Renee said, “For now you can try some of the danish I brought over.” 

“You brought danish?” Allison asked, surprised and excited, “I can’t believe it. Have I ever told you how wonderful you are?” 

Renee smiled and Allison leaned over to kiss her on the cheek. Neil looked away and pushed his food around with a fork. 

They could say it would be fine but there was really no way of knowing. For now all he could do was try not to think too much about it. 

“Oh and by the way,” Allison said, “Tonight we are going to Renee’s house for a New Year’s Eve party. No excuses.” 

Neil groaned. “I don’t want to go anywhere.” 

“You’re going,” Allison said, pointing her finger at him, “That’s final.” 

Neil didn’t have it in him to argue. Allison would drag him out of the apartment kicking and screaming if she had to. There was no way he was going to get out of this. 

He spent the rest of the morning in his room and then showered and changed into the clothing that Allison laid out for him. Both Allison and Renee were ready to go by mid afternoon and Neil resigned himself to being forced to help set up for the party because Allison didn’t trust him to show up later. 

They left the apartment and Neil tried not to look towards the bar like he wanted. For now he was going to distract himself with Allison’s chaos and Renee’s kindness. He could deal with Andrew at a later date. 

***

Turned out that Renee had a lot of friends and most of them were people that Neil had met before. 

He was standing in the corner of Renee’s apartment, hiding out from the rest of the party goers and watching them mix and mingle. Matt and Dan had immediately cornered him when they got there and Neil had to go through the motions of awkward hugs and accepting their apologies for being pushy. He knew they meant well, but he still broke away from them the first chance he had, which was when Renee came over to say hello. 

Now he was hiding. In plain sight, but still hiding. 

Jean, Jeremy, and Kevin were here, but there was no sign of Andrew. He was probably working, which made the feeling of unease settle a bit in Neil’s stomach. There was no way he would accidentally run into him here, Neil wanted to avoid that awkward conversation for as long as he could. 

There were a lot of people milling about and it was already 11:30 pm. Neil had helped Renee set up the decorations, which were bright and silver and covering almost every surface of the apartment. Now that they were getting closer and closer to the countdown Neil could see how drunk some people were getting. He let out a quiet sigh and leaned back, looking down at his soda and swirling it in his hand so he could watch the bubbles bounce around. 

Someone saddled up beside him and Neil looked up in time to see Kevin appear out of nowhere. Kevin was very similar to Andrew in that he always had a sharp look on his face and a contemplative stare in his eyes, but he was much, much taller. Kevin seemed to hover over Neil at around the same height as Matt. But where Matt was soft, Kevin was hard and intimidating. 

“What?” Neil asked, biting back his tongue and trying to reel in his attitude, he didn’t want to make Kevin’s opinion of him any worse than it probably was. 

“You know,” Kevin said, “When Andrew said he was sort of seeing someone I sort of thought it would pass. Jean and Jeremy made bets and everything.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” Neil asked. Ignoring the fact that Andrew told Kevin that he was _seeing someone_ which did something unkind to Neil’s heart. 

“Because you’re here,” Kevin said, “And you should _probably_ be talking to Andrew.” 

“Don’t tell me what I should or shouldn’t do,” Neil said, “You don’t know me.” 

Kevin looked amused at the attitude and Neil could only glare a bit harder at him. 

“Yeah this makes sense,” Kevin said. He crossed his arms and then leaned against the wall. He didn’t look a bit drunk, but then again Kevin had ordered a water at the bar when they were together yesterday. Maybe he was like Neil and didn’t drink. 

“You should talk to him,” Kevin said, “He’s a fucking mess but he likes you… god knows why.” 

“You’re fucking rude,” Neil said, “You’re just as much of an asshole as Andrew is.” 

“Yeah,” Kevin said, “That’s why we’re friends.” 

“I’m not going to talk to him,” Neil said, looking away, “I don’t even know where he is.” 

“Working,” Kevin said, “I don’t like to stick my nose in other people’s business but Andrew did it for me when I was freaking out about Jean and Jeremy. So do me a favor and go to the bar and talk to him.” 

Neil let out a deep sigh. He didn’t want to confront this. But he missed Andrew. A lot. He missed him and it was so fucking dumb because Neil didn’t miss anyone. He didn’t _need_ anyone. But here he was, thinking that he would break into pieces if Andrew told him to never contact him again. 

He could go to the bar and take whatever Andrew was going to say to him. Maybe he would cut it off with Neil, but it was probably better to know now than to wait until much later. 

Neil handed Kevin his cup of soda and checked the time on his phone. 

11:45 pm. He could probably get to the bar in less than 20 minutes if he was lucky. 

“Okay,” Neil said, “I’m leaving.” 

Kevin looked smug and proud of himself. At some point Neil was going to wipe that look off his face one way or another. 

“Thanks,” Neil said quickly, “You’re still a dick.” 

Kevin shrugged, “I’m sure I’ll see you around.” 

Neil didn’t want to leave it on that hopeful not. Because hope was addictive and dangerous and he didn’t want to hope for anything good to happen when he saw Andrew. Just in case. 

“Let’s hope not,” Neil replied. But it tasted like a lie and Kevin’s smile told him that he thought it was a lie too.

Neil was sure that he couldn’t escape without alerting Allison. So he slipped through the group of people in the living room and found her in the kitchen talking to Renee and Jeremy. 

“Hey,” He said, tugging on the sleeve of Allison’s shirt to get her attention, not caring that he was interrupting their conversation, “I’m leaving.” 

“What?” Allison said, “What about the countdown?” 

“I’m going to find Andrew,” Neil said firmly, without any room for question.

Allison’s face lit up like a Christmas tree and Neil wanted to roll his eyes at the hopeful look on her face. 

“Okay,” she said, “Oh my god okay. This is like a big moment for you isn’t it? Should I say good luck? Do you want a hug? Oh my god this is like a hallmark movie.” 

“No,” Neil said, “Everything you just said was awful.” 

Allison laughed and pulled him into a hug that would have crushed his lungs if she squeezed a bit tighter. Neil pushed her away and stepped back, taking in a deep breath. Renee was watching them with a knowing smile on her face and Jeremy just looked confused, which wasn’t surprising.

“Thank you for inviting me,” Neil said to Renee, “I’ll see you around.”

“I’m sure you will,” Renee said with a smile.

“I’ll see you at work!” Jeremy said happily, “I hope you have a good night. Happy New Year.” 

“Happy New Year,” Neil replied, with a bit of his own smile. 

He left the apartment and grabbed his jacket off of the coat hanger by the front door. Once he was outside he started jogging to get to the subway. He knew that it would be an absolute mess if he got there right at midnight, there was no way he could have a quiet conversation with Andrew if there was a countdown happening around them. 

Neil bounced his leg the entire subway ride and tried to settle the anxious energy that was coursing through him. 

There was no way to know what Andrew wanted to tell him. Be it good or bad. So he just had to wait. And waiting was tortuous in it’s own way. 

He got off at his usual stop and had to push through the crowds to get out of the station and onto the street. There weren’t that many people out but he could hear parties coming from all of the restaurants and bars that he passed. There was cheering and yelling and Neil had to guess that he _just_ missed the stroke of midnight. 

It didn’t matter to him. Time didn’t matter anymore. There was no deadline, no need to track the dates or celebrate the passage of time. It was one day at a time for him. That’s all he needed. 

When the bar came into view he started shaking all over again. He steeled his nerves and shook out his arms so that he wouldn’t shake when he walked inside. 

The bouncer gave him a short nod and let him past the growing line of people. Someday Neil would have to ask Andrew if he told the bouncer to just let Neil in as soon as he came into view. 

The thought disappeared as soon as he was inside the bar. There was a giant countdown clock hanging from the ceiling that had all zeros (so he definitely missed the countdown) and there were enough people inside that they might have been breaking a few fire hazard laws. Neil pushed through the crowd of drunk strangers until he made it to the bar, which was just as packed with bodies. Neil let out an annoyed groan and slipped through the edge of the crowd where the entrance to the bar was.

He could see Andrew standing and talking to a customer. He didn’t look happy at all, a small scowl was on his face and his expression was hard. Neil let out a small sigh and reached out to tap the shoulder of the closest bartender. 

The guy turned and leaned in Neil’s direction, asking, “What do you need?” 

“Can you get Andrew?” Neil asked, trying not to sound stressed. 

The guy raised an eyebrow and then shrugged, turning away and getting Andrew’s attention with the snap of his fingers. 

As soon as Andrew’s eyes were on him Neil felt like he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t know what sort of expression was on his face, but Andrew moved without a second of hesitation. He said something to the other bartender as he passed and then let himself out of the counter and to Neil’s side. 

He didn’t stop moving. He took Neil by the hand and dragged him through the back door and into the employee only area. 

Neil didn’t know what to say or how to say anything at all, so he let Andrew guide him through the small storage room, through the breakroom, and out the side door. Andrew hadn’t even grabbed his coat and Neil opened his mouth to tell him to go back, but the words were lost when Andrew turned and looked at him. 

He didn’t know what he was so afraid of. This was _Andrew_. The same person that mixed his drinks without alcohol and teased him for wearing bright orange sweaters and sweatpants. The same Andrew that took him out on a date where they did nothing but talk and ate bodega food in the middle of the November cold. 

Neil _liked_ him. He actually _liked_ Andrew and he wanted to tell him. He wanted Andrew to know. 

Before Andrew could say anything Neil opened his mouth and in a strange voice that sounded slightly panicked and rushed he said, “I like you.” 

Andrew just stared at him. He opened his mouth but Neil shook his head and said, “I don’t know what to say other than that. I’m kind of an idiot. I have never done this before. I’ve never liked someone before and I definitely don’t know if this is the right thing to do but-” 

He stopped and then grabbed both of Andrew’s hands. He had silver tape over his fingers and Neil was taken with how much he liked Andrew’s hands. His stupid tape and his stupid rings and his stupid hands. 

“I want-” Neil started but then stopped before restarting again, “I want- something. I don’t know what that means, but that’s what I want. You. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. I want to be with you if you- I don’t know, want to be with me?” 

Andrew looked so exasperated that for half a second Neil wanted to laugh at himself. He hadn’t even given Andrew a chance to say anything and he realized now that it was probably dumb for Neil to be so dramatic about this. It was easy. He liked Andrew. If Andrew liked him back, then well, that was that. 

Maybe. 

Andrew let out a deep sigh and pulled his hands out of Neil’s but they didn’t go very far. He reached out and took Neil’s face between his hands and tugged him a bit closer. 

“Was it not clear?” Andrew asked. 

“What?” 

“I don’t know what I’m doing either, Neil,” Andrew said, “So I guess we’re both really shit at this.” 

Andrew ran his thumbs over Neil’s cheeks and Neil felt his heart rate spike in his chest and Andrew said, “Can I kiss you?”

“Yes- yeah,” Neil said, fumbled out with what little control he had left, “Yes.” 

Andrew pulled him forward and kissed him and Neil was right, this was definitely what it felt like to be ruined. 

He kissed Andrew back and he wasn’t exactly sure what he was doing but Andrew was slow and tentative and warm and Neil wanted to _try_ harder than he had ever tried before. So he kissed Andrew and hoped that it conveyed how he felt. Because it was less about kissing and more about _Andrew_ and how Andrew made him feel and how Andrew seemed to settle something in Neil’s chest that Neil had never thought could be settled. 

They kissed until Neil had to pull back so he could breath and even then they didn’t pull very far apart. Neil bumped his nose against Andrew’s and Andrew let out a quiet snort and then mimicked the gesture and bumped his nose against Neil’s. 

Andrew removed one of his hands from Neil’s face so he could take Neil’s hand into his own, tracing imaginary lines against Neil’s skin and around his scars. 

Neil felt his heart swell and then settle and he let himself have this. There was nothing else that mattered right now, nothing but Andrew’s warm breath and warm skin and warm lips. 

“I have to go back to work,” Andrew said, “It’s busy tonight.” 

“Should I stay?” Neil asked. 

Andrew leaned back a bit and ran his thumb over Neil’s lips. 

“You should always stay.” 

Neil smiled and leaned forward to steal one more kiss off of Andrew’s lips.

“Just so you know,” Andrew said, “I meant it when I said this wasn’t casual.” 

“I know,” Neil replied, “I just need things spelled out for me.” 

Andrew kissed him again instead of answering. 

They went back inside the bar and Neil sat in his usual spot and watched as Andrew mixed drinks and mingled with customers. He gave Neil a shirley temple with extra cherries before disappearing again. Neil wanted to grab Andrew by the arm and drag him up to his apartment and hold him hostage there, but he knew that the time would come. 

At three am they made the final call and Andrew said his goodbyes before grabbing his coat and walking around the bar to meet Neil. They went up to the apartment and Neil let them in without a single word between them. 

They didn’t make it very far. In fact, they discarded their jackets right by the couch and then fell straight into the cushions. Neil felt like he couldn’t get enough. He wanted to kiss Andrew until his eyes felt droopy and his body turned off. 

So they did. They kissed until Neil was tired and felt his eyes starting to fall closed. He was finally able to press his lips against Andrew's dimple and when Andrew pushed his face away Neil laughed and he tucked himself against Andrew’s side.

The next morning Allison would probably end up coming home to find them passed out on the couch, but a part of Neil didn’t really care. He was happy and that was more than he could have ever asked for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to say that I am planning on making an Andrew POV oneshot now that this is over. So keep your eyes out for that!
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone that has stuck around and read this fic!! It was a lot of fun! I know it was a little ooc (or alot) but it was a lot of fun to play around with these characters and create a whole new little world for them. Thank you for all of the comments and nice messages!! I really appreciate every single one of you!

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading :3 
> 
> You can find me on [Tumblr](http://stjosten.tumblr.com) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/stjosten).


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